MY WIFE CALLED ME, AND SAID IF I’M NOT HOME IN 10 MIN, SHE WOULD FEED MY DINNER TO THE DOG
I WAS HOME IN 5, BECAUSE I LOVE OUR DOG AND NEVER WANT ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO HIM
14
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop.
18
A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas. At first it was thought to be a freak accident, but Police are now treating it as hummuside.
10
guy walks into a bar and takes a little man out if his pocket and sets him on the bar.
The little man starts walking down the bar and came upon a guy eating peanuts. The little man kicked all the peanuts on the floor.
He walked a little further and found a guy eating chips, the little man stepped on all the chips.
Finally the bar tender asks the guy about the little man. The guy says he found a lantern and wished for a 12 inch prick and there he is.
11
Here’s a real knee slapper: Jeff Bezos is marrying a woman wearing a white wedding gown who is on her FIFTH marriage!
11
Zonga Tria!!!
1
Re-cycling: this one:
What are the 3 main vegetables to grow in a vegetable garden:
Lettuce turnup and pee.
4
Last week, I reported on the NBA from the year 2075.
Today, I report on the NHL from the future – 2075.
The league has expanded to 50 teams. There are now teams in India and Brazil. Imagine that.
Two of the new teams are the New Orleans Catfish and the Kansas City Ice Gophers. The oldest guy to ever play in the NHL is now 71. He plays for the Catfish. His name is Gordie Howl. His son, Bobby Howl, 41, plays for the Ice Gophers and his son, Gordie’s grandson, Brett, 21, also plays for the Ice Gophers.
In a recent game played in New Orleans, old man Gordie was checked hard into the boards and hi-sticked in the face by his son Bobby. Both of them dropped the gloves and began punching each other. Then Brett Howl came to the assistance of his father and began punching Gordie, his own grandfather.
The referees were stunned and didn’t know exactly what to do. Eventually, after consulting each other, they determined it was a “family type of domestic affair” and let the three combatants go ahead and pummel each other. After a while the fans began throwing things on the ice. One lady pulled off her bra, threw it, and it landed on one of the referee’s heads. The fans were laughing and screaming.
In attendance was the NHL commissioner, Mark Goldfinch, and he ordered the referees to stop the fight, which they did after ten minutes of brawling. Gordie ended up with two black eyes and 15 stitches to close a wound on his right cheek. Bobby ended up with a broken wrist and a concussion, while Brett emerged, surprisingly, with a broken knee. Nobody knows how that happened.
And that’s the NHL in the year 2075, folks.
2
^^Anon – Here’s a real knee slapper: Jeff Bezos is marrying a woman wearing a white wedding gown who is on her FIFTH marriage!
Well alll I can say is here is the joke for THAT one!
Old Jews Telling Jokes:
a teenage punk was arguing with an older fellow in Walmart. The older fellow asked him his name. The older fellow then said to him ” I thought so. I knew your mother a long time ago and could have been your dad. But the line was too long”
5
In the past, the city of Beijing has been called Peiping.
Back in the 1920’s the city had a prowler, an Englishman named Tom, who liked to look in people’s bedrooms at night.
They called him Peiping Tom.
3
A hunter is walking a path and comes upon a fork in the trail. There is a helpful sign that reads: bear left.
So he went home.
I TELL YA, I GET NO RESPECT
MY WIFE CALLED ME, AND SAID IF I’M NOT HOME IN 10 MIN, SHE WOULD FEED MY DINNER TO THE DOG
I WAS HOME IN 5, BECAUSE I LOVE OUR DOG AND NEVER WANT ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO HIM
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop.
A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas. At first it was thought to be a freak accident, but Police are now treating it as hummuside.
guy walks into a bar and takes a little man out if his pocket and sets him on the bar.
The little man starts walking down the bar and came upon a guy eating peanuts. The little man kicked all the peanuts on the floor.
He walked a little further and found a guy eating chips, the little man stepped on all the chips.
Finally the bar tender asks the guy about the little man. The guy says he found a lantern and wished for a 12 inch prick and there he is.
Here’s a real knee slapper: Jeff Bezos is marrying a woman wearing a white wedding gown who is on her FIFTH marriage!
Zonga Tria!!!
Re-cycling: this one:
What are the 3 main vegetables to grow in a vegetable garden:
Lettuce turnup and pee.
Last week, I reported on the NBA from the year 2075.
Today, I report on the NHL from the future – 2075.
The league has expanded to 50 teams. There are now teams in India and Brazil. Imagine that.
Two of the new teams are the New Orleans Catfish and the Kansas City Ice Gophers. The oldest guy to ever play in the NHL is now 71. He plays for the Catfish. His name is Gordie Howl. His son, Bobby Howl, 41, plays for the Ice Gophers and his son, Gordie’s grandson, Brett, 21, also plays for the Ice Gophers.
In a recent game played in New Orleans, old man Gordie was checked hard into the boards and hi-sticked in the face by his son Bobby. Both of them dropped the gloves and began punching each other. Then Brett Howl came to the assistance of his father and began punching Gordie, his own grandfather.
The referees were stunned and didn’t know exactly what to do. Eventually, after consulting each other, they determined it was a “family type of domestic affair” and let the three combatants go ahead and pummel each other. After a while the fans began throwing things on the ice. One lady pulled off her bra, threw it, and it landed on one of the referee’s heads. The fans were laughing and screaming.
In attendance was the NHL commissioner, Mark Goldfinch, and he ordered the referees to stop the fight, which they did after ten minutes of brawling. Gordie ended up with two black eyes and 15 stitches to close a wound on his right cheek. Bobby ended up with a broken wrist and a concussion, while Brett emerged, surprisingly, with a broken knee. Nobody knows how that happened.
And that’s the NHL in the year 2075, folks.
^^Anon – Here’s a real knee slapper: Jeff Bezos is marrying a woman wearing a white wedding gown who is on her FIFTH marriage!
Well alll I can say is here is the joke for THAT one!
Old Jews Telling Jokes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5QV93ta7hY
a teenage punk was arguing with an older fellow in Walmart. The older fellow asked him his name. The older fellow then said to him ” I thought so. I knew your mother a long time ago and could have been your dad. But the line was too long”
In the past, the city of Beijing has been called Peiping.
Back in the 1920’s the city had a prowler, an Englishman named Tom, who liked to look in people’s bedrooms at night.
They called him Peiping Tom.
A hunter is walking a path and comes upon a fork in the trail. There is a helpful sign that reads: bear left.
So he went home.