Sign in a parking lot by a pond: “Frog parking only” (all others will be toad)!
12
Mooooochelle Obama for president. How’s that for a bad joke?
10
NOT MEANT TO BE A JOKE BUT COULD BE:
I WAS SPEAKING WITH MY ELDERLY MOM ON THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY, DURING WHICH SH MENTIONED ” I CALLED THE MORTUARY THE OTHER DAY”…I ASKED “WHY DID YOU CALL THE MORTUARY?”, TO WHICH SHE REPLIED “I WANTED THEM TO TELL ME WHEN I’M SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP”
6
My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that!
5
This is my stepladder, I never knew my real ladder!
10
Texas trooper – “You got any ID?”
Bubba – “Idee about what?”
10
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business waiting for it to turn Green when a carload of bearded, loud Muslims, with a half- burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan, spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled anti-American slogans, shouted “Allahu Akbar!” and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came through the intersection and ran into their car killing everyone in it.
For a minute I just sat there thinking to myself, “Holy shit! That could have been me !”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
32
A middle age guy bought a new Corvette and wanted to see what it could do on the interstate on the way home, he blew past a state trooper doing about 140 and sped up some. After a minute he realized he was being stupid and pulled over and put on his hazard lights. Once the trooper caught up he went up to the car and told the man “you pulled over on your own, look like a mostly upstanding person, and I’m getting off a long shift. Give me any logical excuse for you driving like that and I’ll let you go so I don’t have to do the paperwork.” Middle age guy thinks for a minute and says “My ex wife ran off with a state trooper”, The trooper Says “how does that excuse your speeding” Driver “I thought you were trying to bring her back” Trooper “Slow down and have a nice afternoon”
18
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?!’
23
Just to be inclusive, one of my favorite Jewish jokes –
Since it was a beautiful day, Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park where he sat down on a bench and began eating.
A blind man, with the white cane and red tip, came tap, tap tapping by and sat down on the bench next to him where upon they struck up a friendly conversation. Moishe, feeling in a sharing mood, gave the blind man some of his unleavened matzo bread.
The blind man started feeling it to figure out what exactly he was holding. He felt the Matzo on one side for a few moments, then turned it over and felt the other side.
Finally he just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, turned to Moishe and exclaimed:
“who wrote this shit?”
8
“Mooooochelle Obama for president. How’s that for a bad joke?”
It’s really bad. It’s so bad that the only thing worse would be if someone uttered the phrase, “President Michelle Obama.”
3
Joe Biden got 81 million votes!
6
You take a right turn on a busy highway. You are on a short entry lane, and you see four successive signs on the side of the highway:
Soft Shoulders
Dangerous Curves
Merge
Watch For Children
4
Here is one I may have posted here before, but it’s worth a re-run.
Two young Germans, Tad Pohl and Polly Wogge decided to emigrate to France. They wanted to grow up and become Frogs.
4
“We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, am doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, We am now qualified to do everything with nothing.”
Signed,
The American Taxpayers under Biden
4
@ 2:49: i don’t answer to negro trans-its
1
People may think that Yoseph B. is way too old to defecate, but what we CAN tell you, is that he never flushes the toilet … He just takes a seat, automatically drops a loaf and immediately scares the s**t out of it.
1
Nun jokes, in honor of my late ex Catholic wife who loved nun jokes. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic. Why did the nun get kicked out? Because she had a filthy habit. What do you call a naked nun? Out of habit. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A tran-sister. And finally, the best for last. 3 nuns who had recently died and were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter who asked them 3 questions (one question each) in order to get into heaven. At the pearly gates there was a collection of lights and bells. He asked the 1st nun a question in order to get into heaven. What were the 2 names in the garden of Eden? She replied “Adam and Eve” and was allowed to enter into heaven with all the lights flashing and bells ringing. Then to 2nd nun he asked. What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree? She answered, “an apple” and she was allowed to enter into heaven as well. And finally, he asked the 3rd nun a difficult question. What was the 1st thing Eve said to Adam? After a few minutes thinking about it, she said “Gosh, that’s a hard one” and she too entered into heaven with all the lights flashing and bells ringing.
7
Yesterday, my girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…. so I got drunk.
4
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
3
While I was watching my Dog so deeply amused at happily chasing his tail over and over, I thought about how stupid Dogs are at being so easily amused…Then, I realized I was watching my Dog happily chasing his tail over and over.
4
If your car is running I’m voting for it!
2
I went to Chips Ahoy.com and it asked if I would accept cookies. I said. “YES!” They haven’t sent shit.
6
I want to grow my own food but I can’t find Bacon Seeds!
4
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
3
geoff – What were the first words Adam said to Eve?
“Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing is gonna get!”
2
I was feeling rather low the other day and so I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic and I turned myself around!
4
Why are there Pop Tarts, but no Mom Tarts…
Blame it on the pastryarchy.
2
Does that make those little hard candies Sweet Tarts gay.
2
My vacuum is nothing but a dust collector.
4
Two windmills were talking about music. One said to the other, “I’m a big metal fan.”
8
My first Thesaurus was horrible. One could even say it was horrible.
5
Whut did the Vacuum say to the Fan?
“You blow!”
Whut did the Fan say back to the Vacuum?
“You suck!”
5
My pet peeve, is I hate folks with pet peeves.
Also,Private Post, do not read.
2
Iz a pet peeve anything like a Nauga?
3
I wrote a book on reverse psychology. DO NOT BUY IT!
5
Didja hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: Transcend dental medication.
6
what’s the difference between a hoover and a harley?
the hoover only holds 1 dirtbag
3
I thought that nauga’s were where Naugahyde came from.
1
a pope-dude complains about the size of the heavenly doghouse he lives in, as compared to the palatial mansion some young dude lives in. by way of explanation, pete says there have been a few popes up here, but the guy in that mansion is the first lawyer.
2
Liberally – spreading the same old tired bullsh*t all over the place in enormous quantities. See also Lamestream Media.
Abby Hoffman wrote a book titled “Steal This Book”.
He wrote a second book titled “Return This Book”.
A young man and his blond girlfriend were laying out on a nude beach. The man got badly sunburned on his whanger.
Later in the evening, they had sex. After that the guy poured himself a glass of milk and stuck his whanger in it to relieve the pain.
His blond girlfriend saw him and said, “So that’s how guys reload those things!”
1
A guy took his new blond girlfriend to his apartment and they were sitting on the couch talking. The guy started telling her about a legal case he was involved in, and said to her: Can I show you my subpoena?.
She slapped him in the face and walked out.
Grim Reaper FRIDAY, 19 JANUARY 2024, 16:10 AT 4:10 PM
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
Sign in a parking lot by a pond: “Frog parking only” (all others will be toad)!
Mooooochelle Obama for president. How’s that for a bad joke?
NOT MEANT TO BE A JOKE BUT COULD BE:
I WAS SPEAKING WITH MY ELDERLY MOM ON THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY, DURING WHICH SH MENTIONED ” I CALLED THE MORTUARY THE OTHER DAY”…I ASKED “WHY DID YOU CALL THE MORTUARY?”, TO WHICH SHE REPLIED “I WANTED THEM TO TELL ME WHEN I’M SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP”
My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that!
This is my stepladder, I never knew my real ladder!
Texas trooper – “You got any ID?”
Bubba – “Idee about what?”
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business waiting for it to turn Green when a carload of bearded, loud Muslims, with a half- burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan, spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled anti-American slogans, shouted “Allahu Akbar!” and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came through the intersection and ran into their car killing everyone in it.
For a minute I just sat there thinking to myself, “Holy shit! That could have been me !”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
A middle age guy bought a new Corvette and wanted to see what it could do on the interstate on the way home, he blew past a state trooper doing about 140 and sped up some. After a minute he realized he was being stupid and pulled over and put on his hazard lights. Once the trooper caught up he went up to the car and told the man “you pulled over on your own, look like a mostly upstanding person, and I’m getting off a long shift. Give me any logical excuse for you driving like that and I’ll let you go so I don’t have to do the paperwork.” Middle age guy thinks for a minute and says “My ex wife ran off with a state trooper”, The trooper Says “how does that excuse your speeding” Driver “I thought you were trying to bring her back” Trooper “Slow down and have a nice afternoon”
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?!’
Just to be inclusive, one of my favorite Jewish jokes –
Since it was a beautiful day, Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park where he sat down on a bench and began eating.
A blind man, with the white cane and red tip, came tap, tap tapping by and sat down on the bench next to him where upon they struck up a friendly conversation. Moishe, feeling in a sharing mood, gave the blind man some of his unleavened matzo bread.
The blind man started feeling it to figure out what exactly he was holding. He felt the Matzo on one side for a few moments, then turned it over and felt the other side.
Finally he just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, turned to Moishe and exclaimed:
“who wrote this shit?”
“Mooooochelle Obama for president. How’s that for a bad joke?”
It’s really bad. It’s so bad that the only thing worse would be if someone uttered the phrase, “President Michelle Obama.”
Joe Biden got 81 million votes!
You take a right turn on a busy highway. You are on a short entry lane, and you see four successive signs on the side of the highway:
Soft Shoulders
Dangerous Curves
Merge
Watch For Children
Here is one I may have posted here before, but it’s worth a re-run.
Two young Germans, Tad Pohl and Polly Wogge decided to emigrate to France. They wanted to grow up and become Frogs.
“We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, am doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, We am now qualified to do everything with nothing.”
Signed,
The American Taxpayers under Biden
@ 2:49: i don’t answer to negro trans-its
People may think that Yoseph B. is way too old to defecate, but what we CAN tell you, is that he never flushes the toilet … He just takes a seat, automatically drops a loaf and immediately scares the s**t out of it.
Nun jokes, in honor of my late ex Catholic wife who loved nun jokes. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic. Why did the nun get kicked out? Because she had a filthy habit. What do you call a naked nun? Out of habit. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A tran-sister. And finally, the best for last. 3 nuns who had recently died and were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter who asked them 3 questions (one question each) in order to get into heaven. At the pearly gates there was a collection of lights and bells. He asked the 1st nun a question in order to get into heaven. What were the 2 names in the garden of Eden? She replied “Adam and Eve” and was allowed to enter into heaven with all the lights flashing and bells ringing. Then to 2nd nun he asked. What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree? She answered, “an apple” and she was allowed to enter into heaven as well. And finally, he asked the 3rd nun a difficult question. What was the 1st thing Eve said to Adam? After a few minutes thinking about it, she said “Gosh, that’s a hard one” and she too entered into heaven with all the lights flashing and bells ringing.
Yesterday, my girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…. so I got drunk.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
While I was watching my Dog so deeply amused at happily chasing his tail over and over, I thought about how stupid Dogs are at being so easily amused…Then, I realized I was watching my Dog happily chasing his tail over and over.
If your car is running I’m voting for it!
I went to Chips Ahoy.com and it asked if I would accept cookies. I said. “YES!” They haven’t sent shit.
I want to grow my own food but I can’t find Bacon Seeds!
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
geoff – What were the first words Adam said to Eve?
“Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing is gonna get!”
I was feeling rather low the other day and so I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic and I turned myself around!
Why are there Pop Tarts, but no Mom Tarts…
Blame it on the pastryarchy.
Does that make those little hard candies Sweet Tarts gay.
My vacuum is nothing but a dust collector.
Two windmills were talking about music. One said to the other, “I’m a big metal fan.”
My first Thesaurus was horrible. One could even say it was horrible.
Whut did the Vacuum say to the Fan?
“You blow!”
Whut did the Fan say back to the Vacuum?
“You suck!”
My pet peeve, is I hate folks with pet peeves.
Also,Private Post, do not read.
Iz a pet peeve anything like a Nauga?
I wrote a book on reverse psychology. DO NOT BUY IT!
Didja hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: Transcend dental medication.
what’s the difference between a hoover and a harley?
the hoover only holds 1 dirtbag
I thought that nauga’s were where Naugahyde came from.
a pope-dude complains about the size of the heavenly doghouse he lives in, as compared to the palatial mansion some young dude lives in. by way of explanation, pete says there have been a few popes up here, but the guy in that mansion is the first lawyer.
Liberally – spreading the same old tired bullsh*t all over the place in enormous quantities. See also Lamestream Media.
Abby Hoffman wrote a book titled “Steal This Book”.
He wrote a second book titled “Return This Book”.
A young man and his blond girlfriend were laying out on a nude beach. The man got badly sunburned on his whanger.
Later in the evening, they had sex. After that the guy poured himself a glass of milk and stuck his whanger in it to relieve the pain.
His blond girlfriend saw him and said, “So that’s how guys reload those things!”
A guy took his new blond girlfriend to his apartment and they were sitting on the couch talking. The guy started telling her about a legal case he was involved in, and said to her: Can I show you my subpoena?.
She slapped him in the face and walked out.
Grim Reaper FRIDAY, 19 JANUARY 2024, 16:10 AT 4:10 PM
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
Mittens said I got seven left.
What is the Jolly Green Giant’s biggest fear?
Avocado pickers.