(a) Both alive AND dead
(b) Both Conservative AND Liberal
(c) Both Republican AND Democrat
(d) An ugly bug with the head of Hillary Clinton
10
Our silly-ass dog stepped right on a red head centipede (you’d think that someone who walks around with their nose to the ground would have spotted it, but no) got bitten on the leg, and ran 50 yards down the trail before we could get him to slow down. He was all butthurt.
That was 2 months ago, but still if I want to annoy him, all I have to do is point near him and say “Centipede!”
9
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.”
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account!’
”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.”
“Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.”
…which, I notice, you don’t mention anyone WIPING, so maybe the white slime ISN’T undercooked egg white…
2
SNS, it was a joke, no need to be gross about it. More about time spent than contents of ingredients. Jeez.
3
^^^ Well, I’m just saying that maybe the egg WAS done, but since our protagonist was ALSO, eh, “Done”, perhaps it was a misinterpretation of what was seen when both ends of the human condition were served up in the same space with no tidying up in between, so maybe you’re being unnecessary rough on a fellow who actually DID complete his task in the anticipated time frame, is all…
1
SNS
Dude, pump the brakes will ya.
6
At this point I’m convinced that centipede wears crocs.
1
…OK, I’ll stop, even though Descartes says I can’t prove any of YOU exist or that we’re even having this conversation…
Good one!
Hey wait a minute,centipedes don’t wear shoes.
Never a bad day for dad jokes.
But, before he opens the box, the centipede is…
(a) Both alive AND dead
(b) Both Conservative AND Liberal
(c) Both Republican AND Democrat
(d) An ugly bug with the head of Hillary Clinton
Our silly-ass dog stepped right on a red head centipede (you’d think that someone who walks around with their nose to the ground would have spotted it, but no) got bitten on the leg, and ran 50 yards down the trail before we could get him to slow down. He was all butthurt.
That was 2 months ago, but still if I want to annoy him, all I have to do is point near him and say “Centipede!”
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.”
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account!’
”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.”
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-txbICIKoaFQ/VbCX3FelynI/AAAAAAAATyk/zA8EP1r6e3Y/s1600/kit1.jpg
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Unfortunately the eggs were still undercooked.
Too bad about the pictures, there was a whole slideshow that helped tell that last joke.
Only a female centipede would own that many shoes.
Why would he need shoes if he’s being carried around in a box
Because only a lazy slob would spend all day wearing socks.
If you get this, you are a nerd. You may be an uber nerd.
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says “You were doing 55 in a 35.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrodinger.
bob frapples June 22, 2020 at 4:59 pm
Why would he need shoes if he’s being carried around in a box
————————
Just in case his owner gets drunk and needs to beat feet home. 🙂
Lowell
JUNE 22, 2020 AT 6:05 PM
“If you get this, you are a nerd. You may be an uber nerd.
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car…”
…Descartes may have been in the back seat, but no one could prove if he was or not, since all of their senses could be fooled…
https://youtu.be/6b7r5jIEe9s
joe6pak
JUNE 22, 2020 AT 4:24 PM
“Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.”
…which, I notice, you don’t mention anyone WIPING, so maybe the white slime ISN’T undercooked egg white…
SNS, it was a joke, no need to be gross about it. More about time spent than contents of ingredients. Jeez.
^^^ Well, I’m just saying that maybe the egg WAS done, but since our protagonist was ALSO, eh, “Done”, perhaps it was a misinterpretation of what was seen when both ends of the human condition were served up in the same space with no tidying up in between, so maybe you’re being unnecessary rough on a fellow who actually DID complete his task in the anticipated time frame, is all…
SNS
Dude, pump the brakes will ya.
At this point I’m convinced that centipede wears crocs.
…OK, I’ll stop, even though Descartes says I can’t prove any of YOU exist or that we’re even having this conversation…
Cocaine is a terrible drug
So is German philosophy.