Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
4
Two guys are walking down the street and come across a Rottweiler vigorously licking his balls. One guy says to the other “I wish I could do that!” other guy says “he’ll bite you!”
4
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dumbass.
Anonymous who?
11
A man painted a church using lots of paint thinner to save money. When it rained…the thinned paint washed off the church.
A voice spoke from above…” Repaint, repaint and thin no more!”
17
Reading a book about anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
5
My friend said “What starts with F and ends with K”
I said “No it doesn’t.”
5
frm san diego county:
.knk, knk!
.who’s there?
.jamul
.jamul who?
.jamul shook up, uh-huh, yeay yeah
A few years ago I was on a business trip and when checking in at the registration desk I told the lady there:
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
She gave me a really disgusted look and said:
“No! It’s normal people porn, you sick, bastard!
10
Did you ever just hear that . . .
JUST happened
Between 3:33 and 3:51
Can’t believe we saw that
it was this
A Southern Gentleman retired style was offered the FANI Lead but turned it down cause it didn’t pay enough and he had a lot of mouths to feed.
She found another taker.
And this was told by this DA Hire named Adam Abbate Fulton County DA Felony Squad
Y C N M T S U P
Who Can?
If Dylan Mulvaney were in Austin Powers, he’d be Carlotta Fauxgina.
2
Here’s one for Shaggy Dog Friday –
A young man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to the big “Everything Under One Roof” department store where he approaches the manager to ask for a job.
The manager asks him: “Do you have any experience?”
The kid says: “Well, yeah, some. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in North Dakota.”
The manager was a little skeptical, but he liked the kid and figured it was worth giving him a shot at it, so he gave him the job saying: “Well look, I’m gonna give you a chance. You start tomorrow. When the day is over and we’re closed up I’ll come down to see how you did”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was closed, the boss came down to the sales floor to see how he had done. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid sort of frowns, looks around then down at the floor and says: “just one”.
The boss says: “Excuse me, did you just say just one, as in one, single customer?
Listen up son, our sales people average 20 – 30 customers a day and you’re telling me you had one?? That will have to change, but quick, if you want to keep working here! One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not down on the farm anymore boy!”
The kid took his beating, and continued looking down at the floor. The boss felt a little guilty for chewing him out on his first day, so he asked the kid, somewhat sarcastically, “I’m afraid to ask, but how much exactly was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up brightly, smiles and says: “$151,237.65”
The boss is dumbfounded and says: “Get the hell outta here! What in the world did you sell for that kind of money?!?”
The kid says: “Well, first I sold this guy some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with them. Then I asked him where he was gonna go fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a good boat. That’s when we went down to the boat department where I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he told me he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so naturally we went down to Automotive where I sold him a 4X4 Expedition.
After taking a moment to think about it, the boss blinked his eyes, rubbed his temples and said:
“Now wait one darn minute here. You’re telling me a guy came in here to buy fish hooks and you wound up selling him a boat AND a damn truck?”
The kid, kind of embarrassed says “Ahhhhhhhh, welllll, nooo, not exactly, umm….
… actually the guy came in here to buy some tampons for his wife.
That’s when I said “Dood, your weekend’s shot, you need to go fishing.”
11
A guy and his girl were driving past a farm. They see a bull mounting a cow.
The guy says “I want to do that”.
His girlfriend says “Go ahead, I’ll wait”.
4
Wife, to husband: Dear, which of your nostrils do you think is best, the left one or the right one?
Husband: Gosh, I don’t know.
Wife: C’mon now, pick one.
5
There once was a farmer from Leeds
Who swallowed six packets of seeds
It soon came to pass, he was covered with grass
An couldn’t sit down [on his A$$] for the weeds
1
Husband said to Wife
Both
The devil’s been arrested – he’s being charged with posession.
1
What did the Chinese custodian say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
6
What is the pirate alphabet?
Rrrrrrrrrrr.
Fresh off the internet, a pretty good limerick.
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Said “Humping is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
and a sheep is divine:
but a llama is ‘numero uno'”.
3
Did you hear about the new bird disease?
It’s called “Chirpies”.
Yea, it’s a canarial disease.
No tweetment.
4
What do IRS Auditors use for birth control?
Their personalities.
2
What’s a queer’s favorite menu item at a Chinese restaurant?
Sum Yung Gi.
Didja hear about the man from Boston?
Who liked driving his little Austin.
There was room for his ass and a tankful of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost ’em!
5
Most people say they go to the bathroom to take a crap.
But I go to the bathroom to leave one.
3
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.
2
True, and funny
When Micky Mantle heard how many singles Pete Rose got in his career, he said: If I’d gotten that many singles, I’d have worn a dress.
This has got to be a joke, I bought a footlong sandwich from Subway today for $7.99 with a coupon. I ate half of it for lunch and the other half I’m saving for tomorrow. I just noticed when I opened my fridge that the Subway wrapper had a disclaimer on it in big bold green capital letters that reads do not eat this wrapper. I had to laugh, are there some morons out there who are really that stupid. Tell me this isn’t a joke. Has anyone else noticed this, this is just plain weird that Subway has to notify their customers not to eat the wrapper. And if some dumbass did, they’d probably sue Subway. Good grief, make it stop!
2
geoff – we used to laugh about that with those silica gel drying packs printed with “DO NOT EAT” on them!
Almost certainly someone has tried!!
2
Joe Biden got 81 million votes!
3
^^^^remove this asshat.
2
Mitch McConnell’s favorite 1960’s Rock Band: The Turtles.
Why don’t sharks eat clowns?
They taste funny.
Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Two guys are walking down the street and come across a Rottweiler vigorously licking his balls. One guy says to the other “I wish I could do that!” other guy says “he’ll bite you!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dumbass.
Anonymous who?
A man painted a church using lots of paint thinner to save money. When it rained…the thinned paint washed off the church.
A voice spoke from above…” Repaint, repaint and thin no more!”
Reading a book about anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
My friend said “What starts with F and ends with K”
I said “No it doesn’t.”
frm san diego county:
.knk, knk!
.who’s there?
.jamul
.jamul who?
.jamul shook up, uh-huh, yeay yeah
A few years ago I was on a business trip and when checking in at the registration desk I told the lady there:
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
She gave me a really disgusted look and said:
“No! It’s normal people porn, you sick, bastard!
Did you ever just hear that . . .
JUST happened
Between 3:33 and 3:51
Can’t believe we saw that
it was this
A Southern Gentleman retired style was offered the FANI Lead but turned it down cause it didn’t pay enough and he had a lot of mouths to feed.
She found another taker.
And this was told by this DA Hire named Adam Abbate Fulton County DA Felony Squad
Y C N M T S U P
Who Can?
If Dylan Mulvaney were in Austin Powers, he’d be Carlotta Fauxgina.
Here’s one for Shaggy Dog Friday –
A young man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to the big “Everything Under One Roof” department store where he approaches the manager to ask for a job.
The manager asks him: “Do you have any experience?”
The kid says: “Well, yeah, some. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in North Dakota.”
The manager was a little skeptical, but he liked the kid and figured it was worth giving him a shot at it, so he gave him the job saying: “Well look, I’m gonna give you a chance. You start tomorrow. When the day is over and we’re closed up I’ll come down to see how you did”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was closed, the boss came down to the sales floor to see how he had done. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid sort of frowns, looks around then down at the floor and says: “just one”.
The boss says: “Excuse me, did you just say just one, as in one, single customer?
Listen up son, our sales people average 20 – 30 customers a day and you’re telling me you had one?? That will have to change, but quick, if you want to keep working here! One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not down on the farm anymore boy!”
The kid took his beating, and continued looking down at the floor. The boss felt a little guilty for chewing him out on his first day, so he asked the kid, somewhat sarcastically, “I’m afraid to ask, but how much exactly was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up brightly, smiles and says: “$151,237.65”
The boss is dumbfounded and says: “Get the hell outta here! What in the world did you sell for that kind of money?!?”
The kid says: “Well, first I sold this guy some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with them. Then I asked him where he was gonna go fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a good boat. That’s when we went down to the boat department where I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he told me he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so naturally we went down to Automotive where I sold him a 4X4 Expedition.
After taking a moment to think about it, the boss blinked his eyes, rubbed his temples and said:
“Now wait one darn minute here. You’re telling me a guy came in here to buy fish hooks and you wound up selling him a boat AND a damn truck?”
The kid, kind of embarrassed says “Ahhhhhhhh, welllll, nooo, not exactly, umm….
… actually the guy came in here to buy some tampons for his wife.
That’s when I said “Dood, your weekend’s shot, you need to go fishing.”
A guy and his girl were driving past a farm. They see a bull mounting a cow.
The guy says “I want to do that”.
His girlfriend says “Go ahead, I’ll wait”.
Wife, to husband: Dear, which of your nostrils do you think is best, the left one or the right one?
Husband: Gosh, I don’t know.
Wife: C’mon now, pick one.
There once was a farmer from Leeds
Who swallowed six packets of seeds
It soon came to pass, he was covered with grass
An couldn’t sit down [on his A$$] for the weeds
Husband said to Wife
Both
The devil’s been arrested – he’s being charged with posession.
What did the Chinese custodian say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
What is the pirate alphabet?
Rrrrrrrrrrr.
Fresh off the internet, a pretty good limerick.
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Said “Humping is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
and a sheep is divine:
but a llama is ‘numero uno'”.
Did you hear about the new bird disease?
It’s called “Chirpies”.
Yea, it’s a canarial disease.
No tweetment.
What do IRS Auditors use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What’s a queer’s favorite menu item at a Chinese restaurant?
Sum Yung Gi.
Didja hear about the man from Boston?
Who liked driving his little Austin.
There was room for his ass and a tankful of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost ’em!
Most people say they go to the bathroom to take a crap.
But I go to the bathroom to leave one.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.
True, and funny
When Micky Mantle heard how many singles Pete Rose got in his career, he said: If I’d gotten that many singles, I’d have worn a dress.
This has got to be a joke, I bought a footlong sandwich from Subway today for $7.99 with a coupon. I ate half of it for lunch and the other half I’m saving for tomorrow. I just noticed when I opened my fridge that the Subway wrapper had a disclaimer on it in big bold green capital letters that reads do not eat this wrapper. I had to laugh, are there some morons out there who are really that stupid. Tell me this isn’t a joke. Has anyone else noticed this, this is just plain weird that Subway has to notify their customers not to eat the wrapper. And if some dumbass did, they’d probably sue Subway. Good grief, make it stop!
geoff – we used to laugh about that with those silica gel drying packs printed with “DO NOT EAT” on them!
Almost certainly someone has tried!!
Joe Biden got 81 million votes!
^^^^remove this asshat.
Mitch McConnell’s favorite 1960’s Rock Band: The Turtles.