Dear Whole Foods- We’re through. It’s not me. It’s you. – IOTW Report

Dear Whole Foods- We’re through. It’s not me. It’s you.

American Digest:

You know how it is, Whole. You know. And I know you know. We just can’t pretend it is what it was any longer.

Bad things have been happening between us whenever I’ve tried to get into your sack for quite some time. It’s time to face the fact that we just don’t have that old natural spark between us any longer. We’ve faded from organic to conventional. It’s time to move on to fresh fruits and vegetables new — elsewhere. Ditto your firm, moist, and alluring meats of many flavors. None of what you’re doing to me is doing it for me anymore.

I ignored a lot of your irritating habits, Whole — like keeping that entire wing of the dairy case jammed with your revoltingly raw vegan pastes and six flavors of tofu, that sloppy second of soy. I rationalized you were just trying to keep your green ass from getting so fat you couldn’t get into that tacky green apron you insist on wearing all the time, because “they go with my Earth shoes”.

I put up with your petulant insistence on “helping me” find things I wasn’t looking for whenever I paused in an aisle to ask myself “Johnson Grass and Brayla Suet Sausage? What the hell is that and what life form eats it?”

I put up with your plucking money from my wallet while I slept, so you could blow it on wind power and floats in the Green Pride Parades. I figured that every Whole needs a hobby. more


27 Comments on Dear Whole Foods- We’re through. It’s not me. It’s you.

  1. How to shut up a liberal. Always fun to remind holier-than-thou libtards that 1/3 of the earth did not eat yesterday. So far, nothing today. Tomorrow doesn’t look real promising either. Libs always remind us they care and we don’t. Yet libs will spend $40 on a pound of cheese for themselves? And who donates most to charities? Conservatives.

    33
  2. I hate that store. Most insufferable people walking around in there – the jogger chick with her sippie bottled water, the vegan 20-something with her pasty skin and matted hair, the vegan dread lock white hippie dude, the yoga woman that always seems to have a bit of a gut and gym bro wearing his wife beater and shorty shorts.

    17
  3. Don’t have a Whole Foods in town here, can’t say I really know much about what the author decries here, but their Chantilly cake is amazing.

    Best cake you’ll ever have.

  4. On the phone and my girl friend who lives 40 miles one way from me, tells me she’s bored, I tell to go down to the near by, 1/2 mile, store not to shop but to watch all the weirdos wandering the isles. Some times it’s better entertainment than you can find surfing on cable lame TV.

    12
  5. No. Store in town here sells ice cream regular price for $5.99 for, get this, 1.5 quarts. 1.5! What the hell happened to half gallon ice cream? $5.99, for what they call four servings, you know Breyers, Deans, the regular stuff. Even the delectable Häagen-Dazs I’d buy once a year is only 14 oz! For the same price, $5.99. What in the hell?

    So I only buy it when it’s rarely on sale, for $4.99. And I still wince.

    I’d fall over and flop around on the floor like a crappie out of water if I went into Whole Foods. No. Just No.

    13
  6. “I went into a Whole Foods once. The place was full of Communists, fags and Democrats.”

    …and RINOs, no doubt. I ho there occasionally with my wife if she’s returning an Amazon purchase. It looks like the kind of place that Uniparty members run into each other when they’re not on the job or at a cocktail party.

    4
  7. Whole Foods is for people who consider themselves too good to shop at Walmart. Walmart customers (Wal-Martians) is another topic.

    4
  8. Hey aleon Gerard is a very good friend of mine and I can ensure you Gerard is not a dumb ass. He has been blogging at American Digest over 20 years, he was the first editor at PJM when they started, he is one of the finest writers on the web.
    Do a little research on him he has been in the writing business for a long time, from the Stones concert at Altamont where the Hells Angels stabbed to death a concert attendee, he was right there, to the first report of John Lennon”s death who he had worked with the day before on a story. He is a great man and is one of us, a true American Patriot.

    6
  9. Hi all, this Outdoorjohn guy is selling a multi-level marketing scam! Don’t go to that site he is listing.

    2
  10. Whitey Bulger August 6, 2022 at 4:56 pm

    Hi all, this Outdoorjohn guy is selling a multi-level marketing scam! Don’t go to that site he is listing.
    ———————-

    You are the first person’s remarks I have ever read here where someone actually clicked on one of those scammer links and warned others not to do so! Thanks for the heads up!

    4
  11. After years of lawsuits from “neighborhood groups” (really the Wegmans downs the street), a new Whole Foods is going up a few miles from me. I’ve never been in one before.

    1
  12. Hahaha. Grand Rapids area is absolutely giddy that one of these money traps is opening on the 17th.
    Now I feel compelled to wander the aisles just to see if the workers live up to the description in this article.
    Maybe I can make it a bingo game or a scavenger hunt..see how many I can locate.

  13. Whole Foods was committing suicide when they were bought out by Amazon… Bezos used a shotgun to hasten the job.

    RIP what used to be Fresh Fields many years ago. 🙁

    4
  14. Here’s a thoroughly disgusting thought for you. These aren’t the only two, but San Franshithole has a WFM on Market St. near the Civic Center with all the grime, crime, and slime, and another about a mile and a half away on 4th St. in SOMA/South Beach.

    Just imagine the “people” watching at either one.

  15. The Whole Foods in Golden Co was excellent. Pricey but the best veggies and fish. At the time when I would buy W/M produce especially berries, it would wilt or mold in a day or two. No grass finished beef and I don’t eat feedlot. I could buy items I like without preservatives. Lots of top notch food.

    Wonderful olives, cheeses and breads. No nitrate sausage and bacon. I even got some blue fin tuna a couple times, delicious. You would never find that at King Soopers.

    You got problems with Bezos or with REgresives, fine, I liked their offerings. Now that was 8 years ago last I lived in CO so there’s that.

    2
  16. There are upscale snacks you can buy at Whole Foods and nowhere else, all to do more or less, with sex. Because, y’know, liberals and sex of all types and shades:

    Cheese Dicks (mostly cheese with added flavorings)
    Tater Twats
    Butter Butts
    Lickerass Licorice
    Fried Pube Hair ($25 per ounce – like picking Saffron threads, it’s labor intensive)
    Nutty Nipples
    Faggoty Delight Eclairs (Chocolate Covered Creams)

  17. Only went to a Whole Foods once. There is no way in hell they sell all that “fresh made” shit by closing time. I would love to know how much stuff they throw out every day.

    1
  18. There’s nothing at Whole Foods I can’t get anywhere else. Except robbed. Whole Foods will rob you very well, really well. They will rob you without even being asked and in every department too. Robbing is what they do best. Shop at Whole Paycheck get robbed today.

    2
  19. Not sure about Whole Foods but give me a Total Wine any day… my head spins and my liver tells me to shut up, I’m fine….

Comments are closed.