NBC Network Stars War of the Stomachs – Results of the interviews are in and the hypothesis has been tested.
Interview – David and Liz (Cheese Team):
David Muir: Nothing came out worth mentioning. And, for the first time in my life, I have a clean toilet.
Liz Cho: Being a little Asian woman, my dungs are usually itty-bitty things, and for the last six days, they have been totally miniscule.
Interview – George and Ginger (Bean Team):
George Stephanopolous: Holy Crap, I dumped out a monster…it was a lot bigger than me!
Ginger Zee: Y’know what, my toilet cracked and broke under the strain – there was just way, way too much. Thanks a lot!
Interview – Robin and Alex (Cheese and Bean Team):
Robin Roberts: I sat and tried to go real bad, but something blocked it and I only pooted. I’m so broken-hearted.
Alex Perez: I ate so much beans and cheese my stomach swelled to twice its size, but I can’t get rid of the stuff, even after swallowing 8 ex-lax tablets.
Interview – Michael and Layla (No Beans, No Cheese, No Anything Team):
Michael Strahan: I’m starving…I’m not a slave, y’know…GIVE ME SOME CHEESE AND BEANS.
Layla Anastasia: I’m OK, I lost 20 pounds. I didn’t have go to the bathroom even once. Nothing in, nothing out. I’m sticking with this diet.
As predicted by food consultants, there was no winner because the bean and cheese diets cancelled out each others’ effects.
The test was Qualitative, relying on individual test takers’ observations, perceptions, and judgments. Next time, it will be a more scientific, Quantitative test, relying on statistical and mathematical analysis to determine the winner based on measured output.
MSN Dopety-dope Headlines
False Facts about Star Trek You Always Thought Were True
-Was there even one true fact about Star Trek that an intelligent person believed? Just one?
What Betty White Taught Ryan Reynolds About Life, Love, and Laughter.
-They drank. They laughed. Then, they did something. Betty said later: Hot Damn, I taught that boy some things he never even heard about…I turned a boy into a man.
A Sweatshirt You Won’t Want to Take Off All Winter Long (Advert)
-Wouldn’t it really stink by March 1st?
Enjoy An Ice Cream Rainbow Buffet And we’ll Reveal Which “My Little Pony” Character You Are.
-MSN headline-writing silly faggies are at it again
Woman Teaches Pig to Roll Over for Tummy Rubs and the Internet Can’t Get Enough
-my wife insists I’m a pig but I never get tummy rubs.
Trump Rejects Nazi Comparison
-But, but, the communists/liberals/leftists/perverts/deviants and most of the crooked media say he’s a Nazi. Who ya’ gonna believe?
The History of Valerie Bertinelli’s Complicated Love Life
-Slightly more interesting than the book titled The Secret Life of Crabgrass.
Notre Dame Is in the College Football Playoff, Deal With It
-I don’t feel like dealing with it, whatever it is.
Scientists find a giant missing blob of water in the Atlantic
-I don’t know how water can form into a blob, let alone a missing one, which has now been found.
Martha Stewart, 84, Rocks Skinny Leather Pants With a Polarizing Shoe Choice
-That old lady ought to go Rock in Rocking Chair
Billie Eilish’s Blunt Message to Elon Musk Signals A Shift In How We See Billionaires.
-Billie Eilish is ass-hole.
Didja hear about the All-Female Bar?
It’s called the Les. B. Inn.
1
What did the dice say after smoking some weed?
We’re loaded.
1
What was on the flip side of CCR’s Hit, Who’ll Stop The Rain?
Who’ll Cut The Cheese?
1
A hit from a group called the Cutting Crew
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
Imagine how the girl reacted:
OMIGOD, you’re not breathing….OMIGOD you’re dead….(sounds of screaming).
Continuing saga of Stephen Hawking’s Last Oyster.
Before long, me and my sardine friends heard a bunch of loud urps and one great big burp. The next thing we knew, we were being forced back up Stephen’s esophagus at supersonic speed. Back up through the switchbacks to his throat, and into his mouth.
After that, we heard sounds of squeaky wheels quickly turning on a floor, and the next instant, we were all dumped into another basin, a big white thing that first had clean water, but which soon turned a horrible yellow and green color. At this point, my sardine friends were still with me.
I looked up at Stephen, whose head was crooked and bowed over and close to us. He was coughing quite violently. Then, I noticed him falling back, hand on his chest. His eyeballs were going round and round and finally got stuck at the top of his eye sockets. I think he fell back and hit the wall, but just before that, we heard the sound of water moving around us. In what I suspect was his last act, Stephen did something to make us all go away. Well, we were all swirling around this basin for a few seconds, then we entered a big tube and slid down that. After a few more minutes we were dumped into a huge sort of metal tank. We were forced around by a large paddle in a clockwise direction. Then I got smacked in the face by a partly rolled up rubber thing. INSULTED AGAIN!
To be continued….
Sofa King
1
Q: What do you do when someone hates you for no reason?
A: Give him a reason.
4
Why did the crow set on the phone line?
He needed to make a long distance caw.
9
A Communist, a muslime and an anti-Semite walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What can I get you Mayor Mamdani?
6
i m sofa king we todd it
12 year olds love this one because they can get away with saying sofa king in front of the adults.
1
Tim Buktu – reminds me of this one –
It was April the forty-first
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop
So I was in a rented Stingray
And it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell Station
They said I’d blown a seal
I said, “Fix the damned thing
And leave my private life out of it
Okay pal?”
While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said “Hi Gil”
You have to yell, he’s hard of herring
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream
Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is he was barely keeping his head below water
I bellied up to the sandbar
He poured me the usual
See pop shows near Cleveland
Get tickets as low as $103
You might also like
BAND4BAND
Central Cee & Lil Baby
THE HEART PART 6
Drake
She Knows
J. Cole & Cults
Rusty snail, hold the grunion
Shaken not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side
Heavy on the mako
I slipped him a fin
On porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry’s squids
For the halibut
Well the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal
What sole
Tommy was rockin’ the place with a very popular tuna
Salmon Chanted Evening
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player
One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she’s giving me the eye
So I figured this is my chance for a little fun
You know, piece of Pisces
But she said things I just couldn’t fathom
She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a…
She drank a lot
I said “What’s your sign”
She said “Aquarium”
I said “Great, let’s get tanked”
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream
I invited her to my place for a midnight bait
I said “Come on baby, it’ll only take a few minnows”
She threw me that same old line
“Not tonight, I gotta haddock”
And she wasn’t kidding either
Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I’d ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me and said
“Listen, shrimp, don’t you come trollin’ around here”
What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes
I turned to him, I said
“A-balone, you’re just being shellfish”
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble and so did Gil
‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke but there he was
Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless
I said “Forget the cods Gil
This guy’s gonna need a sturgeon”
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said
“Hey, big boy, you’re really a game fish
What’s your name”
I said “Marlin”
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream
Well, from then on we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner, I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble
A case of the clams
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
2
MLB team names so dumb jokes can be made about them.
Guardians (of what, Cleveland?)
Nationals (What is a National? Hard to come up with a less exciting team name)
Phillies (What is a Phillie? It’s a brand of cigar)
Astros (Needs a couple of letter changes to make it memorable)
Padres (Its original uniforms of yellow and brown made an early critic call the players “Tacos with Legs”)
Expos (Like, who cares about a long-ago Exposition in a non-baseball town?)
Reds (Joe Stalin’s favorite baseball team – patriotic Americans hate them)
Mets (Metropolitans – So what? There are lots of metropolitan areas across the US)
Twins (Big Yawn – “Muzzies” would better reflect the demographics of the place).
Brewers (The team name has alienated all 12 wine drinkers in Milwaukee – a dismal city)
White Sox (A bit bland perhaps, but at least the “Sox” English script on the home uniforms along with the pin stripes looks great.
@Harry,
That is great…I loved it. So many jokes are made from using words in a different way…word jokes.
Lots of creativity in that story…fun stuff.
1
Harry, do you get a lot of fan mail from a flounder like Bullwinkle did on Bullwinkle’s corner. Keep on alliterating, you’re great at it.
A new study found that impatience can be attributed to wait loss.
4
Didja hear about the Australian Rugby Team named the Blacks & Tans?
It’s not a drink served in Irish pubs. The team is made up of Aboriginals and sun-burned White Outbackers.
1
Montreal’s short-lived MLB team. A better team name would have been “Voyeurs”…at least its French.
1
What is a Poot-fter?
A homosexual that farts too much.
1
Charlie Darwin Was Forced to Marry His Cousin.
Charlie Darwin, aged 48, and his gal Emma, aged 14, were cousins and were both born and lived in Hog Corners, Alabama. They had been screwing around for a couple of years. One night, in 1857, they had the following conversation
Emma: Charlie, Ah’m gonna have me a baby.
Charlie: Why, that’s crazy….how did ya come to have a baby?
Emma: Cause yer the daddy, that’s how.
Charlie: Whaddya mean? Ah ain’t no daddy. I always put in in t’other way, and I know that way ain’t gonna make no baby.
Emma: Charlie, y’all forgettin’ bout that night you got all drunk on corn wine and we did it the ol’ fashion natural way.
Charlie: Ah don’t ‘member thet at all.
Emma: It was you, Charlie. Look at mah big tummy….that be your kid in there Charlie.
Charlie: (Peeks in her overalls). Maybe you jest ate too many flapjacks.
Emma: Darlin’, the doc tol’ me ah’m gonna have a baby.
Charlie: Ain’t there a way the doc k’in jest pull it out?
Emma: Charlie, that ain’t right.
Charlie: How am I ‘sposed to feed a kid? I ain’t got no job.
Emma: Charlie, I got a’ idea…write a book…you can make lotsa money.
Charlie: Ah can barly writ down mah name….a book ‘bout what?
Emma: I wuz a’ readin’ in a magazine ‘bout how they say we wuz all like monkeys once, then we turned into us humin beans….write ‘bout that Darlin’.
The next week, Charlie and Emma got married, at the insistence of Emma’s father.
So Charlie wrote a book, made some money, and became a famous scientist.
Sir Lester Leggit, English Football Hero.
One of the early 20th Century stars of the English Football League was a chap named Lester Leggit. Ironically, given the loss of his right leg in the Boer War, he learned how to run on just his left leg. But he ran blazingly fast. Only two other footballers could outrun him.
In 1903 he was signed on by the lower division Hampstead Wombles, but he scored so many goals his first season that next year he moved up to the First Division Wolverhampton Woolbys, where he played the rest of his career. From 1903 to 1926, he scored an amazing 753 goals, a feat that has never been surpassed, even by players with two feet. Another success factor, besides his blazing speed, was his foot size of 15 inches, the biggest foot in the history of English football. He kicked the ball so hard and fast that the goaltenders hardly ever saw it go by. Also, because he kicked with his left foot, the ball “bent” in a different direction than that kicked by a right foot, and it surprised goaltenders.
After his retirement from football in 1926 Lester Leggit was knighted by the King and also made a member of the Queen’s Royal Purple Royal Ladies Royal Silk Garter Society. He was also made a member of the Imperial British Wogs Club, which was devoted to the feeding and care of Asian Indians. As Sir Les said at the time: “It’s the least we can do for our backward Asian subjects, after killing so many of the little buggers.”
When Sir Les Leggit died in 1956, the English Football League arranged to have his one remaining leg and foot to be removed, embalmed, and put on display, along with his short pants, jersey, and his lone boot and lone sock, at the Imperial English Football Museum in Southwark.
Since Sir Leggit’s death, a team of archeologists have been searching for his right leg and foot which they believe will be found buried in one of the battlefields of the Boer War. They are convinced that if they find foot bones of at least 14 inches in length they will have found their Holy Grail.
He laid awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
4
Why did the biologist break up with the mathematician?
Because they had no chemistry.
1
US National Park Names
Starving Grizzlies National Park, Wyoming (to deter attack, take extra sun tan with you)
Gator Lake National Park, Louisiana (floating, swimming, wading available in the clear, warm water of the lake)
Python National Park, Florida (exciting scripting classes are available year-round)
Ice Floes National Park, North Slope, Alaska (A Great Place for Ocean swimming & surfing)
Mosquito National Park, Minnesota (See Mosquitos as big as crows)
Hawaiian Noses National Park, Oahu (Inspired by a Dire Straits song)
Dead Presidents’ Faces National Historic Park, South Dakota (See them before you die too)
Murder Hornets National Refuge, Nebraska (Visitors must wear proper safety clothing and gear – there are more murders there than in Chicago)
STD National Memorial Park, San Franciso, CA.
Gangsterland National Part, Brooklyn, NY (many displays of Tommy guns, Sicilian knives, brass knuckles, etc.)
Buck Teeth Pass National Park, West Virginia
NBC Network Stars War of the Stomachs – Results of the interviews are in and the hypothesis has been tested.
Interview – David and Liz (Cheese Team):
David Muir: Nothing came out worth mentioning. And, for the first time in my life, I have a clean toilet.
Liz Cho: Being a little Asian woman, my dungs are usually itty-bitty things, and for the last six days, they have been totally miniscule.
Interview – George and Ginger (Bean Team):
George Stephanopolous: Holy Crap, I dumped out a monster…it was a lot bigger than me!
Ginger Zee: Y’know what, my toilet cracked and broke under the strain – there was just way, way too much. Thanks a lot!
Interview – Robin and Alex (Cheese and Bean Team):
Robin Roberts: I sat and tried to go real bad, but something blocked it and I only pooted. I’m so broken-hearted.
Alex Perez: I ate so much beans and cheese my stomach swelled to twice its size, but I can’t get rid of the stuff, even after swallowing 8 ex-lax tablets.
Interview – Michael and Layla (No Beans, No Cheese, No Anything Team):
Michael Strahan: I’m starving…I’m not a slave, y’know…GIVE ME SOME CHEESE AND BEANS.
Layla Anastasia: I’m OK, I lost 20 pounds. I didn’t have go to the bathroom even once. Nothing in, nothing out. I’m sticking with this diet.
As predicted by food consultants, there was no winner because the bean and cheese diets cancelled out each others’ effects.
The test was Qualitative, relying on individual test takers’ observations, perceptions, and judgments. Next time, it will be a more scientific, Quantitative test, relying on statistical and mathematical analysis to determine the winner based on measured output.
MSN Dopety-dope Headlines
False Facts about Star Trek You Always Thought Were True
-Was there even one true fact about Star Trek that an intelligent person believed? Just one?
What Betty White Taught Ryan Reynolds About Life, Love, and Laughter.
-They drank. They laughed. Then, they did something. Betty said later: Hot Damn, I taught that boy some things he never even heard about…I turned a boy into a man.
A Sweatshirt You Won’t Want to Take Off All Winter Long (Advert)
-Wouldn’t it really stink by March 1st?
Enjoy An Ice Cream Rainbow Buffet And we’ll Reveal Which “My Little Pony” Character You Are.
-MSN headline-writing silly faggies are at it again
Woman Teaches Pig to Roll Over for Tummy Rubs and the Internet Can’t Get Enough
-my wife insists I’m a pig but I never get tummy rubs.
Trump Rejects Nazi Comparison
-But, but, the communists/liberals/leftists/perverts/deviants and most of the crooked media say he’s a Nazi. Who ya’ gonna believe?
The History of Valerie Bertinelli’s Complicated Love Life
-Slightly more interesting than the book titled The Secret Life of Crabgrass.
Notre Dame Is in the College Football Playoff, Deal With It
-I don’t feel like dealing with it, whatever it is.
Scientists find a giant missing blob of water in the Atlantic
-I don’t know how water can form into a blob, let alone a missing one, which has now been found.
Martha Stewart, 84, Rocks Skinny Leather Pants With a Polarizing Shoe Choice
-That old lady ought to go Rock in Rocking Chair
Billie Eilish’s Blunt Message to Elon Musk Signals A Shift In How We See Billionaires.
-Billie Eilish is ass-hole.
Didja hear about the All-Female Bar?
It’s called the Les. B. Inn.
What did the dice say after smoking some weed?
We’re loaded.
What was on the flip side of CCR’s Hit, Who’ll Stop The Rain?
Who’ll Cut The Cheese?
A hit from a group called the Cutting Crew
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
Imagine how the girl reacted:
OMIGOD, you’re not breathing….OMIGOD you’re dead….(sounds of screaming).
Continuing saga of Stephen Hawking’s Last Oyster.
Before long, me and my sardine friends heard a bunch of loud urps and one great big burp. The next thing we knew, we were being forced back up Stephen’s esophagus at supersonic speed. Back up through the switchbacks to his throat, and into his mouth.
After that, we heard sounds of squeaky wheels quickly turning on a floor, and the next instant, we were all dumped into another basin, a big white thing that first had clean water, but which soon turned a horrible yellow and green color. At this point, my sardine friends were still with me.
I looked up at Stephen, whose head was crooked and bowed over and close to us. He was coughing quite violently. Then, I noticed him falling back, hand on his chest. His eyeballs were going round and round and finally got stuck at the top of his eye sockets. I think he fell back and hit the wall, but just before that, we heard the sound of water moving around us. In what I suspect was his last act, Stephen did something to make us all go away. Well, we were all swirling around this basin for a few seconds, then we entered a big tube and slid down that. After a few more minutes we were dumped into a huge sort of metal tank. We were forced around by a large paddle in a clockwise direction. Then I got smacked in the face by a partly rolled up rubber thing. INSULTED AGAIN!
To be continued….
Sofa King
Q: What do you do when someone hates you for no reason?
A: Give him a reason.
Why did the crow set on the phone line?
He needed to make a long distance caw.
A Communist, a muslime and an anti-Semite walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What can I get you Mayor Mamdani?
i m sofa king we todd it
12 year olds love this one because they can get away with saying sofa king in front of the adults.
Tim Buktu – reminds me of this one –
It was April the forty-first
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop
So I was in a rented Stingray
And it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell Station
They said I’d blown a seal
I said, “Fix the damned thing
And leave my private life out of it
Okay pal?”
While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said “Hi Gil”
You have to yell, he’s hard of herring
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream
Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is he was barely keeping his head below water
I bellied up to the sandbar
He poured me the usual
See pop shows near Cleveland
Get tickets as low as $103
You might also like
BAND4BAND
Central Cee & Lil Baby
THE HEART PART 6
Drake
She Knows
J. Cole & Cults
Rusty snail, hold the grunion
Shaken not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side
Heavy on the mako
I slipped him a fin
On porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry’s squids
For the halibut
Well the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal
What sole
Tommy was rockin’ the place with a very popular tuna
Salmon Chanted Evening
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player
One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she’s giving me the eye
So I figured this is my chance for a little fun
You know, piece of Pisces
But she said things I just couldn’t fathom
She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a…
She drank a lot
I said “What’s your sign”
She said “Aquarium”
I said “Great, let’s get tanked”
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream
I invited her to my place for a midnight bait
I said “Come on baby, it’ll only take a few minnows”
She threw me that same old line
“Not tonight, I gotta haddock”
And she wasn’t kidding either
Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I’d ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me and said
“Listen, shrimp, don’t you come trollin’ around here”
What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes
I turned to him, I said
“A-balone, you’re just being shellfish”
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble and so did Gil
‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke but there he was
Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless
I said “Forget the cods Gil
This guy’s gonna need a sturgeon”
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said
“Hey, big boy, you’re really a game fish
What’s your name”
I said “Marlin”
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream
Well, from then on we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner, I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble
A case of the clams
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin’ thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
MLB team names so dumb jokes can be made about them.
Guardians (of what, Cleveland?)
Nationals (What is a National? Hard to come up with a less exciting team name)
Phillies (What is a Phillie? It’s a brand of cigar)
Astros (Needs a couple of letter changes to make it memorable)
Padres (Its original uniforms of yellow and brown made an early critic call the players “Tacos with Legs”)
Expos (Like, who cares about a long-ago Exposition in a non-baseball town?)
Reds (Joe Stalin’s favorite baseball team – patriotic Americans hate them)
Mets (Metropolitans – So what? There are lots of metropolitan areas across the US)
Twins (Big Yawn – “Muzzies” would better reflect the demographics of the place).
Brewers (The team name has alienated all 12 wine drinkers in Milwaukee – a dismal city)
White Sox (A bit bland perhaps, but at least the “Sox” English script on the home uniforms along with the pin stripes looks great.
@Harry,
That is great…I loved it. So many jokes are made from using words in a different way…word jokes.
Lots of creativity in that story…fun stuff.
Harry, do you get a lot of fan mail from a flounder like Bullwinkle did on Bullwinkle’s corner. Keep on alliterating, you’re great at it.
A new study found that impatience can be attributed to wait loss.
Didja hear about the Australian Rugby Team named the Blacks & Tans?
It’s not a drink served in Irish pubs. The team is made up of Aboriginals and sun-burned White Outbackers.
Montreal’s short-lived MLB team. A better team name would have been “Voyeurs”…at least its French.
What is a Poot-fter?
A homosexual that farts too much.
Charlie Darwin Was Forced to Marry His Cousin.
Charlie Darwin, aged 48, and his gal Emma, aged 14, were cousins and were both born and lived in Hog Corners, Alabama. They had been screwing around for a couple of years. One night, in 1857, they had the following conversation
Emma: Charlie, Ah’m gonna have me a baby.
Charlie: Why, that’s crazy….how did ya come to have a baby?
Emma: Cause yer the daddy, that’s how.
Charlie: Whaddya mean? Ah ain’t no daddy. I always put in in t’other way, and I know that way ain’t gonna make no baby.
Emma: Charlie, y’all forgettin’ bout that night you got all drunk on corn wine and we did it the ol’ fashion natural way.
Charlie: Ah don’t ‘member thet at all.
Emma: It was you, Charlie. Look at mah big tummy….that be your kid in there Charlie.
Charlie: (Peeks in her overalls). Maybe you jest ate too many flapjacks.
Emma: Darlin’, the doc tol’ me ah’m gonna have a baby.
Charlie: Ain’t there a way the doc k’in jest pull it out?
Emma: Charlie, that ain’t right.
Charlie: How am I ‘sposed to feed a kid? I ain’t got no job.
Emma: Charlie, I got a’ idea…write a book…you can make lotsa money.
Charlie: Ah can barly writ down mah name….a book ‘bout what?
Emma: I wuz a’ readin’ in a magazine ‘bout how they say we wuz all like monkeys once, then we turned into us humin beans….write ‘bout that Darlin’.
The next week, Charlie and Emma got married, at the insistence of Emma’s father.
So Charlie wrote a book, made some money, and became a famous scientist.
Sir Lester Leggit, English Football Hero.
One of the early 20th Century stars of the English Football League was a chap named Lester Leggit. Ironically, given the loss of his right leg in the Boer War, he learned how to run on just his left leg. But he ran blazingly fast. Only two other footballers could outrun him.
In 1903 he was signed on by the lower division Hampstead Wombles, but he scored so many goals his first season that next year he moved up to the First Division Wolverhampton Woolbys, where he played the rest of his career. From 1903 to 1926, he scored an amazing 753 goals, a feat that has never been surpassed, even by players with two feet. Another success factor, besides his blazing speed, was his foot size of 15 inches, the biggest foot in the history of English football. He kicked the ball so hard and fast that the goaltenders hardly ever saw it go by. Also, because he kicked with his left foot, the ball “bent” in a different direction than that kicked by a right foot, and it surprised goaltenders.
After his retirement from football in 1926 Lester Leggit was knighted by the King and also made a member of the Queen’s Royal Purple Royal Ladies Royal Silk Garter Society. He was also made a member of the Imperial British Wogs Club, which was devoted to the feeding and care of Asian Indians. As Sir Les said at the time: “It’s the least we can do for our backward Asian subjects, after killing so many of the little buggers.”
When Sir Les Leggit died in 1956, the English Football League arranged to have his one remaining leg and foot to be removed, embalmed, and put on display, along with his short pants, jersey, and his lone boot and lone sock, at the Imperial English Football Museum in Southwark.
Since Sir Leggit’s death, a team of archeologists have been searching for his right leg and foot which they believe will be found buried in one of the battlefields of the Boer War. They are convinced that if they find foot bones of at least 14 inches in length they will have found their Holy Grail.
https://youtu.be/o5jxVyJRCwo?si=68L_lvfJiH2zZYWi
Hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He laid awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
Why did the biologist break up with the mathematician?
Because they had no chemistry.
US National Park Names
Starving Grizzlies National Park, Wyoming (to deter attack, take extra sun tan with you)
Gator Lake National Park, Louisiana (floating, swimming, wading available in the clear, warm water of the lake)
Python National Park, Florida (exciting scripting classes are available year-round)
Ice Floes National Park, North Slope, Alaska (A Great Place for Ocean swimming & surfing)
Mosquito National Park, Minnesota (See Mosquitos as big as crows)
Hawaiian Noses National Park, Oahu (Inspired by a Dire Straits song)
Dead Presidents’ Faces National Historic Park, South Dakota (See them before you die too)
Murder Hornets National Refuge, Nebraska (Visitors must wear proper safety clothing and gear – there are more murders there than in Chicago)
STD National Memorial Park, San Franciso, CA.
Gangsterland National Part, Brooklyn, NY (many displays of Tommy guns, Sicilian knives, brass knuckles, etc.)
Buck Teeth Pass National Park, West Virginia