FORT RUCKER, Ala. — The U.S. Army will honor Elizabeth Warren and her Native American ancestry with the latest addition to its helicopter fleet, the AH-68 Warren, sources confirmed today.
The Warren will join the Black Hawk, Kiowa, Apache, and Lakota in the Army’s impressive legacy of combat aircraft named after Native American tribes.
The Warren conquered its two chief competitors, the AH-67 Redskin and V-23 Columbus, to win the Army contract.
“The Redskin just offended too many white people, and frankly, I’m not even sure Redskin is a real tribe,” said Army Acquisition Corps Spokesman Maj. Darren Snyder. “And the Columbus, well that death trap killed people every time it landed.”
Snyder dismissed concerns regarding Warren’s Native American ancestry.
“Do you really think Harvard hired her just to brag about having a Native American law professor?” he asked.
Unlike Warren’s heritage, there are no questions about the AH-68 Warren’s cost efficiency. The Warren will utilize a collectivized fuel economy, despite the system’s legacy of abject failure. Department of National Acquisitions reports show the entire Warren project totaled only 1/1024th of the cost of the Air Force’s F-35 Lightning program.