Q. Where did the expression “Pain in the ass” come from?
A. The homosexual “community”.
1
Major League Baseball Report from the future – 2075.
Hey baseball fans. Here is the state of MLB from the future – the year 2075.
Attendance at MLB games began seriously dwindling in the decade of the 2040’s. The team owners and the Commissioner Edward J. Fatborg decided the game needed more, actually, a lot more offense. So one thing they decided to do in 2048 was to sync up the pitched baseball with the swing of the bat. IOW, devices in each ball and each bat allowed the bat to find the ball and hit it, as long as the ball was in the strike zone. Outside the strike zone, the two would not meet by these devices, as was planned to still enable walks. With the new “juiced” ball, the batter never had to guess where the ball was. Hitting the ball was automatic. All the batter had to do was exert enough power to get the ball out of the infield, or over the outfield wall. Scores went way up. Batters had it easy. Pitchers did not. Even good pitchers had ERA’s typically above 9.00 or 10.00 on the season, and there were very few strikeouts. Batting averages went up to .800 and .900. The home run king in 2058, Josh Newman, hit 189 homers for the season.
So the pitchers got angry and demanded a change. After a few years of complaints, MLB decided to make thrown balls too fast for most batters to even wave a bat at them. Baseballs went nuclear by having devices in them that allowed a pitched ball to travel at up to 350 mph. They went by batters like a rifle bullet. It was all accomplished by a tiny nuclear reactor inserted into every baseball. The best pitchers again were able to get 20 to 25 wins a season and ERA’s went back down to what they were in the early part of the 21st century.
The final result – unfortunately, attendance did not go up nearly as much as intended. Old-timers and traditionalists did not like the changes.
2
Poindexter Poon, President of Singapore, was concerned about the amount of carbon dioxide released every day by the mere fact of people exhaling. He enacted two laws to combat the poisoning of the air:
1. Government funded assisted suicide to decrease the population. President Poon said: If you’re having a bad day, if you feel sad, if someone wasn’t nice to you, the Singaporean government is here to help you end your suffering, and help reduce carbon emissions at the same time. You’ll die a hero.
2. To all others still alive, you must wear a special mask night and day. The mask is connected to a flexible tube which goes to a backpack on your back. Inside is a special air filtering device. It will release the filtered air back out to the environment. Anyone caught not using the mask-filtering device will be jailed, convicted, fined 20,000 Singapore dollars, and sentenced to a minimum of three years in prison.
3. Exhaling Carbon Dioxide is worse than spitting or throwing gum on the sidewalk and there will be serious consequences to the criminals who don’t follow government orders in this regard.
2
@Drill Sarge
Answer: To get to other saw.
Timbuktu: ICU
@Major
Intensive Care Unit?
Timbuktu
Not you
The Reaper
1
I’m always getting run over by the same bike. Same bike, same place, month after month. It’s a vicious cycle!
2
A friendly 4th of July reminder that absolutely no one is going to watch the video of fireworks that you record on your phone!
1
Someone told me that they don’t have the Fourth of July in other countries. Seems kind of stupid to skip from the third to the fifth, but whatever!
2
A dog walks into an employment agency and, in perfect, English says, “I need a job.” Stunned, the receptionist replies, “You’re a talking dog! This is incredible! With a talent like that, you could easily land a job with the circus! The dog tilts his head confused. “The circus?” he asks. “Why would they need an architect?”
5
Q. Why did the pig cross the road?
A. To get to the other sow.
3
I once dated a twin and people were always asking me how I could tell them apart. I would say “Well,Hannah has purple nail polish and Henry has a cock”….
2
How do you spot a thirty-something at the gymnasium? They’re
the one collecting money at the ticket office.
1
Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it faster.
1
I like how he teases her about her hair. I have the same problem. 😂
Why did the WoodCock cross the road?
Q. Where did the expression “Pain in the ass” come from?
A. The homosexual “community”.
Major League Baseball Report from the future – 2075.
Hey baseball fans. Here is the state of MLB from the future – the year 2075.
Attendance at MLB games began seriously dwindling in the decade of the 2040’s. The team owners and the Commissioner Edward J. Fatborg decided the game needed more, actually, a lot more offense. So one thing they decided to do in 2048 was to sync up the pitched baseball with the swing of the bat. IOW, devices in each ball and each bat allowed the bat to find the ball and hit it, as long as the ball was in the strike zone. Outside the strike zone, the two would not meet by these devices, as was planned to still enable walks. With the new “juiced” ball, the batter never had to guess where the ball was. Hitting the ball was automatic. All the batter had to do was exert enough power to get the ball out of the infield, or over the outfield wall. Scores went way up. Batters had it easy. Pitchers did not. Even good pitchers had ERA’s typically above 9.00 or 10.00 on the season, and there were very few strikeouts. Batting averages went up to .800 and .900. The home run king in 2058, Josh Newman, hit 189 homers for the season.
So the pitchers got angry and demanded a change. After a few years of complaints, MLB decided to make thrown balls too fast for most batters to even wave a bat at them. Baseballs went nuclear by having devices in them that allowed a pitched ball to travel at up to 350 mph. They went by batters like a rifle bullet. It was all accomplished by a tiny nuclear reactor inserted into every baseball. The best pitchers again were able to get 20 to 25 wins a season and ERA’s went back down to what they were in the early part of the 21st century.
The final result – unfortunately, attendance did not go up nearly as much as intended. Old-timers and traditionalists did not like the changes.
Poindexter Poon, President of Singapore, was concerned about the amount of carbon dioxide released every day by the mere fact of people exhaling. He enacted two laws to combat the poisoning of the air:
1. Government funded assisted suicide to decrease the population. President Poon said: If you’re having a bad day, if you feel sad, if someone wasn’t nice to you, the Singaporean government is here to help you end your suffering, and help reduce carbon emissions at the same time. You’ll die a hero.
2. To all others still alive, you must wear a special mask night and day. The mask is connected to a flexible tube which goes to a backpack on your back. Inside is a special air filtering device. It will release the filtered air back out to the environment. Anyone caught not using the mask-filtering device will be jailed, convicted, fined 20,000 Singapore dollars, and sentenced to a minimum of three years in prison.
3. Exhaling Carbon Dioxide is worse than spitting or throwing gum on the sidewalk and there will be serious consequences to the criminals who don’t follow government orders in this regard.
@Drill Sarge
Answer: To get to other saw.
Timbuktu: ICU
@Major
Intensive Care Unit?
Timbuktu
Not you
The Reaper
I’m always getting run over by the same bike. Same bike, same place, month after month. It’s a vicious cycle!
A friendly 4th of July reminder that absolutely no one is going to watch the video of fireworks that you record on your phone!
Someone told me that they don’t have the Fourth of July in other countries. Seems kind of stupid to skip from the third to the fifth, but whatever!
A dog walks into an employment agency and, in perfect, English says, “I need a job.” Stunned, the receptionist replies, “You’re a talking dog! This is incredible! With a talent like that, you could easily land a job with the circus! The dog tilts his head confused. “The circus?” he asks. “Why would they need an architect?”
Q. Why did the pig cross the road?
A. To get to the other sow.
I once dated a twin and people were always asking me how I could tell them apart. I would say “Well,Hannah has purple nail polish and Henry has a cock”….
How do you spot a thirty-something at the gymnasium? They’re
the one collecting money at the ticket office.
Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it faster.
I like how he teases her about her hair. I have the same problem. 😂