Supreme Court Allows Victims Of Heart Disease, Obesity To Sue Utensil Manufacturer

BABYLON BEE:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Acme Forks & Knives was trying to block a lawsuit brought against them by the obese community. The lawsuit suggested that the company’s utensils were deadly tools that caused people to become overweight.

The Supreme Court has blocked the company’s attempt to block the lawsuit, paving the way for victims of heart disease and other diet-related ailments to sue Acme.

“Finally—the big forks and knives lobby will be held accountable for contributing to heart disease and obesity, the leading causes of death among American adults,” said a spokesperson for the oppressed obese community. “No human action leads to these deaths. It is entirely on the sentient utensils used to carry out the mass eating events.”

“Blood is on their hands!” protesters cried. “Fight the corporate fork and knife lobby!” read more

24 Comments on Supreme Court Allows Victims Of Heart Disease, Obesity To Sue Utensil Manufacturer

  1. Roaie O’Donnel went on the chop stick diet and can’t stop looking like a bleached Whoopi…Megan McCain was last seen holding an AR-15 to the head of a soup spoon….

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  2. How about a class action lawsuit against fat slobs for taking up too much room. Start with michelle obama, and work down to oprah, clinton, and just keep going.

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  3. I know when I see fat people boarding the plane with me, I’m triggered.
    “What if they’re in my row?! What if two of them are in my row!!!!?”

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  4. About as stupid as…electing barack obama as president of the United States.

    My God, what a disaster. Worse than any war.

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  5. Prior to dieting to lose weight, use portion control first. Very fat people eat a platter food of food for a single meal. I’m amazed how much food some people can eat.

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  6. Stomach is a bag of muscle which can stretch unnaturally due to gluttony. But with time and self-control, it will shrink back to normal and appetite shrinks with it.

    An elderly man in my church told me about this. He’s about six foot two, down from six foot four at his max. He weighs 190 but was once a bit over 300. The secret for him, he says, was portion control and never eating anything after 6 p.m. because, as he put it, you don’t want to take calories to bed. Haven’t asked him how long it took to get where he is now but it definitely worked. He’s in his mid-eighties. Newly installed hip joint but in reasonably good shape.

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  7. It’s actually no different from what they DID allow, which is to let shooting victims sue gun manufacturers. So yeah, this could be next.

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  8. I cut my lawn with a push mower and all that walking hurts my feet. So I’m going to sue Ariens implement and the shoe company.

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  9. Portion control is very important
    Shrink the stomach. Try eating vegetables nest. HEB S
    sales little vegatable trays. Great for snacking. Once you start in eating healthy foods. I’ve been near a fast food place in NEARLY A YEAR. The o The trick is keeping the weight loss off. I Lost 60 lbs. NOW LOVE vegetables. My husband loves fruit. sneak in Dairy and meat.

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