What Do You Want To Hear On Your Deathbed?

A family in Oregon recently comforted their dying relative by lying to him that Trump had been impeached.


So if this is how we’re going to treat our soon to be departed, what words of comfort do you want to hear in your final moments?

77 Comments on What Do You Want To Hear On Your Deathbed?

  1. The chartered cruise ship, Pork Unlimited, carrying all of California’s legislators on a five day junket, foundered and sank. There were no survivors, although it was reported that some passengers said they were still alive, but everyone knows how California politicians all lie.

  2. “Guess what? We just discovered a cure! The only problem is that it takes at least a week before any improvement could be seen. Sorry for your case.”

  3. I just want to go. If you play disco or rap, that’s the closest to hell I will get, and it’ll scare me right into the arms of Jesus.

  4. I read the autobiogrophy of the editor of a few very famous writers from the late 1800’s to early 1900’s. Can’t remember his name right now, but one of his clients was F. Scott Fitzgerald … on his death bed, he looked up in the corner of the hospital room and asked his daughter – who is that? – and then he was gone.

  5. I want someone to say they hear sweet, ethereal music. I want to hear the voice of a priest giving me the last rights and Eucharist for the journey.

  6. Politicizing eternally significant moments is really dumb. These are usually ‘Come to Jesus moments’. On your death bed, politics should be your last concern. Your eternal state should be your only concern.

  7. Gladys,

    My dad is a retired RN. Many years ago he worked in a nursing home. There was an old man who was pretty much senile (so take this for whatever it’s worth) but as he lay dying, the man was screaming about the giant black bird perched on the foot of his bed, just staring at him.

  8. I want to hear Let All Mortal Flesh Be Silent played expertly on a double bass and baritone saxophone, with all the melodic, harmonic, and rhythmic call and responses that you could expect while making the leap from time and space into eternity. Wife and kids all present saying tell Jesus we love him and we will rejoin you in Heaven in a moments time. Be safe and pray for us from your new estate.

  9. Rain…the creek from my childhood backyard… windchimes…birdsong…. children laughing.

    Followed by the voices of countless people that I’ve cared for in hospice welcoming me to the biggest party ever. I finally get to meet them joyous and relieved of suffering.

  10. HooHooNayNay….you work in hospice?…you already have your wings and you will fly free like an eagle, but hopefully more like a Bumble Bee cuz that would be more fun….

  11. I would like to hear, from a higher power (ET is OK):

    “We have studied your planet and we think that Islam is a cancer upon your planet. We have eliminated all adherants of that religion”.

  12. “His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.”

    Something I’d like to say: “I told you I was sick!”

  13. “I’m glad that asshole’s …”

    OH WAIT! Not what I WILL hear, but what I WANT to hear …

    “In nomine Patris et Fillii et Spiritus Sancti …”

    izlamo delenda est …

  14. Here is what I would want to hear,

    “Richard, there has been a huge natural disaster! Mecca, Medina, Tehran, Abu Dhabi, Mosul, Baghdad, Riyadh, Bahrain have all been destroyed by a meteor impact. The resulting tsunami destroyed Somalia and most of Indonesia. Nearly a billion musloids have been killed and all their holy places destroyed.”

  15. Before my dear Father passed away he told me I was the joy in his life. I asked him if he told my sister the same thing and he couldn’t stop laughing.

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