After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.
Ànytime a clerk asks if I have any questions, I ask how far is it to Detroit. It doesn’t matter what store it is.
I’m 6’6″ my wife tells me to go make myself useful at the store. So I wander around helping
young gals get stuff off the top shelf.
I’d prefer lifting them up but the wife said no.
I hate all shopping unless it’s the guitar shop. Then it’s Jennifer saying, “Oh, for fucks sake — how LONG is this going to take?” 🙂
When a clerk says to me “Have a nice day”, I like to fire back STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. There usually a little shocked until I start to laugh.
When asked if any questions, I say “whats the meaning of life” or “whats it all about Alfie”
Or “Stop Virginia Wolf I want to get off”
Thank you. 🙂
Ok, numbers 3 and 16, those are wrong man, funny as hell, but just wrong. Keep up the good work!
If there’s a greeter where I go in I always beat them to the “Hello, Welcome to Walmart” line.
You guys!
I got into BIG trouble on a Navy base when some dude asked me if I needed help. I said, “No, I think I’m OK.”
Then I was surrounded by angry looking dudes.
I think I’m gonna start using that first one on people who park their carts in the middle of the isle and block traffic while they fuck around.
Maybe throw in some Sweetheart greeting cards. Later watch their wives beat the living shit out of them in the parking lot.
Damn, there I go again…. it’s AISLE. ^^^
My favorate is #10..keep em nervous.
When my oldest child was about nine he used to suddenly go limp and collapse on the floor as I was pushing the cart. He would grab around my ankle and make me drag him around. I have no idea why I went along with it.
After a few beers with friends, head up to Wal-Mart for some fatty cart races. It’s a lot of fun, but management disagrees.
I may have told you this before, but my friend Brad, a 75 year old Marine, took a job as a greeter at the local Walmart He loved it. Pulling out carts for people, patting kids on the head, telling people where to find items and so forth.
One day a Walmartian came storming through the doors, pushing a cart while dragging a five year old and yelling at a twelve year old with a ring in his nose. “Now don’t you go getting’ lost asshole, I’m in a fooken hurry. Ya hear me”? The kid mumbled something.
Brad to the rescue. Mornin’ Ma’am wonderful twins you got there, he said.
“They ain’t twins asshole,” she snarled at him,”Can’t you se one is five and the other is thirteen”?
“Now that’s what puzzled me,” said Brad “But you been so mean and ugly, didn’t think you’d get laid more than once in your life.”
Brad got fired. Hard for an old timer to keep a job these days.
Lol,
Got fired AGAIN
HAA!
I like to greet the greeter with “Welcome to Costco… I love you!”
Thanks for the laughs. The urge has hit to head to the 24 hour Wally World.
Ah but Brad is a pisser. He called me last week. He interviewed with Barnes and Nobles for a job. The interview went well, he told me. The 24 year old manager was impressed with Brad’s knowledge and experience. 22 years in the Marine Corp, his knowledge of worldly affairs, geography, changing countries, new countries, battles fought and on and on.
“So then,Mr. Brad,” said the lad, “what do you think is your weakest trait”?
“My weakest trait” said Brad without hesitating, “is my honesty.”
“Well Sir” says the PHd, “I don’t think honesty is a weak trait.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think,” answered Brad.
He’s not sure if he got the job or not. He’ll let me know.
Tommy, that actually hits pretty close to home. I’ve lost a lot of money being honest. However my Irish wife thinks I’m sharp as a marble at times. Lol.
Brad did Barnes and Nobles hire you? LOL
Sadly no. I didn’t pass their spelling test.
Whenever a clerk asks if she can help me I tell her, “No, I’ve always been this way.”
CLEANUP ON EXIT 5!
Moe and Brad, I want you to come to Yonkers and clean the cold leftover Chinese food from my tablet screen RIGHT NOW!
And Brad, FFS why didn’t you ask Auntie Yonkers for tutoring? I run a Special Victims’ Unit for hardcore adults with subpar literary skills. You need never lose another job opportunity again!
Also: if Hillary wins I will be homeless. I’ve offered my services as a personal chef to both Fur and Tommy but no takers so far. Can you check with the missus and get back to me?