Dad J😆kes! – IOTW Report

Dad J😆kes!

Post ’em, read ’em, collect ’em here!

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.”

Our hotel charged us ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.

OK. Now you go.

H/T PHenry.

93 Comments on Dad J😆kes!

  1. Did you know that it takes five sheep to make one sweater? It surprised me. I didn’t even know they could knit.

    Don’t let people tell you what you can’t do. Take Beethoven for example. They told him that he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf, but he didn’t listen.

    I’m just pondering: Do fish get cramps after eating?

    I had to find a solution to my Claustrophobia so I started thinking outside of the box.

    31
  2. The Soviets took their symphonic music seriously. So seriously that one particular symphony conductor was sentenced to death by electric chair for his terrible performance before the Kremlin.

    Amazingly, he didn’t die during the execution. Apparently, he truly was a poor conductor.

    21
  3. A guy is apprehended sneaking over the Mexican border. He told the agents he just wanted to visit his uncle in Chula Vista. The agents said “We’re not convinced you belong in this country! Take the words green, pink, and yellow and put them in a sentence.” Paco says “Ok Ok my telephone eet goes green green green – I pink eet up – I say yellow!!”

    12
  4. Apologies to “TN Tuxedo”.

    There was this symphony conductor who kept getting fired from his jobs due to terrible performance. He couldn’t keep time, kept skipping notes, and ticked off the orchestra members. He got so tired of being fired he decided to stick his keys into an outlet and end it all. Nothing happened. Apparently he was a poor conductor after all.

    7
  5. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are sitting at the doctor’s office. All three are pregnant. The brunette says “I’m going to have a boy because my husband was on top of me when we conceived!” The redhead says “I was on top so I guess that means I’m going to have a girl!” The blonde starts crying and wailing. The other girls go “What’s wrong honey?” The blonde cries out “I’m going to have puppies!!”.

    28
  6. Two leftist DC bureaucrats are standing outside of Congress. One of them sees a snail on the ground and squashes it with his foot. The other one says “What did you do that for?” The squisher says “That sumbitch has been following me around all day!!”.

    12
  7. A certain John has a perversion he enjoys performing with a one eyed courtesan. Whenever he’s in the mood and texts her, she always texts back “Ok – I’ll keep an eye out for you!”.

    4
  8. PHenry
    FEBRUARY 11, 2023 AT 2:08 PM
    “OK. Apologies in advance for this one.

    Why didn’t Natalie Wood shower? She likes to wash up on shore.”

    What’s the only wood that doesn’t float?

    Natalie.

    6
  9. A Before Yer A Dad Joke

    Where were you yesterday!!!
    There was nobody else to
    cover your shift.

    ——————-I’m sorry. I was becoming a
    ——————-father yesterday 🙂

    Oh really? I’m happy for you.
    Boy or girl?

    ——————-I’l tell you in 9 months – D

    You’re fired.

    6
  10. Two old blue haired ladies were sitting on a park bench one sunny afternoon. A perv in a raincoat came up to them and threw the coat open and flashed them. One old woman had a stroke. The other one couldn’t reach it.

    8
  11. How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing away all the W’s. What do you call a brunette who’s friends with a blonde chick? A blonde interpreter.

    8
  12. Here’s the first joke my dad ever told me as a kid. I was in third grade.

    Once there was a lady on a train with her beloved dog. And her dog’s name was Ballsitch. Well the dog went missing and she ran up and down the train frantically looking for him while yelling, “OH MY BALLSITCH! OH MY BALLSITCH!”

    Then the conductor came up to her and said, (Dad used an Uncle Remus voice) “Lady? When my balls itch I scratch ’em.”

    Still makes me LOL. LOL!

    5
  13. I’m so old …

    That when I read “1984” in high school, it was still set in the futre

    I actually saw OJ Simpson running away on live TV … from linebackers and safeties

    And let me tell ya .. he was moving faster on the field than he was in his Ford Bronco

    6
  14. A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
    They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
    “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
    “You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.
    In this country we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”
    “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sex?
    I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”

    11

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