Which is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water, of course.
Butane is a lighter fluid.
16
A loooong time ago a teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little boy name Joe raises his hand.
“I stutter, but I also had a little cat who stuttered too.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked Joe to explain.
“Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my cat and the Rottweiler next door got a running start and before anybody knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was!” said Joe.
“The cat raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,”
but before it could say “Fuck-off”, the Rottweiler ate the cat!!”
11
Harry, good one! That was a new little Johnny joke to me!
5
Joe Biden got 81 million votes!
10
RIP boiling water,
you will be mist.
13
What is the big advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, its flag is a big plus.
5
“Et tu Brute”, said Caesar pointedly.
5
“Did you know what Jesus said to Saint Peter when Jesus was on the cross?”
“No, What did He say?”
“I can see your home from here!”
2
Several decades ago, when cloning was a big news item, a Silicon Valley scientist made a clone of himself. It was successful beyond his expectations. He would send the clone to work while he lounged around the house. He sent the clone to boring parties so he wouldn’t have to go. He had the clone entertain guests at his home while he slept upstairs.
After a year or so, something started to go wrong in the clone. He got obnoxious at work, would curse at people and made a nuisance of himself in public by pulling out his privates, relieving himself on the neighbor’s property, etc.
The scientist realized he would have to get rid of the bothersome clone before his life was completely ruined. He came up with a plan, so he told the clone, Lets go hiking in Yosemite…we can hike up to the top of Half Dome…it’ll be great. The clone agrees.
So the next day, they drove to Yosemite, and hiked to the top of Half Dome. While the clone was enjoying the view, the scientist snuck behind him and pushed him over the edge.
Whew, said the scientist, that’s the end of him.
Not so fast. A few days later the police showed up at his house to arrest him. The scientist says: You’re arresting me for what?
The arresting officer says: For Making an Obscene Clone Fall.
I know….it’s a bad joke, but this is bad joke Friday.
5
The poet Ezra Pound had a friend in Toronto, Canada.
Back in the 1930’s Pound sent a letter to his friend. As a test of the post office, and as a joke, he wrote the location city name as Tomato, Can.
The letter made it to the destination.
2
Why are there no girls named Ada living in Canada?
Because: Can – Ada.
1
What do you call a killer with 2 butts? An assassin. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because their pee is silent. Why do Canadians have sex doggy style? So, they can both watch the hockey game.
3
Boy, his handwriting stinks!!
He must’ve used a number 2 pencil.
5
The Bible states that Satan is a woman! “And Satan was abroad in the land”!
4
The Indian chief was a local legend known for his ability to remember things.
A tourist from back East heard of this and asks the chief what he had for breakfast on this day 20 years ago.
Without hesitation, the chief answers, “Eggs.”
Unable to dispute what he said the tourist moves on down the road.
Two years later, the tourist finds himself in the same town and comes across the chief he had met before. Wanting to be friendly, he approaches the chief, raises his hand and says “How.”
The chief immediately replies, “Scrambled.”
No, it wasn’t Lizzy Warren’s grandfather. I’ll show myself out.
5
An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Englishman in horror, he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheik asked.
The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”
3
After two days in the desert, Abdul’s camel was about to collapse.
“Ahmed,” Abdul ordered, “bring her over here to the watering hole!”
Ahmed brought the camel to the watering hole, but no matter what they did, the camel would not drink. Knowing that the camel would die if it did not drink, Abdul came up with an idea. “We will have to force the camel drink,” Abdul explained, “Ahmed, when I hold the camels head under the water, you start sucking through it’s backside, and it will be forced to drink!”
Knowing they would die if the camel didn’t drink, Ahmed went to the rear of the camel. As Abdul stuck the camel’s head under the water, Ahmed began sucking on the camel’s backside. After a couple of minutes sucking on the backside, Ahmed shouted to Abdul, “Lift her head a little, she’s sucking mud!”
3
What’s the difference between a firearm and a woke snowflake?
The firearm has just one trigger.
5
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS
1
Edison tested the first light bulb in secrecy by installing it in an outhouse of a remote Indian tribe…
thus becoming the first man in history to wire a head for a reservation.
4
This needs to be said in a cadence –
Da da da da da da dadada
Da da da da da da dadada
Da dada da da
Da da dada da da dadada
and so on…
There once were three ladies from Birmingham
and this is the story concerning ’em
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop who wuz a confirmin’ ’em
Now the Bishop was nobody’s fool,
He’d been to a fine public school
He lowered their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his six-inch Episcopal tool.
The last of the three named Sue
remarked as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar wuz quicker
and thicker and slicker
And three inches longer than you!
Da Dump!
The last stanza was once said on the Johnny Carson show… and everybody knew the rest!
1
A Protestant, a Catholic and a Mormom walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at the threesone and says
“What is this .. some kind of joke?”
4
Did you hear about the kidnapping on the street?
It’s fine. He woke up.
9
We can make the names of countries more interesting or at least funny by changing or adding letter or two.
Titaly
Whoreway
Belchium
United Queendom
‘fromania
Goatswanna
Packin’ Stan
Zooganda
Yaah-man
Goodgollyit’s Mali
Squatemala
Guam (Withthewind)
1
I was going to include “Spicaragua”, but that would constitute a Class IV Wordcrime felony in violation of Directive XXLVII of the Higher Woke Authority
3
Came home from work last Friday and the wife met me at the door wearing a sexy little teddy and holding a pair of handcuffs.
With a twinkle in her eye, she told me take her to bedroom, shackle her to the bed posts and then I could do anything I wanted.
So I did!
When I was sure that the cuffs were secure but not too tight, I turned around and went fishing for the weekend.
Which is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water, of course.
Butane is a lighter fluid.
A loooong time ago a teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little boy name Joe raises his hand.
“I stutter, but I also had a little cat who stuttered too.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked Joe to explain.
“Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my cat and the Rottweiler next door got a running start and before anybody knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was!” said Joe.
“The cat raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,”
but before it could say “Fuck-off”, the Rottweiler ate the cat!!”
Harry, good one! That was a new little Johnny joke to me!
Joe Biden got 81 million votes!
RIP boiling water,
you will be mist.
What is the big advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, its flag is a big plus.
“Et tu Brute”, said Caesar pointedly.
“Did you know what Jesus said to Saint Peter when Jesus was on the cross?”
“No, What did He say?”
“I can see your home from here!”
Several decades ago, when cloning was a big news item, a Silicon Valley scientist made a clone of himself. It was successful beyond his expectations. He would send the clone to work while he lounged around the house. He sent the clone to boring parties so he wouldn’t have to go. He had the clone entertain guests at his home while he slept upstairs.
After a year or so, something started to go wrong in the clone. He got obnoxious at work, would curse at people and made a nuisance of himself in public by pulling out his privates, relieving himself on the neighbor’s property, etc.
The scientist realized he would have to get rid of the bothersome clone before his life was completely ruined. He came up with a plan, so he told the clone, Lets go hiking in Yosemite…we can hike up to the top of Half Dome…it’ll be great. The clone agrees.
So the next day, they drove to Yosemite, and hiked to the top of Half Dome. While the clone was enjoying the view, the scientist snuck behind him and pushed him over the edge.
Whew, said the scientist, that’s the end of him.
Not so fast. A few days later the police showed up at his house to arrest him. The scientist says: You’re arresting me for what?
The arresting officer says: For Making an Obscene Clone Fall.
I know….it’s a bad joke, but this is bad joke Friday.
The poet Ezra Pound had a friend in Toronto, Canada.
Back in the 1930’s Pound sent a letter to his friend. As a test of the post office, and as a joke, he wrote the location city name as Tomato, Can.
The letter made it to the destination.
Why are there no girls named Ada living in Canada?
Because: Can – Ada.
What do you call a killer with 2 butts? An assassin. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because their pee is silent. Why do Canadians have sex doggy style? So, they can both watch the hockey game.
Boy, his handwriting stinks!!
He must’ve used a number 2 pencil.
The Bible states that Satan is a woman! “And Satan was abroad in the land”!
The Indian chief was a local legend known for his ability to remember things.
A tourist from back East heard of this and asks the chief what he had for breakfast on this day 20 years ago.
Without hesitation, the chief answers, “Eggs.”
Unable to dispute what he said the tourist moves on down the road.
Two years later, the tourist finds himself in the same town and comes across the chief he had met before. Wanting to be friendly, he approaches the chief, raises his hand and says “How.”
The chief immediately replies, “Scrambled.”
No, it wasn’t Lizzy Warren’s grandfather. I’ll show myself out.
An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Englishman in horror, he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheik asked.
The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”
After two days in the desert, Abdul’s camel was about to collapse.
“Ahmed,” Abdul ordered, “bring her over here to the watering hole!”
Ahmed brought the camel to the watering hole, but no matter what they did, the camel would not drink. Knowing that the camel would die if it did not drink, Abdul came up with an idea. “We will have to force the camel drink,” Abdul explained, “Ahmed, when I hold the camels head under the water, you start sucking through it’s backside, and it will be forced to drink!”
Knowing they would die if the camel didn’t drink, Ahmed went to the rear of the camel. As Abdul stuck the camel’s head under the water, Ahmed began sucking on the camel’s backside. After a couple of minutes sucking on the backside, Ahmed shouted to Abdul, “Lift her head a little, she’s sucking mud!”
What’s the difference between a firearm and a woke snowflake?
The firearm has just one trigger.
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS
Edison tested the first light bulb in secrecy by installing it in an outhouse of a remote Indian tribe…
thus becoming the first man in history to wire a head for a reservation.
This needs to be said in a cadence –
Da da da da da da dadada
Da da da da da da dadada
Da dada da da
Da da dada da da dadada
and so on…
There once were three ladies from Birmingham
and this is the story concerning ’em
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop who wuz a confirmin’ ’em
Now the Bishop was nobody’s fool,
He’d been to a fine public school
He lowered their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his six-inch Episcopal tool.
The last of the three named Sue
remarked as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar wuz quicker
and thicker and slicker
And three inches longer than you!
Da Dump!
The last stanza was once said on the Johnny Carson show… and everybody knew the rest!
A Protestant, a Catholic and a Mormom walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at the threesone and says
“What is this .. some kind of joke?”
Did you hear about the kidnapping on the street?
It’s fine. He woke up.
We can make the names of countries more interesting or at least funny by changing or adding letter or two.
Snotland
Zitaly
Grease
Turdkey
Asstralia
Sordid Arabia
Prance
etc.
You could add Germy, Hungry, Chinka.
Burpa, N. Gonorrhea, Tieland etc.
Densemark
Nukraine
Nerdway
Swisherland
Queertar
Wrekador
Urineway
Messico
Nude Zealand
Titaly
Whoreway
Belchium
United Queendom
‘fromania
Goatswanna
Packin’ Stan
Zooganda
Yaah-man
Goodgollyit’s Mali
Squatemala
Guam (Withthewind)
I was going to include “Spicaragua”, but that would constitute a Class IV Wordcrime felony in violation of Directive XXLVII of the Higher Woke Authority
Came home from work last Friday and the wife met me at the door wearing a sexy little teddy and holding a pair of handcuffs.
With a twinkle in her eye, she told me take her to bedroom, shackle her to the bed posts and then I could do anything I wanted.
So I did!
When I was sure that the cuffs were secure but not too tight, I turned around and went fishing for the weekend.