A man was attacked by a shark today. The shark took out his whole left side.
Couldn’t believe it when he told me he was all right.
8
So, this seal walks into a club…
6
What do you call a cow that fell into a hole? A holey cow. I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants.
3
Lorenzo, an 80-year-old Italian man, goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks: “how do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I Italiano. I drink-a vino an-a play-a golf” says Lorenzo, “an-a thas-a why I’m in such-a good-a shape. Im-a up well before daylight an-a out golfing up and down-a the fairways.
I hav-a glass or two-a vino, and all is-a well.”
“Well” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it than that. How old was your Father when he died?
“Hey now! Who-a said he was dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?”
Lorenzo: “Hes-a 100 year old. In-a fact he-a golf-ed with me this-a morning, we had-a some vino and went to the topless beach for-a walk. That-a why he still alive.
“Well” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’
“Hey now! Who-a said my Nonno’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean to tell me you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He-a 118 year old” says Lorenzo.
The doctor is very puzzled at this point and asks “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, no. Nonno canna go this-a morning because he-a getting a married today.”
At this point the doctor is thinking this is beyond belief!
“Getting married you say? Lorenzo…you’ve gotta be kiddin me”
“Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?”
Lorenzo: “Hey now! Who-a said he wanted to?” 😳
4
The Strange Case of Jurgen “Red” Herring and the German Soldiers.
Jurgen “Red” Herring is a Danish man, born in 1925 in Jutland, and well known in his neighborhood as an avowed lifelong Communist and an old crank. In early 2025, he was arrested by German Border Police for illegally crossing into German territory where he verbally assaulted German drivers and pedestrians lined up to enter Denmark.
Mr. Herring was also arrested for disturbing the peace by screaming that all Germans were Nazis and taunted them to invade Denmark. Spittle flying, he informed anyone in hearing distance that he alone would repulse the German divisions at the border. He screamed “You raped Denmark once, but never again” and further insulted local Germans by insisting that Carlsberg beer was 100 times better than German beer.
The German police walked Mr. Herring back without further incident to the borderline, where the Danish Border Police took him into custody. The Danish police said that Mr. Herring was nothing but a well-known old crank, and the police on both sides had a big laugh over it.
The next night, a company of the German 9th “Gross Berliner” Regiment crossed over into Denmark at 1 am and advanced 20 kilometers into Danish territory, stopping at a Carlsberg brewery, where they tied up a watchman, stole 30 barrels of beer and loaded them into their trucks before crossing back over to German Territory.
The Danish Foreign Minister complained bitterly to his German counterpart about the unlawful incursion of German troops into Danish Territory, so reminiscent of what happened in 1940. The German Foreign Minister apologized profusely about the lack of discipline of the German soldiers and promised to pay for the theft and also promised the Danish minister that it will never again happen.
1
Harry Houdini had an old friend visit him at his home in 1924.
The visitor noticed two parrots making loud screeches, and said he never had seen the parrots at prior visits. Houdini told his visitor that his wife, a big bird fancier, bought the parrots a couple of months before at a pet store. Houdini complained that the birds screeched loudly all day and night, and told his visitor he could not get more than two hours of sleep a night.
A couple of months later, Houdini’s friend came by for another visit, and noticed right away that the parrots were gone. He asked Houdini what happened to them.
Houdini replied that he taught the parrots how to escape.
A man was attacked by a shark today. The shark took out his whole left side.
Couldn’t believe it when he told me he was all right.
So, this seal walks into a club…
What do you call a cow that fell into a hole? A holey cow. I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants.
Lorenzo, an 80-year-old Italian man, goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks: “how do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I Italiano. I drink-a vino an-a play-a golf” says Lorenzo, “an-a thas-a why I’m in such-a good-a shape. Im-a up well before daylight an-a out golfing up and down-a the fairways.
I hav-a glass or two-a vino, and all is-a well.”
“Well” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it than that. How old was your Father when he died?
“Hey now! Who-a said he was dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?”
Lorenzo: “Hes-a 100 year old. In-a fact he-a golf-ed with me this-a morning, we had-a some vino and went to the topless beach for-a walk. That-a why he still alive.
“Well” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’
“Hey now! Who-a said my Nonno’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean to tell me you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He-a 118 year old” says Lorenzo.
The doctor is very puzzled at this point and asks “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, no. Nonno canna go this-a morning because he-a getting a married today.”
At this point the doctor is thinking this is beyond belief!
“Getting married you say? Lorenzo…you’ve gotta be kiddin me”
“Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?”
Lorenzo: “Hey now! Who-a said he wanted to?” 😳
The Strange Case of Jurgen “Red” Herring and the German Soldiers.
Jurgen “Red” Herring is a Danish man, born in 1925 in Jutland, and well known in his neighborhood as an avowed lifelong Communist and an old crank. In early 2025, he was arrested by German Border Police for illegally crossing into German territory where he verbally assaulted German drivers and pedestrians lined up to enter Denmark.
Mr. Herring was also arrested for disturbing the peace by screaming that all Germans were Nazis and taunted them to invade Denmark. Spittle flying, he informed anyone in hearing distance that he alone would repulse the German divisions at the border. He screamed “You raped Denmark once, but never again” and further insulted local Germans by insisting that Carlsberg beer was 100 times better than German beer.
The German police walked Mr. Herring back without further incident to the borderline, where the Danish Border Police took him into custody. The Danish police said that Mr. Herring was nothing but a well-known old crank, and the police on both sides had a big laugh over it.
The next night, a company of the German 9th “Gross Berliner” Regiment crossed over into Denmark at 1 am and advanced 20 kilometers into Danish territory, stopping at a Carlsberg brewery, where they tied up a watchman, stole 30 barrels of beer and loaded them into their trucks before crossing back over to German Territory.
The Danish Foreign Minister complained bitterly to his German counterpart about the unlawful incursion of German troops into Danish Territory, so reminiscent of what happened in 1940. The German Foreign Minister apologized profusely about the lack of discipline of the German soldiers and promised to pay for the theft and also promised the Danish minister that it will never again happen.
Harry Houdini had an old friend visit him at his home in 1924.
The visitor noticed two parrots making loud screeches, and said he never had seen the parrots at prior visits. Houdini told his visitor that his wife, a big bird fancier, bought the parrots a couple of months before at a pet store. Houdini complained that the birds screeched loudly all day and night, and told his visitor he could not get more than two hours of sleep a night.
A couple of months later, Houdini’s friend came by for another visit, and noticed right away that the parrots were gone. He asked Houdini what happened to them.
Houdini replied that he taught the parrots how to escape.