Okay, so where was I before I left to buy a skyscraper?
Oh yeah, I was telling it like it is. I was giving you the straight dope that causes everyone to lose their minds. Meanwhile we have people in the middle east actually losing their minds, literally. It can’t be any fun to have your melon roll around in the dirt and you look up and see some guy wearing your shirt and you realize it’s you without a head. And we’re all worried about my tone. It’s crazy, it’s nuts.
Now, did you hear John Kasich jumped into the ring? Question. Who is he? I’m being serious. I don’t know who he is. Was he on M*A*S*H*?
What’s that? Governor of Ohio? Now, there’s a big deal. Mayor McCheese has more to do. What’s in Ohio? Cleveland. They say Detroit is the armpit of America, but as we all know, everyone has two armpits. Am I right, Cleveland?
Rosa De Lauro – I know, I know. Low hanging fruit. Low hanging butt-ugly fruit. I understand De Lauro spends most of her salary on a fancy wardrobe. That’s like putting a tiny easter hat on your carbuncle. It’s amazing. Would you bother putting a car cover on your Yugo? These are the people making decisions for your life. Your life. It’s like trusting Michael J. Fox to cut the green wire. You just shouldn’t do it.
Al Gore, he’s been laying low, but I hear he may run. What a compelling speaker. When he rolls out that Powerpoint I’m actually rooting for Earth’s destruction. Anything to end the misery of listening to the gay robot. I hear his voice and I immediately build a fire in my fireplace, out of spite. All 14 of them at the same time.
Valerie Jarrett? The Iranian Dr. Ruth. What a nasty troll. Somebody didn’t read the note and fed her after midnight. Jarrett and Obama are inseparable. Their periods are synchronized. If you hate Obama you have to hate Jarrett. They’re a package deal, like Siegfied and Roy. Nobody’s ever said,”I like Siegfried, but not so much Roy.” Never happened. You either accept the premise of gay Germans and a white tiger, or it turns you off. Personally, I like Wayne Newton, but not so much lately because he screwed up his face. He looks like a Chinese Mickey Roarke. It’s disturbing.