eMails My Mother Sends Me – IOTW Report

eMails My Mother Sends Me

Wednesday, 31 December 2014, 22:30 BFH Home 35

I have to get one more of these in for 2014. My mother hardly emails me anymore because I never respond. In fact, I didn’t respond to this one:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday in Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.   Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.   Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.  Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not regarded as a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and served as a positive roll model for millions.  Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.  He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 min.

35 Comments on eMails My Mother Sends Me

  8. Mahatma Ghandi suffered from osteoporosis and bad breath resulting from his fasting and bad diet. He also was very calloused having walked barefoot for Lon periods of time.
    You might go so far as to say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

  13. A salesman was so overwhelmed by his work that he couldn’t keep up with sales. He found out about a cloning facility and had himself cloned. He could suddenly get twice as much work done.
    However, after awhile the clone went bad and started cussing out customers.
    The salesman checked with the local police and was told they couldn’t arrest the clone because he was a clone and not a person so he wasn’t subject to the same laws.
    The salesman lured the clone up to the top of the building and threw him to his death.
    The investigating officers realized it was the clone so they couldn’t charge the salesman with murder.
    They charged him with . . .
    Making an obscene clone fall.

  14. A mother gave up her twin sons for adoption.
    One was raised by a Mexican family and was named Juan.
    The other was raised by an Arab family and was named Amahall.
    Many years later the one family sent her a picture of Juan. Oh, how she wished she could see her other son.
    Her husband said, “They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahall.”

  15. There were three Native American squaws who were all about to give birth. The witch doctor placed the first on an antelope hide and she had one son.
    He placed the second on a buffalo hide and she also gave birth to one son.
    The third, who was the chief’s daughter, was placed on a rare imported hippopotamus hide. She gave birth to twin sons.
    Thus, the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sum of the sons of the other two hides.

  17. A frog went into a bank to get a loan. He was referred to the loan officer, a Mr. Paddawack, who told the frog he would need some collateral. The frog inquired as to what that was. When he was advised that it was something of value placed to secure the value of the loan, the frog presented the loan officer a small shiny trinket. The loan officer had no idea what it was or its value so he checked with the bank president.
    The bank president said, “It’s a knicnack, Paddawack, give the frog a loan.”

  18. My Dear son.bfh.
    I hope you are well I hit the lottery and I am very well.
    I was going to enclose a$100 dollar bill but I already sealed the envelope. Maybe next time, Please write,
    Love Mom

    Happy New Year to all at IOTWReport.

  20. When I was a boy, my Dad busted into my room and yelled:
    “I told you if you don’t stop doing that, you’ll go BLIND!”
    I responded: “Dad, I’m over HERE!”

  26. And my 2nd entry

    Did you hear about the woman who got married 4 times?
    First to a millionaire , 2nd to an actor, 3rd time was to a reverend and 4th to a undertaker?
    One for the money , two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.

  28. Corny jokes are the best, just ask my kids. I tell way too many of them including the one that embarrasses my oldest daughter the most. What did the elephant say to the naked man? That’s cute but how do you breathe through it. HAPPY NEW YEAR! I want jokes told at my funeral just because..

  29. A British tourist visiting Arizona observed an old Indian greeting every pretty young lady who came his way by saying “Chance?”.

    After watching this strange behavior for some time, the tourist approached the elderly man and asked, “I say, I thought you chaps said ‘How?’ when meeting someone?” to which the old fellow winked and said, “Know how. Want chance.”

  30. A guy stopped short in the Village last week and I rear-ended him.

    He was a little fella, and he jumped out of his car and approached me shouting “I’m not Happy, I’m not Happy.”

    I said “Who are you then, Dopey”?

    Boy was he ever pissed off.. Some people have no sense of
    humor.

  31. As for responding to Mom – does she really expect a response from sending a joke only? If you ignore Moms invitation to something, that would be different.

    The friends and family that send me jokes don’t expect something back for every one. Just for personal, direct communications.

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