The power of prayer…and a dictionary – IOTW Report

The power of prayer…and a dictionary

Friday, 27 August 2021, 16:15 MJA Uncategorized 25

h/t Doc

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

25 Comments on The power of prayer…and a dictionary

  1. When I was in college a girl in our Bible study wanted to work in an animal sanctuary. The guy who prayed for her was very sincere, but no the sharpest crayon in the box. Instead of praying for her exotic animal training he prayed for her erotic animal training.

    19

  6. Many years ago when I was in college I broke my ankle in a motorcycle accident. I was hobbling around campus on crutches and I came across a girl who was also on crutches. I struck up a conversation and she asked about the cast on my ankle. After explaining my accident I noticed she had no casts anywhere. I asked what her injury was and she said she broke her pubic bone. The conversation didn’t last much longer…

    6

  7. I had a pastor who was reading from the Book of Kings. In it there are numerous references to the “annals” of the Kings of Judah. Unfortunately this guy kept referring to the “anals” of the Kings of Judah. Yeah, it was a bit awkward. He was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

    6

  8. Not buying it. An impact hard enough to break your sternum to the point you need to do “wire reconstruction” will probably bruise your heart, break all your ribs at the sternum, give you pericardial tamponade (if your broken ribs don’t rip open your pericardium), maybe give you a tension pneumo/hemothorax (again from the broken ribs), drive your xiphoid process into your chitlins, and probably kill you LONG before you have to worry about any of THAT because the impact ALONE stops your heart with electromechanical dissociation (EMD), like a precodial thump, most likely leaving you dead unless it’s a witnessed arrest and the witness can do immediate CPR, which is problematic at best if your sternum is shattered.

    I had a woman who was driving at high speed (cops clocked her in the high 80s), then missed a turn and hit a large cinderblock strip mall main sign, stopping the (pre-airbag) car.

    Dead.

    It was striking to see when we gained access that both her femurs were broken by her unseatbelted body submarining under the dashboard as it was pushing from the impact into the passenger compartment, ramming them out through her ass.

    But the really striking thing was there was very little blood despite these severe injuries.

    This was because of the bruise we found on her chest where she impacted the steering column.

    It stopped her heart instantly.

    (The flight surgeon thought he could save her companion who still had a bit of a pulse, bud declared him dead when he realized how far the un-balled stick shift rammed through his eye into his brain had gone, but that’s not pertinent).

    The mechanism of injury seems kind of bogus too. Most bicycle injuries tend to be head and extremeties, and being unsecured you’re probably not going to take that hard of a chest hit anyway as you are ragdolling, so that really doesn’t hold up either.

    Pick something else like “cecum”, which COULD be damaged by handlebars and could more EASILY be confused with “scrotum”, and at least it’s all lower body and could be confused by his apparently ignorant wife who wasn’t even sitting with him in church, evidently.

    What? It’s a JOKE? “Lighten up, Francis”?

    Ok. Hahaha.

    (It still doesn’t really make medical sense, but whatevs…)

    6

  15. Our local cafe had purchased a soft serve ice cream machine. A guy ordered a chocolate sundae, when the waitress set it on the table, he asked “do you have nuts?”
    Without missing a beat she said, “Nope, opted for brains.”

    10

  16. SNS – “…I DID say “Hahahah…”

    Yes you did. And then you qualified it by saying,

    “…(It still doesn’t really make medical sense, but whatevs…)…”

    Your turn. 😉

    3

  17. In every church service the pastor would introduce the organist. Pointing at her he’d say “And there’s Joan on the organ.” Couldn’t help but think it! 🙂

    5

  18. Reminds me of old Charlie McBride. He was this short black man who looked like a leprechaun. He had the beard, the hat, the merry twinkle of mischief in his eyes, and a sweet stutter. Boy could he tell a joke.
    Here’s my favorite Charlie McBride joke:

    Dey’s dis man and his wife, an Dey tryna have keeids. Dey be tryne n tryne, so the woman go to de doc to find out why dey ain’t havin no babies. She come out de doctors, an say, Ain’t nuffin wrong wif me, you gotsta getchoseff check out! So he go to de docs and he come out struttin. The wife, she say, Well? He smile and he say, Doctor say I’s impOtent, and when you’s impOtent, you walks impOtent.

    2

  20. Guy and his wife can’t conceive, so he goes to a fertility clinic to get a sperm count. Nurse gives the guy a sample jar and directs him to the room so he can collect his “sample”. After a long time elapsed, the nurse knocks on the door to see if everything is ok. The guy says “I’ve tried everything, I tried my right hand, I tried my left hand, I tried running hot water on it, I tried running cold water on it, and finally I tried slamming it on the table…” The nurse is becoming increasingly flustered, and the man continued: “…but no matter what I do, I can’t get the damned lid off this jar!”

    5

  21. In the first recorded case of PMS, the Bible tells us that Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.

    Yeah yeah, I know, she was already pregnant and couldn’t have PMS. Maybe she was just feeling cranky on that trip. It’s a joke and yes, I have a window seat waiting for me in Hell. I hope it’s behind Biden’s so I can kick the back of it for Eternity.

    2

  23. Years ago, one of my black co-workers, who was a Catholic, walked in the room when someone was talking about the mother of Jesus, Mary. After a minute, he blurted out that Mary was a whore. Every head in the room turned toward him and someone said, “What?” He said that in the Bible it said that Mary was a whore. (This is a true story) Someone finally realized that he had The Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalen confused with each other. One of the guys slowly and respectfully talked him through the facts and explained that the Virgin Mary couldn’t be a whore. He eventually got it and the look of wonderment fell across his face. The guy was in his forties at the time. He was really that ignorant. We felt sorry for him that he didn’t know better. He was otherwise a great guy and liked by all.

    1

Comments are closed.

iOTWreport.com ©2024 ----- iOTWreport is not responsible for the content of comments. All opinions in comments are solely the commenter's.