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Happy Friday!
43 Comments on Bad! Joke! Friday!
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what do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call an anorexic cow with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Q. What do you call a cow with brain damage?
A. Madam Vice President
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner was filing a fraudulent return and maybe wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an IRS auditor to investigate.
IRS Auditor: “I need a list of your employees and how much you compensate them in wages and other compensation.”
Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 16 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, and pays his own room and board. I do buy him a bottle of Tequila and a 12 pack of Dos Equis every Saturday night so he can cope with his life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
IRS Auditor: “Get him for me, I want to talk to him.”
Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?”
Uncle Al, that was a real mooving joke. And shouldn’t that be dain bramage or is that joey who is the one who has dain bramage.
@geoff — Hey, now! I’m the one telling the joke, she IS the joke! 😉
“Our SUN Movies BEEF Tone HI. . .”
Something like that, checking
And hopefully the joke will be on her and tampon Timmy come Nov. 5th, and she loses in as big a landslide as when Reagon beat Mondale in 84, or when Nixon shellacked McGovern in 72.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
It’s because they lactose.
What do you get from a miniature cow?
Condensed milk.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten. Ten tickles.
I was gonna tell a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t laugh at the punchline.
What kind of affliction is it when a bull has trouble urinating?
Drain Bamage.
Why didn’t she do it?
https://rumble.com/v5b3z0l.html
She’s in now.
-Illister
It’s a good thing that those ten tickles weren’t 2 test tickles.
Tim Buktu, that joke should be a urine eight on a 1-10 scale.
Dang 🙂 !!!
Not a typo, a oops.
Try Try Again:
https:/rumble.com/v5b3z0l-why-didnt-she-do-it.html
Good Times, Roll
My uncle’s grammar was so bad they took him to jail for a very long sentence.
So I asked my wife the other day whether I was the only one she’d ever had.
She said yes, all the others were nines or tens.
Yes, pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but there would be no point.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I’ve never paid 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face…
I told the doctor I cannot hear in my left ear.
He asked if I was sure?
I said “deafinitley”
What happens at the Gay League Football Games
the male cheerleaders yell:
PUSH IT BACK, PUSH IT BACK, WAY BACK!
ONE TWO THREE, WHO YA GONNA REAM?
FIVE SIX SEVEN, BUTTHOLES ARE HEAVEN!
Play by play announcer: Well, there seems to be a delay on the field…the QB and center for the NY Velvet appear to be stuck together and unable to separate…it’s OK, we see it all the time, right Dan?
Dan: You bet we do, Bob. These guys really love each other. It’s so sweet to see.
Recycling this one:
What does a surfing cow yell out when she rides in on a big wave?
MANABUNGA.
What do you get from a ghost cow?
Evaporated Milk.
If you would like me to tell you how I preserve my jellies and jams – I can.
I just got pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record.
Apparantly “Roxanne” was not the answer he wanted to hear.
https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4b2332ca-fb87-4877-b0a2-b401886335b1_928x692.png
Trust me. Don’t ask where they get Cheez Whiz from.
Gee whiz, Uncle Al! Why not?
Where did they get Cheez Whiz?
geoff – Tim Buktu, that joke should be a urine eight on a 1-10 scale.
Reminds me of the Little Johnny joke where the 5th grad teacher tells her students to think of a three sylable word tonight and how you would use it in a sentence. Then tomorrow you can tell the class.
So the next day, when it came time for everybody to tell their word and how they would use it in a sentence, little Johnny raised his hand and was straining at the bit to tell his, but Miss Crabtree, knowing Little Johnny, put him off until last.
So first Miss Crabtree called on Sally. “What is your word and how would you use it in a sentence?”
Sally: “My word is Smart” “Oh Miss Crabtree you are so smart”
Then Miss Crabtree called on Davy. “Davy, what is your word and how would you use it in a sentence?”
Davy: “My word is beautiful.” “Oh Miss Crabtree you are so beautiful”
On it went like that with the rest of the class, mostly complimentary to Miss Crabtree.
Then finally it was Little Johnny’s turn. “Ok Johnny, what is your word and how would you use it in a sentence?”
Johnny stands up and says “My word is urinate!”
Miss Crabtree puts her hand on her forehead, covers her eyes and thinks “Oh Lord, what’s coming next!”
Little Johnny says: “My word is urinate” “Oh Miss Crabtree, urinate… and if ya had bigger tits you’d be a TEN!”
Some archologists were digging at an ancient Greek crypt.
They found a 6-inch long object that they could not identify. So they sent it to a lab to have it analyzed.
The result came in the next week, in an alliterate kind of way: Some cretin crept into the crypt and crapped.
I was just wondering. How did the man who made the first clock know what time it was?
Little Johnny joke.
The teacher Ms. Crabtree asked the children to come up with a short 2-line poem. All the kids came up with a poem except Johnny who spent the time looking out the window, making rude sounds, and tossing spitballs at the other kids. Finally Ms. Crabtree, exasperated, sent Little Johnny out to the hall told him to stand there till he came up with a poem.
Ten minutes later Johnny comes back in and claims he had a poem. Ms. Crabtree, aware of Johnny’s dirty mind says: OK Johnny, but whisper to me before telling the class.
Johnny whispers in her ear: When I was standing in the Hall, I saw a cockroach climb up the wall. Ms. Crabtree was impressed but told Johnny to leave out the “cock” because that was not a nice word. Then she tells Johnny to tell his poem to the class.
Johnny turns to the class and says: “When I was standing in the Hall, I saw a roach climb up the wall, with his cock out.”
Here’s one you can tell the little ones… if they are over eight they may think it is lame…
What did the snail say when it slithered on top of the turtle?
“WHEEEEEE!”
Little Johnny jokes rule. I wonder if they wouldn’t be Calvin jokes now.
@Claudia – he looked at his watch.
He must’ve had a small sundial.
I have a pic I took of a Sundial located at an old European vineyard. It’s an incredible picture and I hope to share it with you all someday. Looking for a way. Maybe a Stick.
Anyways, the picture is double cool because on looking at it again recently, I realized I could read it. Also, I could deduce, roughly, where it was located.
PS: This Sundial told the Time at another place.
If not earlier, it WILL be in “The Great 55”.
Cleaning out his closet, a man finds a claim ticket for a pair of shoes in a coat pocket. He left the shoes at the cobbler’s ten years ago but he figures, “What the heck, I’ll see if he still has them.”.
He goes to the cobbler’s and hands the owner the ticket. The owner looks at it and says, “Oh yes, they’ll be ready next Friday.”.
As the ship began to take on water in the middle of the ocean, it looked like the passengers were doomed as there weren’t enough lifeboats for all of them.
As the water rose higher and higher, somebody asked if anyone knew a prayer that would help give them some comfort.
A man steps forward and says, “I lived next to a church. I think I can do it.”. He bows his head and in a clear voice starts.
“B 23, I 15, N 9, G 31, O 18.”
He was promptly thrown overboard.
BINGO! He must’ve been a Catholic.
Two gentlemen are watching the Wright brothers fly one of their first planes. One remarks “what will we discover and build next? I simply cannot believe my eyes. What are you thinking about?”
His friend replies….
“Who is fixing my bicycle?”
Joey Biden got 81 million votes!
Yep. The joke’s on us.