America’s Disappearing Penis

How the obesity epidemic is ruining America’s sex life

“For every 50 pounds overweight you are, you lose an inch of penis,” Dr. Edward Karpman, a California urologist, says in the book.

“A man’s penis is actually fixed to his abdominal wall, holding it in place,” writes Varney, based on Karpman’s explanation. “The more a man’s fattening belly grows outward, ‘the more it eats their penis,’ leaving them with, according to the doctor, ‘this little nubbin of a penis.’”

Extremely obese men face an extreme version of that, called “buried penis syndrome.”

As Varney explains, “abdominal fat and skin drape out and over a man’s pubic area, causing a host of problems.”

There are plenty of reasons for America to lose weight. “XL Love,” with its portrait of sexual dysfunction and loss of intimacy, shows us one of the saddest.

!snip!

My advice is to cut back on the ding dongs.

Wait, what?

15 Comments on America’s Disappearing Penis

  1. On the other hand it is a well known fact that every comma in your bank account adds an inch to your dick!




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  2. I thought the choice to lay off Ding Dongs was already made for us.

    Ding Dongs were baked by Drake’s, a concern in Irvington, New Jersey that folded in 2012.

    I still miss their Devil Dogs.




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  3. I always wondered why all the gorgeous women I picked up in bars for one night stands would squeal “Oh you’re so big” in rapturous delight when I back-doored them.

    It was all related to my 3% body fat




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  4. uhh, think ya got a typo here

    “Now is as good a time as any to post the most disturbing 10 seconds of footage I’ve ever created.”




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  5. For all the money spent on ads (tv, radio, print) to address the obesity problem that are pretty well worthless a campaign based on this could very well work at a fraction of the cost. A guy faced with weight caused heart issues, diabetes, joint problems etc would more then likely take his chances rather than give up that Big-Gulp and slice of Deluxe Pizza but threaten the little guy with getting littler it’s out with the burgers and fries and on to the treadmill he’ll go.




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  6. American penises may be getting smaller, but America has one big d!ck—currently occupying the Oval Office.




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  7. I can sort of reverse-verify this theory. Three or four years ago, I had gotten up to like 245lbs, and while I didn’t realize Peppy had “shrunk”, it was obvious from my personal vantage point that he wasn’t as prominently displayed as he had been. But it was the increasing difficulty my wrists and elbows were having in preventing Mrs R from being crushed to death once a month (if I was lucky, and I managed to not do anything stupid) that prompted me to give up double quarterpounders with cheese, and later the 2 tenderloin and cheese biscuits that were a part of my daily routine… and without really even trying or putting too much thought into it, I dropped 100lbs in about 6 months!!!
    Well I just figured that removing that giant sloshing baby elephant made it possible to see it all without the use of a mirror,but yeah, now that you mention it… perhaps he did hit a midlife growth spurt!!!

    I should probably stop typing now before this gets any closer to reading like something out of the old Penthouse Forums… You know, what FedGov employees did before the internet!




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