Disney Buys Rights To The Bible, Plans 37 Sequels

Don’t faint! It’s the Babylon Bee – Disney is buying the intellectual property rights to the Bible for $7.02 billion from its Author. In a statement announcing the purchase, Disney said it planned to release a major Bible sequel in 2020 The Christ Awakens, kicking off a big-budget trilogy.

That exciting new franchise launch will be followed by around 36 more planned sequels, reboots, remakes, and spin-offs, the company said. While some of the stories will follow the overarching plot of God establishing his Kingdom, other stories will be offshoots of characters and worlds within the biblical narrative such as Shamgar: A Judges Story, Rise of Habakkuk, Song of Solomon 2: Gaza Heat, and Dirty Job, a gritty follow up to the book of Job starring Mike Rowe.

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EDIT: Babylon Bee is a PARODY site.

23 Comments on Disney Buys Rights To The Bible, Plans 37 Sequels

  1. Sorry. I’ve lost my sense of humor about the left and it’s redefinition of morality. It’s a joke today. Tomorrow is up for grabs.

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  2. Not too far off from the Exodus movie with Christian Bale where giant crocodiles attacking caused the Nile to turn blood red and God was represented by a 12 year old child instead of burning bush. Likewise, Russell Crowe Noah movie which had large rock creatures, etc.

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  3. Also, remember History Channel Bible miniseries where Sampson was a black dude with dreadlocks.

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  4. kicking off a big-budget trilogy.

    Will this be, “Mother, daughter and Holy Cow”?

    Will it be pre screened at ToonTown?

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  5. I’m sure they would have Mayor Pete provide technical expertise on Sodom and Gomorrah and how God wasn’t angry with them and their sins.

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  6. So George Snuffleufagay and Johnny Greenbooger are gonna play the queers who got Sodom the axe?

    And G-d will be played by Snoop Dog — no — Poopie Goldberg…

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  7. I’ll be looking forward to the episode where a sexually dysphoric trans person declares they were ‘born in the wrong body,’ and they go to heaven to see what is going on, only to discover goofy and the 3 Stooges running the baby assembly line. And then the follow up episode where, right after a partial birth abortion, several Angels come down and tell everyone: “that one was in the right body!’ and then they destroy the place.

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  8. The cartoon adaptations will be great. Jesus blessing the loaves and fishes, featuring Nemo and the little Mermaid. Jesus tempted by Satan (played by Alladin’s Genie). The 12 apostles, pared down to 7 and played by the dwarfs. The possibilities are endless.

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  9. The series finale will feature God getting SO PISSED OFF that he blows up Disney headquarters. Now, I’d watch that.

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  10. I’m sorry, I don’t suffer bullshit well. I can’t tell if this is intended as humor or not – just don’t have the patience to read on to see if we’re on for another anti Christian outrage, or if this is in fun.

    If this is for real, some advice for Disney.
    God will not be mocked.

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  11. I wonder if the budgets will shrink with each successive movie like the jaws franchise and in Revelations we get folks being thrown into the pond of fire

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