I’m told that my father was quite hilarious… I never saw it.. In fact I wanted to publish a book of my father’s jokes..
Why do they put a fence around the graveyard?
People are dying to get in..
And this classic..
What did one dead man say to the other dead man?
Is that you coffin?
Come to think of it dad’s humor was very dark and macabre…
That’s the collected jokes of my father….
9
My favorite dad joke which my oldest daughter hates, What did the elephant say to the naked man? That’s cute but how do you breathe thru it. My son on the other hand thought it was funny and he’s already telling his 2 yr. old daughter lame dad jokes. “What do you call a cow a cow with no legs? Ground beef”, “with 2 legs, lean beef”. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? because they taste funny. A religious cannibal joke, Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals? Because they keep throwing up their hands. And too many other dad jokes to mention but my kids loved them.
14
Man, that’s funnier than a Henway.
12
So how much does a hen weigh. I love the old dumb dad jokes.
5
What’s a henway? 😉
8
Yuck! That was funny? ….Lady in Red
well, every time I asked my dad to tell me a joke he just said the same thing, over & over … “You!”
… I don’t get it ….
11
I’m still missing my nose….
25
My Dad didn’t tell jokes. And instead of letting us change the channel he forced us to watch the 3 Stooges and Laurel & Hardy. That’s real parenthood.
15
@Groucho Marxist: About two and a half pounds.
(bada-bomp, bada-bing!)
12
My dad used to say, “Listen, stupid.”
He always called me Listen.
14
Ok, here goes my dad’s favorite joke.
A guy is at the proctologist for his first colonoscopy.
The Nurse is preparing him for the procedure.
The Nurse says, ok roll on to your side and hike your left leg up.
Now here is a little pill to make it easier. And the Doctor will be right in. And as the Nurses was walking out, the Nurse patted him on the rump and said “Don’t worry about an erection, it’s perfectly normal.
And the Patient said “Well, I don’t think that is going to happen”
And the Nurse said” I wasn’t talking about yours, I was talking about mine.
9
How do you get down off of an elephant? You don’t, you get down off of a duck.
10
My dad never told me jokes because he abandoned me when I was two.
31
Every time I ask my daddy to tell me a joke he always says the same thing …. “Yo’ Mamma”
I don’t get it
9
My dad had quite a few corny old jokes.
A carpet layer had just finished laying a new carpet and noticed a bulge in the middle of the room. He also noticed that his cigarette pack had fallen out of his shirt pocket. Rather than ripping up the carpet, he grabbed a chunk of 2×4 and a hammer and flattened it.
Then the lady of the house walked in and asked if he’d seen her recently escaped canary?
7
PHenry…. I *think* this is true….? Young Alfred Hitchcock needed money for a film and a Brit philanthropist was promising. Young Hitchcock took the London train to the very last stop, walked a couple of miles and showed up at the door.
The butler invited the young, but overweight, man in and showed him to the library. Exhausted, Hitchcock dropped down into a chair…. …when he heard a squeal.
He reached behind him, under him, and discovered a small dead dog.
Not knowing what to do, he put the dog in his pocket, went to the door, walked the many miles back to the train to London and never saw the possible benefactor again. ….Lady in Red
5
What do you call a man with no arms and legs?
Matt.
5
How about real dad stories?
The all time classic, Pull my finger.
10
My dad was a funny man. Not belly-laugh funny, he simply saw humor all around him, and would make the occasional wry comment. He was a good man, and a great father, and I miss him a lot. Walt E. 1918-2012 RIP
12
How about a husband joke?
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t show up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an assassin, a hit man,” was the reply.
“You’re joking!” was the response.
“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight “Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.”
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.”
“Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her….. He’s naked, too!!!”
He turned to the hit man, “How much do you charge for a hit?”
“I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.”
“Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.
“Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…”
8
I used to think that chiropractic stuff was all phony
I stand corrected
12
I don’t remember any dad jokes. He died when I was 10, but he must have been pretty funny because my mom could often be heard giggling when they were in another room together.
8
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter he won’t come anyway.
A husband and wife were lying in bed.
She turned to him and said, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?”
He replied. “No”
She said, “OK, never mind.”
4
All you guys are forgetting the “hehehe” after every joke.
Very important
4
From my father;
Many mosquitoes weigh a pound and sit on the tree and bark.
Did you hear about the queer bear that laid his paw on the table?
There were more but…..
2
First joke my Dad ever told me. I was ten years old.
“There was a lady who took her dog on a train. And her dog’s name was “Ballsitch.” Then the dog got loose. As she chased after him she kept yelling, (Snobby English accent) “Oh my Ballsitch! Oh my Ballsitch!” The conductor went up to her and said, (Uncle Remus voice) “Lady. When my balls itch I scratch ’em.”
4
An older couple recently learned to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife, a retired English instructor with emphasis on the classics, was an incurable romantic. Her husband, a salty retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, was a no-nonsense kind of guy. One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee.
While awaiting her friend’s arrival, the wife decided to exercise her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband responded, “I’m takin’ a shit. Please advise.”
_____________________________________________
(Yeah, I know – it’s not really a Dad joke, but I just had to tell it anyway.)
🙂
10
How do you know there’s an elephant under your bed?
– He has a big ‘E’ on his pajamas.
6
I was watching the races on TV last night and the last race was crazy.
They had a hammer race a dikfor.
Guess which won?
— What’s a dikfor?
You need to have that talk with your mother.
1
I was about 13 when my dad told me this one.
What’s the difference between a nun and a naked lady in the bathtub?
A nun has hope in her soul.
3
I just remembered one that my dad told. It’s a groaner.
Drunk goes into the night court. “Order, order in the court.” Drunk yells out, “Give me ham and eggs.” Somehow it reminds me more of an Abbott &Costello thing.
3
HEY ! MY JOKES ARE FUNNY.
2
My Dad was an oilman…Wildcatter dies and finds himself in a two mile line moving a few inches an hour so he walks ahead and arrives at the Pearly Gates and sees St. Peter…So Pete, what do I need to give you to shorten the wait he asks…Peter smiles and says that these people are blessed to one day be in Heaven and he will have to wait as the others. The Wildcatter tells St. Peter that if he can shorten the line to a few people can he go right in …of course says the Saint with a smile and roll of eyes…20 minutes later, the St. is astounded as thousands in the line start to walk away and standing in front of him is the Wildcatter….How did you do that, how? The wildcatter tells him that he started a rumor that there was a massive oil find in Hell and they are on their way to strike it rich as almost every well hits black gold…St. Peter thinks for a second and congratulates the Wildcatter, steps aside and says “you may enter”…but the Wildcatter hesitates. The Saint asks him what is wrong and the Wildcatter says “You know, I have been thinking and maybe that rumor is right”
3
What’s the difference between a Harvard woman’s track team and a band of African pygmies?
One’s band of cunning runts…..
Difference between Panama Canal and Hillary Clinton? The canal is a busy ditch ….
I’m laughing at all of these and want to send them to a dad, but this subject is really too close to home. We have endured hours of this stuff.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idear.
My dad was such a wild man that Mom started to call him “Hun”
@MJA
What do you call Matt after you’ve thrown him into the pool? Bob
1
Heard this from my Dad around the age of 13
Israeli soldier is patrolling a border, gets jumped by three Arabs who tell him, “OK Jew, we kill you right now or you can amuse us by taking a on a challenge.”
Israeli said “Bring it on”
OK Jew here it is. Down in the wadi there are three tents. In the first tent is a gallon bottle of wine. You drink the whole bottle in 5 minutes. Second tent is a adult male lion with an impacted tooth. You go into that tent and pull that tooth. In the third tent there is sheikh’s daughter who is a virgin and guards her virtue like a fanatic. Your task is to go in there and put in the seed for a new jihadi. Good luck, Jew. And the Arabs start laughing
So the Israeli goes into the first tent. Five minutes later he staggers out. Arabs grab him, spin him around and around till he’s reeling drunk and then throw him into the second tent. Immediately, there’s a tremendous roar and crashing inside the tent that lasts for several minutes, and then silence.
The Arabs are laughing their asses off when suddenly the Israeli staggers wild-eyed out of the tent. He’s trying to find the third tent when the lion walks out of the tent and licks him on the face
At which point the Israeli reels and says, “Ok, you got your new jihadi. Where’s the little lady with the impacted tooth
I’m told that my father was quite hilarious… I never saw it.. In fact I wanted to publish a book of my father’s jokes..
Why do they put a fence around the graveyard?
People are dying to get in..
And this classic..
What did one dead man say to the other dead man?
Is that you coffin?
Come to think of it dad’s humor was very dark and macabre…
That’s the collected jokes of my father….
My favorite dad joke which my oldest daughter hates, What did the elephant say to the naked man? That’s cute but how do you breathe thru it. My son on the other hand thought it was funny and he’s already telling his 2 yr. old daughter lame dad jokes. “What do you call a cow a cow with no legs? Ground beef”, “with 2 legs, lean beef”. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? because they taste funny. A religious cannibal joke, Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals? Because they keep throwing up their hands. And too many other dad jokes to mention but my kids loved them.
Man, that’s funnier than a Henway.
So how much does a hen weigh. I love the old dumb dad jokes.
What’s a henway? 😉
Yuck! That was funny? ….Lady in Red
well, every time I asked my dad to tell me a joke he just said the same thing, over & over … “You!”
… I don’t get it ….
I’m still missing my nose….
My Dad didn’t tell jokes. And instead of letting us change the channel he forced us to watch the 3 Stooges and Laurel & Hardy. That’s real parenthood.
@Groucho Marxist: About two and a half pounds.
(bada-bomp, bada-bing!)
My dad used to say, “Listen, stupid.”
He always called me Listen.
Ok, here goes my dad’s favorite joke.
A guy is at the proctologist for his first colonoscopy.
The Nurse is preparing him for the procedure.
The Nurse says, ok roll on to your side and hike your left leg up.
Now here is a little pill to make it easier. And the Doctor will be right in. And as the Nurses was walking out, the Nurse patted him on the rump and said “Don’t worry about an erection, it’s perfectly normal.
And the Patient said “Well, I don’t think that is going to happen”
And the Nurse said” I wasn’t talking about yours, I was talking about mine.
How do you get down off of an elephant? You don’t, you get down off of a duck.
My dad never told me jokes because he abandoned me when I was two.
Every time I ask my daddy to tell me a joke he always says the same thing …. “Yo’ Mamma”
I don’t get it
My dad had quite a few corny old jokes.
A carpet layer had just finished laying a new carpet and noticed a bulge in the middle of the room. He also noticed that his cigarette pack had fallen out of his shirt pocket. Rather than ripping up the carpet, he grabbed a chunk of 2×4 and a hammer and flattened it.
Then the lady of the house walked in and asked if he’d seen her recently escaped canary?
PHenry…. I *think* this is true….? Young Alfred Hitchcock needed money for a film and a Brit philanthropist was promising. Young Hitchcock took the London train to the very last stop, walked a couple of miles and showed up at the door.
The butler invited the young, but overweight, man in and showed him to the library. Exhausted, Hitchcock dropped down into a chair…. …when he heard a squeal.
He reached behind him, under him, and discovered a small dead dog.
Not knowing what to do, he put the dog in his pocket, went to the door, walked the many miles back to the train to London and never saw the possible benefactor again. ….Lady in Red
What do you call a man with no arms and legs?
Matt.
How about real dad stories?
The all time classic, Pull my finger.
My dad was a funny man. Not belly-laugh funny, he simply saw humor all around him, and would make the occasional wry comment. He was a good man, and a great father, and I miss him a lot. Walt E. 1918-2012 RIP
How about a husband joke?
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t show up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an assassin, a hit man,” was the reply.
“You’re joking!” was the response.
“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight “Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.”
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.”
“Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her….. He’s naked, too!!!”
He turned to the hit man, “How much do you charge for a hit?”
“I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.”
“Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.
“Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…”
I used to think that chiropractic stuff was all phony
I stand corrected
I don’t remember any dad jokes. He died when I was 10, but he must have been pretty funny because my mom could often be heard giggling when they were in another room together.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter he won’t come anyway.
A husband and wife were lying in bed.
She turned to him and said, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?”
He replied. “No”
She said, “OK, never mind.”
All you guys are forgetting the “hehehe” after every joke.
Very important
From my father;
Many mosquitoes weigh a pound and sit on the tree and bark.
Did you hear about the queer bear that laid his paw on the table?
There were more but…..
First joke my Dad ever told me. I was ten years old.
“There was a lady who took her dog on a train. And her dog’s name was “Ballsitch.” Then the dog got loose. As she chased after him she kept yelling, (Snobby English accent) “Oh my Ballsitch! Oh my Ballsitch!” The conductor went up to her and said, (Uncle Remus voice) “Lady. When my balls itch I scratch ’em.”
An older couple recently learned to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife, a retired English instructor with emphasis on the classics, was an incurable romantic. Her husband, a salty retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, was a no-nonsense kind of guy. One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee.
While awaiting her friend’s arrival, the wife decided to exercise her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband responded, “I’m takin’ a shit. Please advise.”
_____________________________________________
(Yeah, I know – it’s not really a Dad joke, but I just had to tell it anyway.)
🙂
How do you know there’s an elephant under your bed?
– He has a big ‘E’ on his pajamas.
I was watching the races on TV last night and the last race was crazy.
They had a hammer race a dikfor.
Guess which won?
— What’s a dikfor?
You need to have that talk with your mother.
I was about 13 when my dad told me this one.
What’s the difference between a nun and a naked lady in the bathtub?
A nun has hope in her soul.
I just remembered one that my dad told. It’s a groaner.
Drunk goes into the night court. “Order, order in the court.” Drunk yells out, “Give me ham and eggs.” Somehow it reminds me more of an Abbott &Costello thing.
HEY ! MY JOKES ARE FUNNY.
My Dad was an oilman…Wildcatter dies and finds himself in a two mile line moving a few inches an hour so he walks ahead and arrives at the Pearly Gates and sees St. Peter…So Pete, what do I need to give you to shorten the wait he asks…Peter smiles and says that these people are blessed to one day be in Heaven and he will have to wait as the others. The Wildcatter tells St. Peter that if he can shorten the line to a few people can he go right in …of course says the Saint with a smile and roll of eyes…20 minutes later, the St. is astounded as thousands in the line start to walk away and standing in front of him is the Wildcatter….How did you do that, how? The wildcatter tells him that he started a rumor that there was a massive oil find in Hell and they are on their way to strike it rich as almost every well hits black gold…St. Peter thinks for a second and congratulates the Wildcatter, steps aside and says “you may enter”…but the Wildcatter hesitates. The Saint asks him what is wrong and the Wildcatter says “You know, I have been thinking and maybe that rumor is right”
What’s the difference between a Harvard woman’s track team and a band of African pygmies?
One’s band of cunning runts…..
Difference between Panama Canal and Hillary Clinton? The canal is a busy ditch ….
I’m laughing at all of these and want to send them to a dad, but this subject is really too close to home. We have endured hours of this stuff.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idear.
My dad was such a wild man that Mom started to call him “Hun”
@MJA
What do you call Matt after you’ve thrown him into the pool? Bob
Heard this from my Dad around the age of 13
Israeli soldier is patrolling a border, gets jumped by three Arabs who tell him, “OK Jew, we kill you right now or you can amuse us by taking a on a challenge.”
Israeli said “Bring it on”
OK Jew here it is. Down in the wadi there are three tents. In the first tent is a gallon bottle of wine. You drink the whole bottle in 5 minutes. Second tent is a adult male lion with an impacted tooth. You go into that tent and pull that tooth. In the third tent there is sheikh’s daughter who is a virgin and guards her virtue like a fanatic. Your task is to go in there and put in the seed for a new jihadi. Good luck, Jew. And the Arabs start laughing
So the Israeli goes into the first tent. Five minutes later he staggers out. Arabs grab him, spin him around and around till he’s reeling drunk and then throw him into the second tent. Immediately, there’s a tremendous roar and crashing inside the tent that lasts for several minutes, and then silence.
The Arabs are laughing their asses off when suddenly the Israeli staggers wild-eyed out of the tent. He’s trying to find the third tent when the lion walks out of the tent and licks him on the face
At which point the Israeli reels and says, “Ok, you got your new jihadi. Where’s the little lady with the impacted tooth