Twenty-Nine Hours?! I’d rather be waterboarded – IOTW Report

Twenty-Nine Hours?! I’d rather be waterboarded

Thursday, 19 November 2020, 14:15 MJA Uncategorized 50

Patriot Retort: The man who will not go away has released his fourth (or is it fifth?) autobiography, and apparently it’s only Part One (or Part Five?). Now, here’s the kicker. The audio version of his latest navel-gazing, self-congratulatory tome is narrated by him. Shocker I know.

Guess how long it is?

Twenty-nine hours.

50 Comments on Twenty-Nine Hours?! I’d rather be waterboarded

  9. So that’s what he’s been doing for 4 years.
    (Well, I mean…besides all the spygate stuff.)
    I guess folks like me will have to watch all the other folks fawn over this gangly, creepy know-it-all again referring to us as ‘folks.’

    12

  10. The entire Rise and fall of the Roman Empire audiobook is 17 hours and 36 minutes.

    The entire New Testament audiobook is 19 hours and 11 minutes.

    29 hours on an audiobook should cover the entire Space Shuttle operators manual.

    16

  16. Is it just me, or, as he gets older, is Barack Obama’s head (and all it’s various bones) taking on the most characteristic shape of the Devil himself as depicted in Western literature?

    Go ahead and look. Tell me if I’m wrong.

    13

  17. I bought a copy of one of his early (ghost written) books (Audacity Of A Dope) for $1 at a used bookstore just to keep on my toilet tank. I labeled it “emergency toilet paper”.

    12

  19. Odds are this guy falls a sleep at night listening to this. No class self absorbed communist. Remember he’s the guy that gave the queen of England a Weber gas barbecue as a gift the first time he met her. A back handed insult.

    8

  21. Wow, The World’s Most Interesting Man took only 30 seconds during the Corona commercials.

    Must be inversely proportionate-the less interesting you are the more time it takes to tell people how interesting you are.

    10

  25. Whut we have here is pandering on a world-class scale to the planet’s biggest collection of worthless, uneducated, uninformed, unemployed, barely aware, self-absorbed, celebrity-obsessed, dope-smoking, free-stuff-grabbing, no morals, media-influenced/enabled, Food-Stamp wielding, Escalade driving, Kool-Aid drinking, government-dependent, busted-ass, entitlement rich, short attention span, Obamaphone-carrying parasites (who won’t buy a belt and can’t process a sound bite over 10 seconds in length that doesn’t rhyme) as well as a massive collection of dumbed-down, self-absorbed, spoon-fed, celebrity-obsessed, White guilt-ridden, Birkenstock-wearing, bottled-water-drinking, Politically Correct, kumbaya-singing, Xanax-disabled, Snowflake “Victims”, celebrating perversity in lock-step with Stupid while gazing at the world thru their vaginas both real and imagined!

    10

  26. I saw a headline stating Obama’s book sales were soaring. How many are single purchases versus all the contractual large shipments to schools, libraries and anyone else they could fleece? In a few years you’ll be able to find a dusty copy in a library in as pristine shape as the pristine unfolded ballots found in GA with just Biden perfectly stamped.

    5

  27. Mirror mirror on the wall
    Who’s the fairest one of all?
    Barack Hussein O, I think not.
    Hang it up, you sick bastard.
    Trump’s kicked your ass in that department. 🇺🇸 MAGA 🇺🇸

    7

  32. ecp – for me, your assumption is incorrect. Takes about 60 seconds. So, multiply your number by 15 = 1,740 days or 4.767 years. And by then, I’d either wish I were dead or actually might be dead.

    2

  33. You are all RACIST!!! How can you say that about the most narcissistic president of our great country? The amazing inroads he made in race relations (leaving them at the worst level since the early 1960s), the great strides in pulling our economy after the Great Recession (the slowest recovery in the country’s history), etc.
    I cannot believe that you are jumping on this!!

    2

  35. He has his head so far up it’s in his Duodenem.
    Can’t see very far in there and the only sounds
    he hears are his own echos bouncing back.
    That’s why his specialty is his stupid, endless repetition
    of his intense, internalized hate spewing out.

    3

  38. PHenry
    NOVEMBER 19, 2020 AT 5:22 PM
    “It was embarrassing enough that they found Elvis dead and bloated on the toilet. To be found in that condition with another Obama not an autobiography on your lap?”

    …with your dick in your hand, cause you had a heart attack rubbing one out to it…

    1

  39. PHenry
    NOVEMBER 19, 2020 AT 5:22 PM
    “It was embarrassing enough that they found Elvis dead and bloated on the toilet. To be found in that condition with another Obama not an autobiography on your lap?”

    …y’know, its funny and all, but one of the saddest deaths I ever saw when I was on Squad was a guy on a toilet.

    This was an older fellow with an older wife and they lived just them in a house that was really too big, you know, buy for the kids then they move out kinda deal.

    Anyway, he had cancer in 6 or 8 places and was pretty much on borrowed time, and she really loved him and did everything she could with her limited strength because she was not a big woman and was old too, so because he had a ton of mobility problems and she couldn’t help him much, they just set up a potty chair in the living room and she’d strap him to it so he wouldn’t fall out. She musta did a good job keeping it empty tho, because her house did NOT smell like a nursing home, you know, stale pee and shit on old people smell at ALL.

    …well, one time he was on for awhile and she couldn’t rouse him, so she slapped him a few times then called for help. I was one of the help 911 sent this particular evening, and when we got there, guy was just strapped upright on his throne and not moving, totally white and stiff as a lawn ornament. All the blood was pooled in his ass, a phenomenon called “dependant lividity”, total asystole, and she hadn’t heard from him for an hour or better, and medical control concurred with us that anything we’d do past that point would just be abuse of a corpse.

    …see, this fellow and Elvis, they were both medically compromised going in, and there’s this nerve called the Vagus nerve thats stimulated when you take a crap that slows your heart. If you’re already jacked up for some other reason, it can slow your heart for good and you “vagal out”, especially if you’re straining to poop like someone taking opioid painkillers would be, which is a double whammy because that’s a respiratory depressant too.

    https://www.healthline.com/human-body-maps/vagus-nerve#testing

    …anyway, we stayed longer than normal because we’d usually turn stuff over to the coroner and be done with it, because even though she saw it coming, she was crushed. The Squad captain agreed to hang with her until some fam showed up, and after she waved us off we left, but my partner and I both said we’d be back for her later, because long-term marrieds often follow each other closely off the earth. I can’t explain it, but I’ve seen it so often I have to acknowledge it.

    She made it to the next day at least, so I didn’t see her. As long as folks are busy with death details they’re usually good. But when they’re left alone with the empty bed next to them and have time to think, sometimes they think themselves into the Lord’s arms…

    So it’s kinda funny, but kinda pathetic too. After all, no one knows how they’re gonna go.

    Don’t say it too loud, might be YOUR exit too, you have a vagus nerve and ya never know…

    4

  45. Aaron Burr
    NOVEMBER 19, 2020 AT 6:58 PM

    “I swear to Odin, SNS, you could come up with a scare story on the perils of masturbation.”

    …well…

    …you may not remember this, but I DID post about a masturbation injury before.

    Let me refresh you…

    …we got a call that Dispatch told us was a panicky young man with no adults around and very little usable injury information other than something being stuck and bleeding. On arrival, there was a youth with a bloody towel with a metal wand sticking out of it from the region of his hips. On evaluation, this proved to be part of a vacuum wand system, the old ’70s metal type where you had to be careful unjamming it because they didn’t file the inside edges so they were sharp at the connection points.

    The patient exhibited an engorged penis inserted into the wand, severely swollen and apparently bruised, with macerated flesh observable at the base of the wand exhibiting relatively light bleeding.

    Pt admitted to operating a vacuum with the wand and inserting his previously engorged member into it, which pulled it quickly in then vibrated it from side to side, causing injury at the base and pain, then numbness inside the extension. Pt further stated he was unable to self-extract his member from the wand.

    Bleeding was treated on-scene, and wand was stabilized and treated under impaled object protocols for surgical extraction at the hospital. Transportation was uneventful and pt was transferred to medical facility without further incident. Police were engaged to contact the minor patients parents, who were not at the scene at the time of injury.

    …put another way…

    …someone told this kid he could get off by sucking himself off with a vacuum cleaner, so he tried it. Unknown if friend tried it or himself had a metal wand vacuum cleaner, but our patient sure did. They didn’t dress the wand ends back in the day, so they were sharp. When you insert a semi-rigid object into a laminar airflow, id develops a low pressure zone on the furthest side, which pulls the object in that direction, then the other side becomes a low pressure zone and pulls it back, all of which happens very rapidly. This both slices with the metal wand at the base and causes extreme swelling, which at least stops the damage but locks it in. The swelling apparently prevents blood from being able to depart the erectile tissue, so it does represent a couple of significant threats to an adolescents reproductive health, let alone that a vacuum cleaner wand isn’t the cleanest thing 9n the inside for you to get sliced by.

    I have no idea what happened when Mom got to the hospital, but she was doubtlessly pretty pissed about what the doctors had to do to that wand…

    …I COULD give you a couple’s sexual injury story too, but its the story of both my avatar and my handle here, and so its a different story for another time…

    1

  48. Me: “Help, Police, I’ve just been raped by 0bama!”
    Officer: “How do you know it was 0bama?”
    Me: “Well, he had a big wristwatch, a little dick and he couldn’t stop talking about himself!”

    3

  49. Iron Man,
    I’d always heard that “War And Peace” was the best non-medicinal insomnia cure EVAH!
    Me? I seldom have that problem. Five minutes after I lay down, it’s “lights out”.

    1

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