Jokes About The Scots

h/t Jacqueline.

*Some randy language.

36 Comments on Jokes About The Scots

  1. why do Scots wear kilts? … because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

    disclaimer: I’m part Scot on my fraternal grandmother’s side … so I know of what I speak 😉

  2. Q.: What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheepherder?

    A.: The Scottish sheepherder yells, “Hey MacLeod, get off of my ewe!”

  3. If you’rre a wee bit more Irish than Scot, you doon’t complain quite as much as those bloody Scots with their balls hangin’ out!


    Dammit, Jim

  4. My paternal grandparents are proud Scots. I mean, Really Proud. Some of my fondest memories as a girl are of summer travel in the Scottish countryside to visit them. You don’t know what fun is until you witnesses a drunk on the Edinburgh to Glasgow train screaming “a hate fuckin’ hedgehogs…come at me ya jabby wee cunt” while angrily circling a hairbrush that’s been dropped on the floor.

  5. My grandparents on my father’s side were of The Clan Wallace of the Lowlands Scottish Clan from the Renfrewshire District.

  6. A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi walked into a bar….Who bought the drinks and the pretzels?….The Methodist did because they had his credit card number….

  7. LOL our poor mother had to endure childlike ribbing of all things Scottish (especially speech) from her American children 🤣 Her favorite dismissive phrase: “Och awae w’ya!” right before she booted us out for the day 😂

    In college my roommate demanded I “interpret” the worst movie ever (Trainspotting) because it didn’t have subtitles and man, I got an idea what patience our mother had!

  8. Rabi, scotsman, and catholic priest are in a building that catches fire.

    The Rabi yells, “Save the women and Children!”
    The Scot yells, “Fuck the women and Children!”
    The priest asks, “Do you think we have enough time for that?”

  9. I love Scotland ( Mr. Illustr8r and I were married there- a “planned” elopement). His Grandpa was born in Scotland and moved here when he was six years old. Clan Henderson and McKinnon! 🙂

  10. An Englishman asked me if I knew why the 50P coin was shaped like it was. (It’s not round but has several flat sides) He said it was so you could get it out of a Scottish man’s hand with a spanner (wrench).

  11. It’s a hot summer day and an Irishman, a Scot and Englishman walk into a bar at the same time.

    They each order a drink and due to a special circumstance in the universe a fly lands into each one of their drinks. The Englishman claims I’ll have none of this please give me a another drink. The Irishman says oh we bit of protein and gulps it right down.

    The Scot studies and studies and stares at the fly – he even takes some notes on a napkin nearby.

    Finally he grabs the fly by its wings and shouts “all right you spit it out!”

  12. I grew up in a neighborhood with a lot of legal immigrants – Lithuanian, Polish, Italian, you name it. I learned to recognize the accents and could understand the ‘broken English’. I’m part Scottish and for the life of me, I can barely understand them. (Mom agrees.) Glad these comedians were able to speak to the rest of us. Very funny. Thanks, MJA.

  13. @Hambone 🤣 My mom had a very dear English friend who happened to be chatting me up as I washed dishes. We were low on “washing up liquid” (dish soap) so I didn’t squeeze out the sponge in case I needed the soap in there. She did a “pfft” and muttered, “Not Scots for naught.” My mother was nearby and laughed uproariously. I was a bit young so didn’t quite get it at that age. Ah, the memories!

  14. Clan Duncan on my father’s mother’s side.
    I still say “hause” instead of “house” from time to time.

  15. MerryMouse, I had that Bryan Bowers album back in the late 70’s or early 80’s. He also had another song about Mt. Rainier as seen from Seattle on a clear day that when the mountain lifted its skirt it would flat out melt your mind. I haven’t heard any of Bryan Bowers music in years, it brings back good memories.

  16. My mother, a McCormack straight out of Tip, used to have a kitten with a wire tail whenever I would joke about inviting someone to our home for an Irish seven course meal. She was rather sensitive to Irish jokes.

    For those who don’t know: an Irish seven course meal is a six pack of beer and a boiled potato

  17. As a kid i grew up with many bad jokes. Blond, blue eyed Scotch.

    My wife – who BTW is Clan MacCraken – still sometimes calls me CHEAP!
    So I was a dumb, skinflint kid!

    But I somehow managed to be an old man who’s son claim to be a great piper and plays at the pole tossing.

    The big guy he pointed out looked like a pole tosser!

    also BTW MacCrakens are tough; so I have not fought the wife in 53 years. Cheap I am.

  18. “…You’re gonna have you a knife in your sock…”

    Oh shit that was funny – had me in stitches – unfortunately it hurt the ones that I already had in me. 🤣

  19. @TRF

    Great song indeed. Recorded at Apple studios in London, I think. Australians, still revered in that country. One band member played the bass violin, not a common thing anymore for small groups.

  20. Paternal Grandmother, Susannah Mary Monteith Macmanway reportedly was born by accident in Northern Ireland while her Mother was visiting friends there. Family lore has it that she NEVER forgave her Mother for that. Too, she always pointed out that the spelling of Macmanway was Highland, not Lowland Scot. Sadly, not sure of the clan. My Mother, English descent, said Susie was a very kind and gracious Lady but was not a woman who bore trifling at all well. She died when I was pretty young.


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