Little Johnny runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”
Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.
The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”
h/t Jack.
Some times it really helps to know the entire story.
But the last part was fake news, mom said
Turn her around buns up kneeling, The kids wants a puppy..
The teen age boy walked into his parents bedroom and saw his father on top of his mother, humping away. Later that day, the father walked into thekid’s bedroom and saw him in the same act of intimacy with his grandmother.
“Stop that!” yelled the father.
“Doesn’t feel so hot when its your mother, does it?” the kid shot back.
Little Johnny comes downstairs for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks
if he had done his chores yet.
” Not yet, ” said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he
does his chores.
Well, he’s a little teed off, so he goes
to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and
his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and
bacon ? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal ?” he asks.
“Well, ” his mother says, ” I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs
for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any
bacon for a week either. I also watched you kick the cow, so for a week
you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast. The cat gets in his way
and he kicks it halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a sly little smile, and
says, “You gonna tell him or should I ?”
Teacher was showing a picture of the penis in sex education class.
Little Johnny was waving his hand, wanting to speak, but, Teacher was trying to ignore him.
Finally, Johnny burst out “That’s the penis and my daddy has two of them”.
Teacher told him, no, he only has one penis.
Johnny shot back “Ya, my daddy has two of them. One little one that he pees with, and another, bigger on that he brushes mom’s teeth with.
one
Little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her Mommy in the shower. She notices that, unlike her, Mom has pubic hair. She inquires, “Mommy, what is that?” Mom, flustered, replies, “Well… uh, that’s my mop.”
“Your mop, Mommy?”
“Yes, now run along and play.”
Wishing to avoid another embarrassing discussion, the Mother decides to shave herself, which she does while in the shower.
Shortly thereafter the little girl walks in on Mom in the shower again.
“Oh, excuse, me Mommy. Mommy – where’s your mop?”
“Uh, I lost it”
“You lost it, Mommy?”
“Yes, now please run along and play.”
A week passes. Little girl comes running into the kitchen, all excited.
“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! I found your mop! I found your mop! ”
“You did? Where is it?”
“The maid’s got it in the basement and she’s washing Daddy’s face with it!”
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.”
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”
We’re here all wekk folks. Don’t forget to tip the waitresses.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnny.
“Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
Miss Applebee gives the class an assignment to think of a three syllable word and how they would use it in a sentence and come back tomorrow to present their examples.
The next day she calls on Larry. What is your word and how would you use it in a sentence?
Miss Applebee, my word is Beautiful. Miss Applebee, you are very beautiful!
Oh that’s very nice Larry! Thank you.
Now let’s see, how about you Lisa. What is your word and how would you use it in a sentence? Meanwhile Little Johnny is in the back of the room with his hand up straining at the bit to get noticed. Miss Applebee does not want to have to call on him unless she has to, so she goes thru the entire class hoping to wear him out. Finally there is no one left so she calls on Little Johnny.
Hesitantly she says; OK Johnny, what is your word and how would you use it in a sentence?
Little Johnny get up and says; My word is Urinate!
Teacher… Urinate!
and if ya had bigger tits you’d be a Ten!
Now, this is my kind of thread. 👿
Little Johnny was digging up worms for fishing in the backyard one day. Grandpa saw him pull one out of its hole and said,”Johnny, If you can stick that worm back in its hole I’ll give you a dollar.”
(Stop me if you’ve heard this one.)
Johnny thinks for a minute, then runs to the house and comes back with Grandma’s hair spray. He sprays the woem and stretches it out until it stiffens, then slides it back with little trouble.
Grandpa is pleased with Johnny’s solution and goes back to the house. A little while later he comes back and gives Johnny $2.00.
“You said one dollar, Grandpa.”
“That other dollar is from Grandma!”
@All Too Much December 10, 2016 at 10:18 am
Uncle Bill? Is that you?