Babylon Bee: Founding Fathers Strapped Down To Prevent Further Spinning

Babylon Bee

In an attempt to tackle the unprecedented and growing phenomenon of historical figures spinning rapidly in their graves, federal officials have begun strapping down the Founding Fathers at several historical sites. 

“It started slowly, back around 2016,” explained National Park Director Larry Rozinsky. “We noticed George Washington’s corpse had done a full 360. It was a bit odd but nothing unlike what we’d seen a few times back in the sixties.” More

9 Comments on Babylon Bee: Founding Fathers Strapped Down To Prevent Further Spinning

  1. Technically I shot him in “the upper thigh”. Old timey talk for shot “IN THE BALLS.”

    But how he lived so long after killing all those Americans in the Whiskey Rebellion is beyond me.

    Sorta’ regret sending him a bottle of wine after the duel. But, as noted elsewhere….I’m not a complete monster.

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  2. “How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a
    Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten
    Spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor
    Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?”
    ~ Aaron Burr

    … from that stupid musical …. thought you had better taste, dude

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  3. The only musical I’ve written is “BURR!!!!….on ice.”

    It’s a Broadway spectacular with flamethrowers, french whores, a special guest appearance by Andy Jackson and of course, the 1976 starting lineup of the Philadelphia Flyers.

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  4. People have seen Tonya on ice.

    Now, Andy Jackson in a power play against the 76 Flyers? Damn. I’d pay to see that and I’m the producer of this show.

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