A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.”
I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you”
Saint Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Couple of minutes ago.”
H/T Doc.
A slow slider right down the middle.
Good one, @Doc!
Good one.
A humorous example of “no good deed goes unpunished”. It doesn’t seem fair, but it’s our cross to bear
(Disclaimer: this does NOT reflect my, or necessarily anyone’s, belief system. It’s just some silliness I picked up during my Catholic upbringing.
It’s a joke. Lighten up, Francis…)
…three nuns died in a car accident one time, and appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
One nun had always been chaste and fully obedient to her vows: the second nun had slipped a little and cursed and looked at men: the third nun was about to be kicked out of the Order because she had been caught having drunken sex, and they had been in the car to go to the Mother Superior for her removal when the accident happened.
Peter spoke to the chaste nun first.
“You all must answer one question to get into Heaven. Because you led an exemplary life, yours will be the easiest.
What were the names of the first man and woman?”
The nun answered immediately, “Adam and Eve”
…the bells rang, the gates opened, and she walked into Heaven.
The gates closed, and Peter motioned the second nun to his desk.
“Because you have errored, but kept your virtue, your question will be a bit harder.
What did Adam and Eve do that angered God?”
The nun thought a moment, and said, “They ate from the Tree of Knowledge and realized they were naked.”
…the bells rang, the gates opened, and she walked into Heaven.
The gates closed, and Peter motioned the last nun to his desk.
“Because you have fallen and betrayed your vows, yours will be the most difficult question of all.
What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam after they ate the Apple?”
The nun squinched up her face in thought and said, “Ohh, ahh, that’s a HARD one…”
…the bells rang, the gates opened, and she walked into Heaven.
…could be worse. Could be “On a trip to the Brokeback Mountain”…
After his ship sank in a violent storm a sailor found himself alone on a desert island. “Well, this sucks,” he said to himself then decided to explore his new home. After a day he found a tribe of locals and decided to make contact. The tribe was very friendly to him but they were all men. A few nights later around the campfire, he asked the tribe what they all did for fun. They all perked up, and one of them said, “Once a month we all get in our canoes and visit the nearby island, there is a flock of sheep over there and we all have our way with them”. “You guys gotta be kidding, no thanks,” said the sailor.
But after a few months on the island, those sheep were looking better and better so on the next trip to the neighboring island the sailor was anxiously waiting at the front of the boat. As soon as the boat landed he jumped off, grabbed the nearest sheep and went to town. A few seconds later he heard mass snickering behind him.
“What are you guys laughing at?” asked the sailor.
“Dude, you picked the ugliest one”.
If the cowboy had threatened to recite cowboy poetry. The bikers would have ran away.
I eat my peas with honey
I’ve done it all my life
Some folks say it makes the peas taste funny
But it helps keep them on my knife.
Cute! Thanks Doc!
I can NEVER remember jokes — only the punchlines.
“Who’s that guy with his arm around Harry?”
“Hit the ball, drag Harry!”
Anyone know the actual jokes to these?
Gold Miner comes into Town filthy rich….Tells the Bartender to line
up His best Prostitute…Barkeep tells Him that there ain’t any
Women in Town…But for that kind of fun…We keep a Barrel out back
The Miner goes out and looks at the Barrel…It has a hole in it…
So He gives it a try…It’s wonderful…Goes back in the Bar and says
“That’s great, Can I use it any time I want?”
Barkeep says “Sure, any night but Tuesday”
Miner says “Why not Tuesday?”
Barkeep says “It’s Your turn in the Barrel”
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked.
“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.”
“Oh, that’s awful!”
“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
https://www.thejokeyard.com/golf_jokes/harrys_heart_attack.html .
Thanks Blink!!! It’s a cute joke. Probably as old as the hills, but still cute, huh?
An extremely well dressed handsome older gentleman, obviously a man of means, walked into a high priced brothel and was asked by the Madam what they could do for him. He asked for 15 minutes with the worst looking least skilled hooker in the house. The Madam was taken aback and asked why, since he obviously could afford the best in the house. He replied, “It’s not that I’m horny. I’m homesick”…
Frog in a blender!
I done tole the peanut joke, din’t i?
Ah yes, the frog in the blender joke. What’s green and red and goes 90 mph. A frog in a blender. C’mon Joey tell the joke right. At the Guys house where I lived before getting married back in the mid 70’s with 7 other guys we had a joke night once where we kept it up all night telling stupid jokes and just plain having fun. We even tied a thread around a crane fly, one of those large flies and were flying it around the house just being goofy. And the hot dog jokes were the funniest but I can’t remember them anymore. And since we also all owned the house together we used to have water fights inside the house by dragging the hose around and squirting each other and getting everyone wet. It’s a wonder that any of the girls at our church married us and most of them are still married 40 + years later. I think the girls thought we were pathetic and needed them to help us straighten our lives out which they did. And my kids and my room mates kids don’t believe any of our stories either but we have pictures to prove it.