It’s Bad Joke FRIDAY!1!1!! – IOTW Report

It’s Bad Joke FRIDAY!1!1!!

Friday, 29 March 2024, 15:00 MJA Uncategorized 28

With you know who, you know where.

28 Comments on It’s Bad Joke FRIDAY!1!1!!

  4. I came across a Norwegian medical dictionary while going thru a bunch of old family pictures and my dad’s stuff. There were some very funny terms in there like the following; barium-what doctors do when treatment fails, bowel-letters like A,E,I,O,U, dilate-to live long, for joey, diarrhea-journal of daily events, impotent-distinguished, well known, intense pain-torture in the teepee, morbid-higher offer, node-was aware of, nitrate-cheaper than day rate, Pelvis-cousin of Elvis, rectum-dang near killed em, scar-rolled tobacco leaf, terminal illness-sickness at the airport, Tibia-country in N. Africa, annally-occurring yearly, tumor-an extra pair, and urine-opposite of “you’re out.” My dad loved corny jokes (and Hee Haw and Green Acres) and when I got a new Mad Magazine if I didn’t beat him to it, he’d read it before me and laugh his ass off.

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  5. Years ago, while traveling in Argentina, I came across a couple of guys sitting in a bar in deep conversation. Having recognized them I approached, confirmed their identities as Adolph Hitler and Heinrich Müller and engaged them in conversation.
    Telling that I was amazed that they were still alive, I asked them what they were scheming about. They told me they were planning the Fourth Reich. “The Fourth Reich!” I exclaimed, what the hell are you planning now?
    Müller then explained how this time rather than attacking Jews, they were going to kill all the blacks in the world and 600 chickens. I replied, “Why would you want to kill 600 chickens?”
    Hitler leaned over to Müller and said, “See, I told you no one would care about the blacks”…..

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  10. A Doctor and a Lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man asking what to do about an ulcer. The doctor mumbled something medical then turned and asked the lawyer “how do you handle it when you are asked for advice during a social function”? “I send a bill” the lawyer replied. The next morning the doctor arrived at his office and issued the ulcer stricken man a a bill for $50.00. That afternoon he received a bill from the lawyer for $100.00!

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  13. Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
    “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked. 

    Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. 

    She was “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with some of the other old guys. So I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

    She replied, “Are you nuts? You are over 71 and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” 

    I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. 

    She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.” 

    “Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said. “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!” 
    That’s when the line went dead.

    Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

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  14. A man goes into a bar. There’s a robot bartender. Since the minimum wage was increased to $15/hr, the owner had to replace his human bartender.

    The robot says, “What will you have?”

    The man said, “Martini.”

    The robot brings back the best martini he ever had and asked the man, “What’s your IQ?”

    The man replied, “168.”

    The robot then proceeded to discuss physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

    The man left, but he is curious. He returns to the bar and the robot bartender asked the man, “What will you have?”

    The man said, “Martini.”

    Again, the robot made a great martini, gave it to the man, and asked, “What’s your IQ?”

    This time, the man said, “100.”

    The robot bartender talked about NASCAR, Budweiser, and John Deere tractors.

    The man left, but returned one more time and the robot bartender asked him, “What will you have?”

    The man said, “Martini” and the robot brought another great martini and asked, “What’s your IQ?”

    The man said, “Uh, about 50.”

    The robot leans in real close and said, “So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?”

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  15. A young soldier joins the Foreign Legion.
    He gets stationed in the desert with 30 men living in a small tent city miles away from anywhere.

    Weeks go by and one night, a little embarrassed and stammering, he asks the lieutenant,

    “Sir….ya know ….it’s kind of personal …but with no women out here for miles, well…a guy can get pretty horny sometimes…and I was just wondering what you men do about that.”

    The lieutenant answers,

    “Well son, that’s a pretty common question out here. The truth is, we all use that camel that’s tied to a post just past the last tent.”

    The soldier is shocked and embarrassed at hearing this! It’s simply unthinkable to him and he decides that he just won’t speak of it again.

    Another couple of weeks pass. The soldier has reevaluated the situation and is now desperate enough to give the camel a try.
    He sneaks down in the middle of the night, pulls a crate up to the back end of the camel, drops his pants and voraciously has his way with it.

    The camel starts loudly shrieking and creating a disturbance, causing the lieutenant to come running out. Upon seeing the soldier, he shouts…

    “No, you idiot! We use the camel to ride it to town!!”

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  16. The real story of the Ten Commandments
    (A Jewish friend of mine told me this story, so I know it’s true…)

    A long time ago God went to the Egyptians and said;
    “Would you like a Commandment?”
    The Egyptians said “We’ve never heard of that. What’s a Commandment?”
    God said “A Commandment is like… thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife”
    So the Egyptians talked it over for a little while and then told God:
    ”No thank you, that would screw up our weekends”

    So God went to the Assyrians and asked them “Would you like a Commandment?”
    The Assyrians said We don’t know what a commandment is. ”What’s a Commandment?”
    So God told them that a Commandment is like – – Thou shalt not steal”
    The Assyrians then talked it over for a bit and told God:
    ”No, that would screw up our economy”

    So then God went to the Jews and said “Would you like a Commandment?”
    The Jews were also curious, but instead of asking what is was, they asked God:
    ”How much does it cost?”
    God said “It’s free!”
    The Jews said “Great!! We’ll take ten!”

    Aaaaaaannd THAT is the real story of how the Ten Commandments came about.

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  17. Jack Carter was a terrific stand-up comedian in the 50’s and 60’s and frequently appeared on the Ed Sullivan show. But I think he once gave to finger to Ed and was never invited back.

    He told this joke on the Sullivan show once: A garbage truck was making it’s rounds one day. They drove past one house, but no garbage was set outside, so they continued on to the next houses on the street. Then, the garbage guys (there were usually two in the back of the truck) saw a lady from the no garbage house chasing them wearing curlers in her hair, dressed in an old pink housecoat, wearing old pink slippers, carrying a bag of garbage. She yelled at them: “Am I too late?” The two garbage guys yelled back, “No, hop right in”.

    When I was a mere lad, I thought that was the funniest joke I’d ever heard.

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  20. Two fags walk into a bar and sit down on stools at the bar. One fag notices the other one is sitting about a foot away from the bar, and says: May I puth your thtool in?

    The other fag says: You thilly queer, can’t you wait till we get home?

  22. Typhoid Mary, a syphilitic midget and a leper walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What will you folks have?” And the leper says, #The usual, Joe”

    So the bartender draws three beers and Mary says, “Well, bottoms up”

    Right then and there Steve Hawking wheels up to the bar and says, “Wait a minute, where’s the punchline?”

    And the midget says, “Seriously? you think a midget with syphilis is funny? What are you, some kind of wise guy?”

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  23. …… Right then, Steve Hawking wheels up to the bar and says, “Where’s the punch line?

    And the leper says, “Where the f*** do you think you are, at a church social? This is a bar. There ain’t no punchline, Genius

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  24. OLD TEN COMMANDMENTS JOKE

    Moses comes down from the mountain with 2 stone tablets which had writing on them And the Children of Israel drew near and asked him. “Well, how did it go?” And Moses said, “I have good news and bad news. First, the good news. I managed to haggle the number of Commandments down from 15 to 10.

    And the Children of Israel asked, “Whats the bad news?” And Moses sighed and said, “He just wouldnt give and inch on the Sixth.”

  27. @Anon

    I think you are correct about the finger, but I think Jack Carter told the joke, but maybe that was Jackie Mason also.

    It was a long time ago and my memory is fading.

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