Post ’em, read ’em, collect ’em here!
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.”
Our hotel charged us ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
OK. Now you go.
H/T PHenry.
Did you know that it takes five sheep to make one sweater? It surprised me. I didn’t even know they could knit.
Don’t let people tell you what you can’t do. Take Beethoven for example. They told him that he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf, but he didn’t listen.
I’m just pondering: Do fish get cramps after eating?
I had to find a solution to my Claustrophobia so I started thinking outside of the box.
What the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam
I asked my dog, what is two minus two. He said nothing.
The Soviets took their symphonic music seriously. So seriously that one particular symphony conductor was sentenced to death by electric chair for his terrible performance before the Kremlin.
Amazingly, he didn’t die during the execution. Apparently, he truly was a poor conductor.
My dad used to tell me that if I had one more brain cell I’d have two. It wasn’t a joke.
Where do one legged people work?
IHOP.
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too mant cheetahs.
Dad advice: You will be stuck with debt if you can’t budge it.
A truck loaded with Vick’s VapoRub wrecked and turned over in heavy traffic.
Coincidentally it relieved congestion for up to 8 hours.
Why didn’t anyone play cards on the ark?
Because Noah stood on the deck.
I wrote OneNote to whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will make you Paypal, you have my Word.
I excel at bad jokes and I have a good Outlook.
Three men are walking down the street. Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducked.
Why couldn’t Long John Silver play cribbage?
He only had one peg.
Did you know God was the original Dad joker?
…everyone knows how he ribbed Adam…
Two young Germans, Tad Pohl and Polly Wogge left Germany to go live in France. They wanted to become Frogs.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar – bartender says “Not U2 again!!”
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was just OK, but the reception was fantastic!
A guy is apprehended sneaking over the Mexican border. He told the agents he just wanted to visit his uncle in Chula Vista. The agents said “We’re not convinced you belong in this country! Take the words green, pink, and yellow and put them in a sentence.” Paco says “Ok Ok my telephone eet goes green green green – I pink eet up – I say yellow!!”
What do you call two lepers in a hot tub? Soup.
How do you separate the men from the boys in Washington DC? With a crow bar.
I Lost My Yo Yo At The Beach –
By Sandy Duncan.
Apologies to “TN Tuxedo”.
There was this symphony conductor who kept getting fired from his jobs due to terrible performance. He couldn’t keep time, kept skipping notes, and ticked off the orchestra members. He got so tired of being fired he decided to stick his keys into an outlet and end it all. Nothing happened. Apparently he was a poor conductor after all.
What happened at the Leper’s hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are sitting at the doctor’s office. All three are pregnant. The brunette says “I’m going to have a boy because my husband was on top of me when we conceived!” The redhead says “I was on top so I guess that means I’m going to have a girl!” The blonde starts crying and wailing. The other girls go “What’s wrong honey?” The blonde cries out “I’m going to have puppies!!”.
Waffles are pancakes with abs.
@Kel Varnsen
On the Sandy Duncan joke – It took a while but I got it. Only because I had one as a kid.
Karnak – Siss Boom Bah
Reads letter – What sounds do a sheep make when it blows up?
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two.
But don’t ask me how they got in there.
My boss told me to have a great day. So I went home.
Jethro – I’m going way back for some of these! 🙂
A few cows were smoking dope and playing poker. The stakes were high that night.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy”.
Some days I just wait at a green light until I’m feeling good about myself.
What do you call it when you’re constipated from eating too much Chinese food?
Hung Chow.
How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They complain about having to hold it while the world revolves around them.
Two leftist DC bureaucrats are standing outside of Congress. One of them sees a snail on the ground and squashes it with his foot. The other one says “What did you do that for?” The squisher says “That sumbitch has been following me around all day!!”.
I asked an old timer, “Have you lived in New Hampshire your whole life?”
“Not yet.” he replied.
OK. Apologies in advance for this one.
Why didn’t Natalie Wood shower? She likes to wash up on shore.
Legendary NFL kicker Mark Moseley finally passed his kidney stone. It was wide right.
I didn’t want to have kids so I got a vasectomy but when I got home they were still there.
A certain John has a perversion he enjoys performing with a one eyed courtesan. Whenever he’s in the mood and texts her, she always texts back “Ok – I’ll keep an eye out for you!”.
The Amazing Karnac:…”DAY O, DAY O, DAY O”…..
“WHAT IS THE DAY BEFORE THE IRANIAN HOSTAGE CRISIS”….
Two gerbils walk past a bar – Richard Gere is sitting inside. One says to the other “You want to go inside and get sh#t faced?”.
The above, working for over $15,000/month was the funniest joke of the day.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
Biden got 81 million votes.
What do you call two fruity guys named Bob?
Oral Roberts.
PHenry
FEBRUARY 11, 2023 AT 2:08 PM
“OK. Apologies in advance for this one.
Why didn’t Natalie Wood shower? She likes to wash up on shore.”
What’s the only wood that doesn’t float?
Natalie.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. They order a beer. The bartender says “Sorry. We don’t serve breakfast.”
Q: What do you call a fish with two knees?
A: A Twokneefish
“…Q: What do you call a fish with two knees?
A: A Twokneefish…”
GROANER! That’s why I like it!
I’ve got my Burger King pants on…home of the whopper!
These pants are like a cheap hotel..no ballroom!
Sorry I had an inappropriate dad.
Which one doesn’t belong in this list?
Lobster, Clam, Chinese guy hit by a truck, Shrimp.
Clam. It’s a bivalve.
The others are crustaceans. (Pronounced crushed asian)
What do gay horses eat”
Haaaaay!
A Before Yer A Dad Joke
Where were you yesterday!!!
There was nobody else to
cover your shift.
——————-I’m sorry. I was becoming a
——————-father yesterday 🙂
Oh really? I’m happy for you.
Boy or girl?
——————-I’l tell you in 9 months – D
You’re fired.
Why can’t you ever trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
“I’ll take the inmate downstairs,” Tom said condescendingly.
One of my favorite cannibal jokes, Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals? Because they keep throwing up their hands.
Two old blue haired ladies were sitting on a park bench one sunny afternoon. A perv in a raincoat came up to them and threw the coat open and flashed them. One old woman had a stroke. The other one couldn’t reach it.
Joke going the rounds after John Lennon was murdered.
What’ll it take to re-unite the Beatles? Three more bullets.
What do we call a fur-lined jockstrap?
Ball to Ball carpeting.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his buddy in the woods?
To the overpaid spammer – I don’t need your financial services. I live on top of the First National Bank. Ass sets over ten million dollars. 🙂
A guy opened a restaurant and nightclub on the moon. After two months he closed it down.
Nobody went there because it had no atmosphere.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing away all the W’s. What do you call a brunette who’s friends with a blonde chick? A blonde interpreter.
Straight from Blanche Knott…
What do you call a black prostitute with braces?
A Black And Decker Pecker Wrecker.
Did you hear about the two Scottish gays?
Ben Dover and Phil McCrevice.
Easy folks. A gentle reminder. These are dad jokes. Stuff you can tell your kids. Let’s not get out of control.
Here’s the first joke my dad ever told me as a kid. I was in third grade.
Once there was a lady on a train with her beloved dog. And her dog’s name was Ballsitch. Well the dog went missing and she ran up and down the train frantically looking for him while yelling, “OH MY BALLSITCH! OH MY BALLSITCH!”
Then the conductor came up to her and said, (Dad used an Uncle Remus voice) “Lady? When my balls itch I scratch ’em.”
Still makes me LOL. LOL!
Wife, looking at the kitchen floor: “Have you seen the dog bowl?”
Husband: “I didn’t know he could.”
How do you train a trash removal guy? You don’t, they pick it up as they go!
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter that the other? Eileen.
Pull my finger !
Confucius say “woman who fly airplane upside down have nasty crack-up”.
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: Why the long face?
Are Mom jokes a thing ?
New York Tourist: How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
New Yorker: PRACTICE.
Carnac – Mount Baldy
Reads letter – What did Yul Brynner’s wife do on their wedding night?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back after you throw it?
a stick (@Tony R that’s a joke)
What do you see when a duck bends over? It’s butt quack.
I’m so old …
That when I read “1984” in high school, it was still set in the futre
I actually saw OJ Simpson running away on live TV … from linebackers and safeties
And let me tell ya .. he was moving faster on the field than he was in his Ford Bronco
Didja hear that Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers converted to Islam?
They now go by Muhammad Wally and Jareem Abdul Bivar
One night I dreamt that I was eating a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
They are now starring in a sitcom about family life in Afghanistan called “Cleave It From Theiver”
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.
In this country we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sex?
I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”
The other day I was talking to Jose Canseco and he said he never used any protein supplements at all
And I said “No whey, Jose?”
How do you get down off of an elephant? You don’t, you get down off of a duck.
Lately there have been rumors that Elvis was Jewish – I guess he’s just a hunka hunka burning bush love.
@Wild Bill:
And if she’s Chinese? Irene.
Didja hear about the Australian Queer?
He left Adelaide for Sydney.
@Take My Wife,Please
john kerry walks into a bar.
Bartender: Why the horse face?