He tells the bartender, “I’ve got a talking dog here, and I’ll make him talk to you if you’ll give me a beer.”
The bartender says, “Yeah, Mac. Sure. But first, the dog’s gotta talk. THEN you get your beer.”
So the man looks at his dog and asks, “What does a cat’s tongue feel like?”
The dog says, “Rrrruffff!”
Then the man asks the dog, “What do you call the top of a house?”
“Rrrroooffff!” answers the dog.
“OK, boy, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Rrrroooth!” comes the reply.
“Get outa here, you faker! That dog can’t talk, and you don’t get any free beer!”
As the man shuffles sadly down the street, the dog looks up and says, “Maybe I shoulda said Gehrig?”
9
A man on a train confided to his seatmate, “I just got out of prison this morning. It’s going to be tough facing old friends.” “I sympathize with you.” the other man said. I’m heading home from Congress.”
6
A boy asked his father, “what do pro and con mean?” “Well son,” the father replied, “pro is your brilliant unanswerable argument, and con is the other persons stupid drivel.”
1
Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?
He’s an excellent parallel Parker.
9
@Claudia — Thank you for a lovely pun!
4
A priest, a reverend, and a rabbit go to the Red Cross to give blood. The rabbit says I’m a type O.
7
A man was admitted into the hospital because he swallowed 8 plastic horses. His condition is now stable.
5
When cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
When cannibals ate a Uncle Bosie, they got a taste of Irish bullshit.
1
And drunk as a skunk from Uncle Bosie’s elevated blood alcohol level.
1
Truism on a signboard on my way to breakfast this morning at a local diner: “Life is sexually transmitted”, made me laugh.
3
True story:
As a test of endurance, Andre the Giant made a rude bathroom noise while someone timed it.
13 seconds
2
A house of ill repute was audited. The madame of the house was asked for a list of assets.
She provided the names of 46 ladies.
2
Stupid Headlines from MSN (my comments underneath each one)
Tori Spelling Reveals the Decorative Way She Repurposed Her Breast Implants
-Very creative, to say the least
Ellen DeGeneres says she moved to the UK because of Donald Trump: Life if Just Better Here.
-She loves Muslims and shares her house with them
Berenice Bejo in conversation.
-Who? What?
The coming ice age and its Impact 50,000 Years.
-Better get ready.
While such [Orca] attacks are rare in the Basque Country…
-I thought Orcas stay in the water. Maybe they have “evolved”
Egyptians knew about the Milky Way
-All they had to do was look up.
2
Law Firm names:
Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe (From a Three Stooges short)
Bull & Dyke LLP
Sweeny Todd Law Firm
Barkmore and Wagless, Attorneys at Law
Will Getchu, Attorney
Isuyu and Ramyu Law Firm
1
Ben Dover could also be a clever lawyers name as well.
1
British lawyers:
Dickie and Bumstead
Cocke and Twatman
Assman and Orifish
Danish Lawyer:
Knude Bahr
Jorgan Middlefart, Advocate. (Middlefart is a real place in Denmark)
May I have a $4 raise?
A man and a dog walk into a bar.
He tells the bartender, “I’ve got a talking dog here, and I’ll make him talk to you if you’ll give me a beer.”
The bartender says, “Yeah, Mac. Sure. But first, the dog’s gotta talk. THEN you get your beer.”
So the man looks at his dog and asks, “What does a cat’s tongue feel like?”
The dog says, “Rrrruffff!”
Then the man asks the dog, “What do you call the top of a house?”
“Rrrroooffff!” answers the dog.
“OK, boy, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Rrrroooth!” comes the reply.
“Get outa here, you faker! That dog can’t talk, and you don’t get any free beer!”
As the man shuffles sadly down the street, the dog looks up and says, “Maybe I shoulda said Gehrig?”
A man on a train confided to his seatmate, “I just got out of prison this morning. It’s going to be tough facing old friends.” “I sympathize with you.” the other man said. I’m heading home from Congress.”
A boy asked his father, “what do pro and con mean?” “Well son,” the father replied, “pro is your brilliant unanswerable argument, and con is the other persons stupid drivel.”
Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?
He’s an excellent parallel Parker.
@Claudia — Thank you for a lovely pun!
A priest, a reverend, and a rabbit go to the Red Cross to give blood. The rabbit says I’m a type O.
A man was admitted into the hospital because he swallowed 8 plastic horses. His condition is now stable.
When cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
When cannibals ate a Uncle Bosie, they got a taste of Irish bullshit.
And drunk as a skunk from Uncle Bosie’s elevated blood alcohol level.
Truism on a signboard on my way to breakfast this morning at a local diner: “Life is sexually transmitted”, made me laugh.
True story:
As a test of endurance, Andre the Giant made a rude bathroom noise while someone timed it.
13 seconds
A house of ill repute was audited. The madame of the house was asked for a list of assets.
She provided the names of 46 ladies.
Stupid Headlines from MSN (my comments underneath each one)
Tori Spelling Reveals the Decorative Way She Repurposed Her Breast Implants
-Very creative, to say the least
Ellen DeGeneres says she moved to the UK because of Donald Trump: Life if Just Better Here.
-She loves Muslims and shares her house with them
Berenice Bejo in conversation.
-Who? What?
The coming ice age and its Impact 50,000 Years.
-Better get ready.
While such [Orca] attacks are rare in the Basque Country…
-I thought Orcas stay in the water. Maybe they have “evolved”
Egyptians knew about the Milky Way
-All they had to do was look up.
Law Firm names:
Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe (From a Three Stooges short)
Bull & Dyke LLP
Sweeny Todd Law Firm
Barkmore and Wagless, Attorneys at Law
Will Getchu, Attorney
Isuyu and Ramyu Law Firm
Ben Dover could also be a clever lawyers name as well.
British lawyers:
Dickie and Bumstead
Cocke and Twatman
Assman and Orifish
Danish Lawyer:
Knude Bahr
Jorgan Middlefart, Advocate. (Middlefart is a real place in Denmark)
OK. A bit dirty, I should think.
Sign seen at an anti-gay rally:
FAGS SUCK