The Best and Worst Songs to Play at Your Fourth of July Party, Ranked – IOTW Report

The Best and Worst Songs to Play at Your Fourth of July Party, Ranked

Thursday, 4 July 2019, 19:00 MJA Uncategorized 26

WFB:

Hogan on the guitar, good. 1812 Overture, bad.

There are lot of great American songs you can play at your Fourth of July party this year, and there also a lot of… well, not-so-great American songs. So how’s an intelligent, discerning patriot supposed to know which troop-supporting, jingoistic tunes to play while grilling up some dogs and shooting off illegal explosives? By listening to me, obviously. Here’s the comprehensive ranking of the best and worst songs to play at your Fourth of July soiree:

Must-play:

1. “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”– What can you say about one of the greatest songs ever written? “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” is so good, SECteams adopted it as their fight songs even though the Union sang it while burning down their traitor-infested cities. Stirring, patriotic, pro-war, and explicitly Christian, this is the perfect song to own a lib or a Neo-Confederate this Independence Day.

2. “Stars and Stripes Forever”– If John Philip Sousa doesn’t play at least once during your Fourth of July festivities, you’ve royally screwed up. “Stars and Stripes Forever” is easily Sousa’s best work, although he himself insisted it was “Semper Fidelis” and you can’t go wrong there. “The Washington Post” is another banger, but sadly is a tribute to fake news and must be forsworn.

3. “The Army Goes Rolling Along”/“Anchors Aweigh”/“The U.S. Air Force”/“Marine Hymn”– I’m not going to play favorites, all four songs are absolutely fabulous. (Beware of medleys, which typically also include a clip of a song belonging to some organization called “The Coast Guard”? Yeah, like the Ashton Kutcher movie. I don’t get it either.)

4. “America! (F*ck Yeah!)”– Duh.

5. “God Bless America” as performed by Kate Smith while everyone wears Nike’s Betsy Ross sneakers

6. “The Star-Spangled Banner”

7. “Hail to the Chief”– Not playing this one is tantamount to an admission that you don’t want America to be great again.

8. “Real American”– I’m a little miffed this song isn’t our national anthem. If you aren’t immediately a fan, simply marvel at the official music video, which transitions seamlessly from images of Martin Luther King Jr. and the Vietnam Memorial to Hulk Hogan jamming on an American flag guitar in front of fireworks. KEEP READING

26 Comments on The Best and Worst Songs to Play at Your Fourth of July Party, Ranked

  2. Tradition has it you don’t want to hear “Stars and Stripes Forever” at the Barnum and Bailey Circus. That was the alarm for all the circus employees that there was a major problem. An example of when that was used was the 1944 circus fire in Hartford Connecticut.

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  5. The best song sounds something like this…….”Michelle and Barry are spending the 4th in Italyyyyyyyyy or somewhere else but Amwericaaaaaaaa….we miss them like crotch fungussssssss and hope they stew like 6 week old deer carcasses in the wooooooods”…….

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  6. Nice trailer trash list. Anybody actually click on the link and read where the star spangled banner come in at? 6th? The national anthem comes in 6th and this choad wants to blast AMERICA FUCK YEAH at number 4?

    Fuck you Griswold. and WFB. Go back to huffing on your pussy wizard bong and playing with you anatomically correct ‘action figures’.

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  7. I absolutely love Battle Hymn of the Republic, but my
    eyes fill with tears upon the first few bars and by the time we get to ‘terrible swift sword’ I am totally verklempt.

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  17. I understand the affection for the Union. Truly. But consider this….
    If the Confederacy is guilty of treason, it stands to reason that the signers of the Declaration of Independence are also traitors.

    Irregardless of how anyone feels about the Confederacy, they formed their own nation, separate from the Union. How else could they be readmitted to the Union in the years following cessation of hostilities. By act of the U.S. Congress, all Confederate soldiers and Sailors are considered US Veterans and are given all benefits accorded to them. This is how the Veterans Administration can place regulation grave markers in cemeteries.

    Treason is an unjust term used to cause division between the peoples and to keep us at each others throats.

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  19. The filthy Rebs reneged on the Constitution. The filthy Rebs wanted to extend slavery into the free territories. The filthy Rebs cried like little bitches when Lincoln was elected and decided to call it quits.

    Fuck them. The Federal government declared them rebels and traitors….because they were. Then the Feds took those states back into the union after a well justified ass kicking. Proving that their illegitimate claim to be an independent country was null and void.

    And to bring this bullshit up on the 4th of July?

    Nauseating.

    It’s like rehashing the 1990 Superbowl where SF kicked Denver’s ass 55 to 10. Confederates are Denver fans who simply can’t accept they lost.

    Up the Union, to hell with the Confederates.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fBkFuUdD2I

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  20. WOW! That got ugly quick. I was not being hostile, just pointing out that treason is an incorrect term. I am just as patriotic as you. Many former Confederates served in the US military after the war (notably, the Spanish-American War) and many more of their sons, grandsons and so on, did so as well. Myself included. I am not espousing any vitriol, as some here did.

    And if you think hurling epitaphs directly at me, will hurt my feelings, try again.

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  21. It ain’t me, swamp rat….it’s this here liquor made in America.

    Also, both my fists are surly but super heavy and lack feeling in them. I know this because I’ve been punching a pine tree stump all day in an attempt to finally get my hands on a leprechaun.

    But yeah…..Jeremiah Johnson or whoever your president was was caught in a dressh.

    :fall facedown into pine needles:

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  25. @aaron Burr – the Yankees won the War Of Northern Aggression. But I would say us Southerners have retained American values far better than Libtard infested areas such as the upper Midwest, New England and the Left Coast.

    Y’all have the Rust Belt but we have the Bible Belt.

    But in the spirit of reconciliation I promise to tell you my Leprauchan joke next St Patrick’s day

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  26. “the Yankees won the War Of Northern Aggression.”

    That would be the war started by Confederate shelling on fort Sumpter?

    Further, I am no Yankee. My father was a member of one of the leading families in Mississippi and also one of the Mississippi mafia.

    That would be those white preachers who were run out of the south for preaching racial tolerance. He told me many times of the twisted and evil social realities of living in the south.

    You wanna’ hear some? You know, actual stories of lynchings and beatings and stuff like that? Cuz’, that’s real and not hyperbole dogsqueeze about “‘Merican” values.

    I was born in the South. The Literate South. That tiny enclave of people with an education and actual social graces. I have close relatives who are dirt poor ignorant diabetics.I grew up exposed to the entire spectrum of “Southern Culture”. Hell, I even went to a family reunion of black people with my last name and wore a “Token” shirt. We looked alike other than the skin tone.

    I’ve lived the South. The only difference between me and the slack jawed locals is that I don’t take pride in our history of slavery and rebellion.

    You wanna’ talk Faulkner or O’Toole, we’re cool. You start running your mouth about the “wah of northurn agrushun” I’ll punk you like the ignorant hillbilly you are.

    Now scuse’ me while I enjoy some ‘Merican booze on this weekend dedicated to ‘Merica.

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