American Thinkers: Muslims eat halal. Jews eat kosher. Devout Catholics and Orthodox Christians abstain from meat on Friday and certain holy days. Hindus are vegetarian. But you will never see food practices take on religious intensity like they do in the more politically blue/left-wing bastions of the United States. This food intensity has been a gold mine of joke material for comedians like JP Sears.
Spend some time with vegan, gluten-free, and paleo devotees and you will realize that a fish filet on Friday can never match the cultlike seriousness these food fads take on. (And if you should ever be trapped at a restaurant table with somebody who is both vegan and gluten-free, run like the wind.)
Studies show left-leaning individuals are less likely to identify themselves as religious. But the truth is they have merely replaced well-known western religious traditions with more rigid ones. If you move to a politically blue part of the country, you will experience the cultural shift the minute your kids enter preschool. School picnics, snack time and birthday parties can become an anxiety-inducing strain as you try to determine what you can bring that all the children can eat. The parents are generally nice people who would never expect you to consider their dietary rules, but you will nonetheless feel a twinge of guilt if you bring that batch of traditionally-made cupcakes and accidentally feed it to a kid who is not allowed to experience it.
Once when my child’s preschool class had a little picnic, I got the hairbrained idea in my head that I would find a food somewhere in the grocery aisles that every kid could eat, without exception. I was determined to leave no three-year-old behind. Finally, I hit it upon it: raisins! They could all eat raisins. As I grabbed the Sunsweet, I thought about how far this new cultural milieu was from my Gen X school gatherings filled with Tang and peanut-butter-and-fluff sandwiches.
Devotees of these practices always feel a need to announce their customs to a degree that traditional religious believers do not. Their e-mails never just state, “I’ll bring cookies.” It will state, “I’ll bring the gluten-free cookies with all-organic ingredients.” The grocery list can never be a mystery. Weirdly, the Jewish parents never feel the same need to announce if the ingredients they buy have that little “k” for kosher. I myself never once experienced a desire to declare, “We’ll be bringing cheese squares instead of turkey cubes tomorrow because we abstain on Friday.” Left-wing food faddies are far better evangelizers. MORE
h/t Forcibly Deranged.
Mixing with human beings is toxic. Just say no.
I wish I could still eat cheese…….
“Speaking the truth in times of universal deceit is a revolutionary act.” Geo. Orwell
There will come a time when Soylent Green and Brawndo will be the only things we will be allowed to consume.
I dated a gal years back who was vegetarian but only declined meat. Eggs and dairy were fine. When we went out for pizza, the pizza couldn’t be cut as the cutter could have also been used to cut a pizza with meat. Let me tell you that cutting a pizza with a butter knife is no easy feat.
My only two requirements for food are.
It isn’t poisonous.
It doesn’t try to bite me first.
Different Tim just declared that his old girlfriend had nice tit’s….not that there’s anything wrong with that….
The worst thing Lazlo ever endured was being out to dinner at a place that had a crab leg special.
Understand that Lazlo does not eat Sea Bugs, Arthropods or Bivalves.
I was trapped in a corner of the booth trying to eat some pasta, with three people cracking giant spider legs and making gawd-awful slurping noises. Their faces, far from showing horror or anguish at their terrible deeds, showed only relish and content.
I still have nightmares
@Lazlo – Nice hell. They were fabulous. Or to put it another way, she got me to eat my veggies!
I don’t have patience for high maintenance people. Eat what you like, but the second you wag fingers in my face, they’ll get snapped off. Jus so ya know.
Wait, different Tim was going out with a Vegetable with big tits.
Lazlo, i, too am horrified by sea bugs, the eaters of which reek of low tide. But that’s their business. As long as they keep their distance i am tolerant.
As for feeding a mass of kids. I would bring stuff that I like. Peanut butter cups, twizzlers, donuts dripping in animal fat, beef jerky, pot brownies, chewing tobacco, cheap whiskey, cigars.
The kids will be happy. I’ll be relieved of duty and my kid will be expelled from yogic flying class.
@Bad Brad – The way I used to drink it wouldn’t surprise me.
Different Tim
You know what they say, the toughest part of eating your vegetables is getting them back in the wheel chair. LOL
@Lazlo
Lobsters are also known as The Cockroaches of the Deep.
Shit! If you’re that damn picky, bring your own damn food.
“Wait, different Tim was going out with a Vegetable with big tits.”
He was dating Pelosi??!
The food snobs need to remember than women’s breasts are meat. Roll ’em around in egg and flour, apply a bit of seasoning, then pan fry ’em.
@MJA – I didn’t/couldn’t drink that much.
I’ve started a crustacean rescue site….please send them to me….they will be put down with a drawn butter sauce and crusty french bread….PO box Willyreallylikes seafood.com
I sell candy cigarettes to kids at my liquor store.
Lazlo went to a BBQ (so I thought) In Sedona AZ.
It was a vegan grill. I should have shot the place up.
You could grill some nice corn, or some other bullshit.
Some asswipe brought a vegan ‘stuffing’ (aka salty bread pudding)
There was a Nazi checkpoint to make sure no ‘dead animal parts’ touched the thousand dollar BBQ grilling fooking Bok Choy and some phony ‘veggie dog’ shite
Thankfully it started to rain, so young Mrs. Lazlo wanted to go home.
We cooked the steaks we hid in her purse (she could have hidden a side of beef in that thing) on a smaller, more modest grill at home.
The taste: Victory
“Devout Catholics and Orthodox Christians abstain from meat on Friday and certain holy days.”
Protestants, on the other hand, chow down.
“I sell candy cigarettes to kids at my liquor store.”
Where you also sell peppermint schnapps, no doubt.
Vegan grill?
Vegans are so skinny they’d slip through the grate. And even though they graze like farm animals they wouldn’t have much flavor unless you slather them in barbecue sauce.
Oh wait. Let me reread your post.
As a “almost good” Catholic like Clint Eastwood played in Grand Torino, I’m gonna smoke me a mess of pork ribs on Friday!
(And if you should ever be trapped at a restaurant table with somebody who is both vegan and gluten-free, run like the wind.)
I intend to eat a medium rare (HEAVY on the “rare!”) ribeye, a loaded baked potato, and BREAK like the wind… in their general direction. 🤣
Don’t eat tilapia.
They eat shit (literally)
.45-70.
Tilapia are Democrats?
Oysters:
Who in the heck was the first person to look inside and think.”Hmmm…the giant piece of snot looks absolutely delicious.”
.45-70
So do catfish.
PHenry
I think so
Other than pork i pretty much stick to the Old Testament diet. And I don’t do much pork. Bacon. Even
Muslims sneak bacon. It’s irresistible.
Anything from the water must have gills and scales. Birds have 3 toes forward and one in back. M
I love me some cooking shows!
And this thread brings out so many new FOOD Channel shows!
YOU sick IOTW Bastards! (with love)
‘Giant pieces of snot – absolutely delicious.’
‘They eat shit (literally).’
‘Vegan grill. I shot the place up.’
‘I sell candy cigarettes to kids at my liquor store.’
‘Peanut butter cups, twizzlers, donuts dripping in animal fat, beef jerky, pot brownies, chewing tobacco, cheap whiskey, cigars.’ with Duff Goldman.
Great Wednesday night lineup!
Thanks to all the contributors!
Prank to play on vegans:
“Here, try my new vegan sausage.”
“Mmmmm… That’s delicious!… That’s vegan?…”
“Yep, those pigs were on a strict vegan diet.”
If everyone is eating steak,eat steak. If everyone is eating fish, eat fish. If everyone is eating tofu? Get new friends.
Hindus are strict vegetarians, as long as you don’t count
Chicken
Mutton
Buffalo
Goat
Fish
usually anything except Cow or Pig
PS I can find shops only selling fresh/clean Pig or Pandi as it is called here. Beef is also available…….
I’m a Cal x-pat
I was talking to gal, going to ask her out when she informed me she doesn’t eat meat, but will eat cheese. I asked her if she was a vegetarian. She replied “no, a lesbian”.
Make up your minds, do you want to enjoy a meal or graze?
You know how to tell if is someone is vegan?
You don’t have to, in less than 5 minutes, they will arrogantly tell you.
They are more irritating than the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses combined.
What’s up with those golden raisins, which are a slap in the face of all raisins of color….