Dating Tips For Prominent Democrats

Editor’s note: This column is satire.

We’ve learned so much about what women face in the last few weeks, and you liberal men should take this as an opportunity to change – specifically, out of your flapping bathrobes and into some Dockers. Groping, flashing, molesting shrubs – believe it or not, some women consider these things to be wrong. Crazy? Sure, but for now it’s no more monkey business as usual. As a noted Democrat, you need to maintain your political viability, and you can exploit the respect and concern for women you’ve always pretended to have to help you dodge responsibility for whatever you’ve already done!

Hey, nobody gets into liberal politics because they actually believe this stuff! Being a Democrat leader has always been a traditional path to making special new friends for guys who can’t cut it on looks and personality. Face it – no one ever said, “You know who’s hot? Al Franken. I bet he can bench his body weight.” If Harvey Weinstein had managed a Safeway, America’s starlets and ferns would be substantially less traumatized.

Having needs is nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve taken on an awesome responsibility being a Democrat leader – you’re constantly struggling to hold up the burden imposed upon you by the support and acclaim of the D.C. establishment and the media. You have a right to extracurricular activities; why, liberal women will tell you themselves that the mere fact that you are quite willing to kill babies by the millions entitles you to all sorts of fringe benefits!  continued