I’m not going to ask how Cynic found this, but it’s a valuable service to any of our readers who need a 55 gallon drum of sex lube.
The reviews are valuable as well-
-Sean McLemore Almost Too Effective
As UPS discretely unloaded my 55 gallon drum, the driver accidentally spilled it into my driveway. Any amount of cars can now fit into the garage.
-Justin D Fantastic Product!
This product is just what I was looking for. Instead of using a small bottle I can just dunk my entire wife into the barrel before we climb in bed.
I’ve been stockpiling my underground bunker with supplies for 23 years and by gosh, like an idiot, never once during that time did I think about LUBE!!! Thank goodness for Amazon (while it still exists!) otherwise I NEVER would have known about the availability of passion lubricant in large 55 gallon drums. Rest assured folks, for when the end of the world arrives you can now turn that underground shelter into your own personal sex-dungeon!
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And then there’s this rather demented review-
-James O. Thach Backyard Carnival of Death
I’m a risk analyst for a major insurance firm, so when my wife and I were planning a birthday party for our seven-year-old, Crispin, my mind naturally turned to liabilities. We’d settled on the theme of a “backyard carnival”, complete with a swing set, a trampoline, merry-go-round, and a giant Slip `n Slide. So I carefully inspected the equipment for safety. It all seemed sound.
We have a home on a bluff overlooking the ocean. As it happened, on the day of the party our neighbors were trimming their fichus trees. We heard the sound of their wood chipper buzzing occasionally from the other side of our tall hedge. It was a little irritating, but not disruptive.
The party started off wonderfully. A clown we’d hired made balloon animals, Crispin eagerly opened his presents, and all the children enjoyed cake and fruit punch. The weather was mild, the skies clear. It seemed a perfect day.
Then we brought out the Slip `n Slide.
The problem with water slides is what we in the trade call “distributed water deficiency zones”, or in layman’s terms, dry spots. If a child hits one of these, it can put the brakes on the fun, and send them sliding down a path of medical claims–contusions, concussions, lacerations, abrasions, whiplash, back rash, and disc impaction. And that’s just for starters. From there, it’s a slippery slope toward major litigation.
To avoid even the remote possibility of such injuries, I invested in this 55 gallon drum of water soluble personal lubricant–the idea being that the children could enjoy the slide in complete safety, then wash off in the hose before their parents came to retrieve them. With that in mind, I dipped each child into the vat before allowing them to cue up for the slide.
The Slip `n Slide itself performed admirably, as did the lubricant. That, in fact, was the problem. Due to the slight downhill gradient of our yard, the children built up so much speed that they skidded across the lawn and into a retaining wall at the other end of our property, with sufficient force that I had to put an end to the activity.
I endeavored to roll up the mat–no easy task, as the lawn surrounding the slide was itself now lubricated, and I struggled to maintain my footing. When I looked up from my labor, I grasped for the first time the scope of the liabilities I had unleashed–a horde of extremely well-lubricated seven-year-olds, hyped up on sugar and desperate for fun.
I saw young Eliza Gimmelman climb onto the trampoline. She began jumping, but the pad soon became so slick that she lost all control. Her wild flailing unfortunately fell into harmonic synchronization with the motion of the springs, propelling her ever higher, until she soared above the trampoline’s safety enclosure, over the hedge and into the neighbor’s yard. There came a ghastly grinding sound, and I could tell from the crimson plume that followed, it would be a total loss.
Twins Jeremy and Mason Lafferty were on the swing set. Having attained the swings’ full range of motion, they were apparently having difficulty holding on. At that point, the swings became human catapults. Mason separated on the backswing, arcing over the roof of our home toward the street beyond. I surmised from the screeching tires, car horns and screams of horror that he was also unrecoverable. A terrified Jeremy soon lost his grip as well, sailing forward over the bluff, and plummeting 300 feet down into the ice-cold, shark-infested waters of the San Francisco Bay. An open claim, but not promising.
The rest of the children were clinging to the merry-go-round. Having just witnessed the violent deaths of at least two of their playmates, they were no longer in the mood for fun. However, the lubricant had dripped from their glistening bodies into the central cog, allowing it to spin far faster than it was designed to, and this, likely combined with other factors–their relative weight distribution, the slight incline of the ground–caused their motion to become self-sustaining, and the centrifugal force built upon itself until they became a blurry, screaming disk of human suffering. Then they began to fly off like cannon balls.
Martin Duckworth was the first to go, causing significant structural damage to our greenhouse. Lisa Aurelio shattered a line of ceramic garden gnomes, and Ethan Green slammed into our Audi Q7 so hard it had to be written off–as, tragically, did he. Several other children left what looked like gingerbread man indentations in the siding of our home. It was terrifying.
When the wheel finally came to a stop, there was only one child aboard. As luck would have it, it was our own beloved Crispin, huddled in the center of the merry-go-round, weeping. My wife ran to him and hugged him with all the might of a relieved, traumatized parent. A little too hard, as it turned out. Lubricated as he was, he shot from her arms like a wet bar of soap, up fifteen feet in the air, landed on the trampoline, and then soared, in a half-gainer, over the hedge, into the wood chipper.
Since then, I’ve asked myself a thousand times, is there anything I could have done differently? But in the end, no actuary table could have predicted this bloodbath. I can only conclude that this was an act of God. And that, to me, is truly terrifying. Because we’re not covered for that.
Also folks, once the drum is empty, you can reuse the drum as a Stormy Daniels condom.😱
Where was this when we needed it during the Obama Administration?!!!
lolololol ewww
Hey at $28 bucks/gallon…why not?
These were ordered by the Iranian Navy but Trump blocked the delivery so they had to find another way to get rid of them. Fun fact: Kentucky is sometimes known as the “jelly state.”
Free shipping with Prime?
Only two left in stock? I hope the beginning inventory started at two drums; otherwise I may never look at my neighbors in the same way.
“Where was this when we needed it during the Obama Administration?!!!”
Me and Reggie ain’t got to explain nothing to you.
Why such a large quantity, you ask? Well, “Queenie” Kong and I have a remake coming out soon and let’s just say we aren’t as antagonistic towards each other like back in ’62. Don’t judge us.
They’ll need to order at least 2-3 55gal. drums of this goop for the annual San Franfreako gay pride parade and freak show.
I’m not gonna click on that link. There is NO WAY I want the internet search engines to store this in my history.
FINALLY… the definition of a fuck-ton!!
I can die happy now!
The democrats are preparing for their convention in 2020. Did you notice the lubes brand name? Wally Cox.
You’ll not only die happy but you’ll be slipprier than a greased pig at a State fair. Does it come in pork or ham flavor just for muzzies?
Is there a limit on how many you can buy?
Will it go on BOGO (buy one, get one free)?
I know of a particular religion of peace who could use this as a sheep dip.
About two weeks ago, I stumbled on this video about extracting lidocaine from anal lube.
It’s actually very interesting.
https://youtu.be/WA-q4pXd0Pk
hugh hefners leftovers?
I like that it comes in six sizes 2oz 4oz ect. or for those big parties 55gallons.
Cool! and just in time for the Holidays! Cause everyone knows Santa is a jiggleo!
@TRF, LOLOL!
So the ho’ houses in NV are buying in bulk, eh?
Bill invested thinking that it would be sufficent to undesicate Hill’s deserted desert but alas he was wrong…
Aw hell… it’s just a liquid version of Erector Set.
Just the gift for that person on your list who has everything!
The dead muslims will need some for their 99 virgins consummation. I see potential here to sell this in all muslim countries, France and Germany included.