Share ’em if you got’em.
Here are Wendy and Brock with Bad Joke Friday. Starts at 2:52
Share ’em if you got’em.
Here are Wendy and Brock with Bad Joke Friday. Starts at 2:52
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A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement: “Twice as much husband on half as much pay.”
A friend of mine won’t stop talking about photography. You can’t shutter up!
There should be confetti in tires so that when you have a blowout its still kind of an OK day!
As I was coming down the the stairs headed for bed, I heard this faint buzzing sound.
I started to get excited.
Turns out it was just a new toothbrush.
HER: You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?!
HIM: What a weird way to start a conversation.
(Switch HER and HIM as needed.)
My wife left me because I’m insecure! *sob*
.
.
.
No, wait. She’s back. She just went to get coffee.
Our city hall was once attacked by a pigeon that was trained by the army.
It was a military coo.
Good one Claudia. And if the pigeon dropped a large white squishy turd it would be a military poo, particularly if it hit a politician right down the front of his/her face.
Heard about the new STD?
It’s called “Chirpees”.
It’s a canarial disease.
No tweetment.
I used to be indecisive now I’m not so sure.
“Watson, is that mud on your shoe?”
“No… Shit, Sherlock.”
From General Statistics Jokes.
Why do people decide to become statisticians?
Because they decide that accounting is too exciting.
Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
Now he has zero degrees of freedom.
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night
before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in
an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly
gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took
St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancé and I are very
happy in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have
celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in
heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I don’t know, I’ve never
heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid
you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can
get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian
angels into the august presence of the Lord God Almighty, where
they repeated the request. The Lord look at them solemnly and
said, “I’ll tell you what, wait five years and if you still want
to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
Well, five years went by and the couple, still very much wanting
to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said,
please you must wait another five years and then I will
consider your request.”
Finally, they came before the Lord God Almighty the third time,
ten years after their first request, and asked the Lord again.
This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry.
Congratulations! This Saturday, at 2:00 pm, we will have
wonderful ceremony in the main chapel and the reception will be
on me!”
The wedding was perfect. All the guests thought the bride was
beautiful, Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River delta,
and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you
guessed it, the couple was married only a few weeks, when they
realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn’t
stay married to one another.
So, they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty,
this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When
the Lord heard their request he looked at them and said, “Look,
it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven, do you
have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer!
Didja hear about the statistian who was a non-standard deviate?
His partner was a leaking blow-up sex doll. He had to work fast.