Lies Your Parents Told You [And The Lies You Told Your Own Children] – IOTW Report

Lies Your Parents Told You [And The Lies You Told Your Own Children]

Friday, 12 March 2021, 11:45 MJA Uncategorized 50

‘Dad threw my pacifier on the Moon.’

‘Grandpa told me the lava rock in his rock garden was from the actual Moon. It fell from there.’

‘Mom told me she was a cannibal’

‘I once told my daughter if she kissed a boy before she turned 30, I would get cancer and die.’

‘My husband has a scar on his back from surgery, the kids still believe this is where he attaches a tail.’

‘All moms have eyes on the back of their heads.’

‘My parents told me Christmas was on December 27th [so they could catch the after Christmas sales on the 26th.]

I am a fan of Jesse Kelly.
Excuse me, a fan of THE Handsome 6 foot 8, 230 pounds Sombrero Shogun Steel Oracle Jesse kelly.

On his show this week, Handsome Oracle Jesse asked his listeners to share their stories of silly lies their parents told them to get them to eat their vegetables, keep them out of trouble, or just to simply stop annoying mom or dad. But also, Sombrero Jesse wanted to know what lies they themselves told/tell their kids- for the same reasons. Thursday’s show, at the link above, had some funny ones. They start around the 30 minute mark and are thrown in here and there. If you’ve never listened to his show before, you’re in for a treat. He does a quick history lesson and then talks about today’s politics, with some personal opinions and advice mixed in. Bonus: He’s a Conservative and hates Commies.

50 Comments on Lies Your Parents Told You [And The Lies You Told Your Own Children]

  5. Grandma would tell me “If you don’t finish all the food on your plate it will rain tomorrow”.
    And being young, I had things to do tomorrow that I didn’t want spoiled by rain.

    3

  15. My parents talked about a giraffe coming through the basement window. I thought they lied, but it turns out that I misunderstood. It was a draft coming through the basement window.

    8

  16. “Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

    Really? What bedbugs? Occasionally, there were spiders and mosquitoes, but never any bedbugs. But I guess some people have bedbugs. Imagine having bedbugs in your bed biting you when you’re asleep! I hate bugs at night when I can’t see them. But, to this day, I’ve never actually seen a bedbug. But I guess they’re out there… somewhere.

    6

  20. Let me try….
    Babies come from under the cabbage leaves in the garden…. I spent many a day in the garden looking for my baby sister or brother. BTW, I got the best sister ever.

    If you pee in the tub or shower, you’ll get a sty in your eye…. I never did

    It turns out that chocolate milk does NOT come from chocolate cows. This was a major disappointment. When I was little I wanted a dairy farm like my adopted parents but I was gonna raise chocolate cows. This was a major let-down in my life. I had to change my lofty ideas of being a Chocolate Milk Magnate and go into the communications field. I’m sure I would have been the best Chocolate Milk Dairy Farmer ever.

    7

  22. …but you COULD end up with vision problems from male srlf-help back in the day, because the Sears catalog had the women’s underwear models in the middle and it was a BIG book then, and since you had to one-hand it for obvious reasons it made the image kind of blur due to activities elsewhere in the interconnected system, so your eyes got stressed trying to focus the shaky image…

    …not that I’d know anything about that…

    3

  26. Dad told my brother and I that their was an evil
    shrunken head in the attic that he brought back from
    WWII.He said it could talk………
    We were scared $hitless of it.

    5

  27. …I was told when I was learning to drive from my Dad and I missed an exit on I-75 that it was a REALLY bad screw-up because we’d have to drive all the way to Florida to turn around.

    We were in Ohio at the time.

    …turns out there ARE places BEFORE you get to Florida to turn around, sometimes, but maybe it was just because he knew stuff then that I know now about how badly ODOT, KDOT, TDOT, etc., can really screw up an exit…

    2

  33. “‘All moms have eyes on the back of their heads.’”
    That’s not where Dad said they were; he also told me one eye was all bloodshot and the other full of shaving cream….

    2

  37. At a very young age I helped my parents plant the Spring vegetable garden. They gave me some carrot seeds to drop along a row. During my afternoon nap, my father went to the grocery and came back with a bunch of carrots with their green tops intact. Imagine my delight to find my carrots were ready to be harvested.

    I was too young to remember this event but it was an oft told family story. I’m waiting for grandkids to be the next round of gardeners.

    4

  39. My father told my younger sisters and me that during World War II my mother spent time in a German prison camp for trying to poison Hitler. I told my second grade teacher, she told them what I said during a parent-teacher conference, and you can guess the rest. We laugh about that to this day.

    4

  40. When my kids wouldn’t go to bed or whatever I would pick up the phone and start dialing.
    I would say “I have to call 1-800-SANTACLAUS to let him know.”
    It really did work – right to bed.

    4

  41. I know how big a pain kids can be when the ice cream truck comes around.
    – I was a kid myself, after all, and a real pain.
    So when I heard the music while we were outside I would say “There’s that crazy man driving around our neighborhood again.”
    They would run right inside.
    But then one day at the park the ice cream truck drove through.
    There were 40 kids running to the truck and my two kids running away in fear.
    Kinda embarrassing.
    I had to buy ice cream every time after that.
    – No objections, no complaints.

    3

  42. Tim
    MARCH 12, 2021 AT 2:23 PM
    “I had to walk to school, uphill, both ways, in the snow, even in the Summertime!

    And you think you got it bad?”

    …well, it was like that for ME too, but we NEVER had good weather because we couldn’t AFFORD it.

    5

  43. My favorite was telling my kids that the Martians were watching them thru the living room window and that only parents could see the Martians. And telling my kids I was only 39 for a lot of years until my mom finked on me and told them how old I really was. And telling my kids that you could see the edge of the world from atop the Lewiston hill in Idaho overlooking the valley down below, if you looked far enough on the horizon you could see the beginning of Hell’s Canyon which was the end of the world. My grandparents were great kidders as well, my grandfather once told us while we were picking huckleberries on the back of Canfield Mtn. just East of CDA, Idaho that he could start his old International P/U in an emergency by putting soap in the gas tank and we kids believed him. But my grandmothers story about the time it rained fish and frogs over the their farm in Dalton Gardens just N. of CDA takes the prize for being an out and out fib. I have an older cousin who says that it’s true, that some fish and frogs got caught up during a severe windstorm over Hayden Lake and were sucked up into a wind spout and deposited on the opposite side of the hill from the lake and rained down on their farm. But my dads story about when my grandmother took the family dog (Punk) out and shot with him a shotgun him because he was sick is the best, evidently she didn’t take good aim and blew the dogs nuts off which were filled with puss and after the puss drained away the dog crawled back home to the farm much to my dad and his older brothers surprise. And the dog lived for quite a while after that.

    2

  44. @Ollie Hominin – you do know where that comes from…?

    My dad use to say….”We’ll cross that bridge when we get to IT…”

    What? The George Washington or Tappan Zee??

    That was a Greatest Generation term…(war)

    4

  48. My dad told me and my sister that the round hay bales in the fields were made by leprechauns at night. Since I’m not from the country and I’ve never seen them made in daytime, I’m inclined to still believe him.

    2

  49. Goldenfoxx
    MARCH 12, 2021 AT 7:05 PM
    ““If you make fun of retarded kids, you will give birth to a retarded kid.”

    Funny how I remember that specific lie.”

    …well, I used to make fun of “harelips” as a kid, even sung a bastardized Christmas Carol that started “Hark The Harelipped Angels Sing”, followed by a mockingly lipsed next line as though “harelipped” angels were singing it.

    …then my son was born with a cleft lip and palate.

    …I’ve had 20 years of surgeries, sleepless nights, anxieties, personal soul searching, and his self-image problems growing up caused by how cruel kids can be about such things to reflect on and repent of the error of my ways, but I’ve never forgotten how brainlessly I thought that was funny once.

    …gotta be careful with that stuff…God can humble you in ways you’d never even IMAGINE…

    2

  50. Actual tall tale told by my mother

    She named my youngest sister “Marya” because it was a traditional family name from Austria

    Fifty years later, someone in the extended family did a geneology of our German side that went back six generations. Guess what? Nobody named Marya, and nobody from Austria

    Someone’s got some ‘splaining to do

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