Realistic Welcome Mats

Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like ”Please don’t stay long!” or ”I hope you brought booze.” Any more suggestions?

– Jack.

50 Comments on Realistic Welcome Mats

  1. @ Zonga Gave a “Go Away!” mat to a cantankerous BiL.

    He loved it. It was his mat until he died a few years later.

    One friend has: “Beware! Dog can’t hold his licker!”

  2. No words on the mat.

    Just have a fake lever on the wall with a sign under it: Pull for immediate response

    Attach a round piece of metal to the porch ceiling right above the mat.

    Then have red splatter radiating out from the mat with bloodless shoe prints in the middle.

    Add security cams for youtube hits.

  3. Correction:
    Press 2 for espanol.
    Then run like the wind.

    I’m in the market for gnarly doormats. Census Bureau has me in their crosshairs since I’m not complying with American Community Survey. They’ve already badgered me by mail and phone. They’ll be door knocking soon.

    They have no idea with whom they are fucking with.

  4. @PHenry – How about a mat that says

    IF YOU’RE FROM THE CENSUS
    MY ANSWER IS “TWO”

    That’s assuming there are two people in residence at your address. That is the only Constitutionally permissible question they can insist you answer.

    I’ve never had the displeasure of a Census visit, but my fantasy is to answer the door and respond to any and all questions or comments with TWO and never say anything else. Or maybe just hold up two fingers the way the Brits do.

  5. @uncle al. The ACS is especially intrusive. Questions about income, education level, size of land, size of house, hot&cold running water? Bathtub? Shower? Fridge? Stove?desktop and/or laptop? Smartphone?internet access It just goes on and on. No fucking way I’m cooperating on this.

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