presented by petrus…
Life’s Demerit System
…In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet Schnauzer. (-30)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet Schnauzer. (-30)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say to her, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-80)
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say to her, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-40)
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-40)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
I tried that “it doesn’t, you have one too” once. It will cost you more than 80 points!
Doesn’t matter, dammit. I can’t belief I haven’t learned to proofread.
What’s that expression. “Happy wife, happy life”?
He forgot to mention that all positive points have a half-life of 60 minutes, however negative points never entirely go away, but may reappear decades later to wipe out whatever positive points you may have accumulated.
Crab legs, flowers, and Viagra +500 points
That’s funny, and true.
Edible panties (+250)
Edible panties that are too small (-5000)
This entire list seems to be very truthful. I might add one thing, though, try to find a woman who is already happy to start with. Then try to keep her that way. A lot less work.
Do you know why they have hair in their private area?
To hide the Hook!
The five most wonderful things about my wife:
1. She never complains.
2. She loves me.
3. She enjoys sex.
4. She is financially responsible.
5. She never complains.
Bought her a push mower for her birthday, she loves it.
If Karma is a bitch, I sure didn’t marry her.
Blessed? Why yes, yes I am, tell her everyday when she leaves for her high paying engineering job.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I can’t “belief” we still don’t have edit.
😉
I thought all panties were edible…
Unruly’s comment about finding one that is happy already is more important than it looks.
I found one that manipulates people through her always perceived/contrived victim-hood. You can’t win that one no matter how hard you try. Without victim-hood she had nothing. You must feel sorry for her and never hold her accountable for her results because of – something something. If you’re a “rescuer” you’re screwed. It never ends.
My next and only other had an un-satisfiable mental condition that constantly moved the goal posts. “If this were done I’d be SO happy!” So it gets done ahead of schedule and with a ribbon on top. Me: ‘There ya go! Sweet isn’t it?’ Her: ” Yeah but, there’s this other thing over here that’s not perfect, so no, I’m not happy…”
Sometimes I thought of her as the princess that couldn’t be comfortable with that damn pea stuck between mattress 14 and 15 beneath her. In practicality, it had no consequence to her comfort and happiness, but because she knew it existed it was THE problem that kept her unhappy.
Her former son in law is my best friend now. Her daughters have the same condition. Over beers one night we decided weeding out women with this mental condition was the most important thing when considering them for a long term relationship. We came up with a simple question to start off with. We agreed: ‘Let’s get to the question before we become invested in any woman’.
“Hi, you’re so beautiful. I’m so glad we could have dinner together and get to know each other. So, are you or anyone in your family bi-polar?”.
I thought I put the “end italics” thing in there. The first italicized word, ‘this’, was supposed to be the only one.
Great advice, UR.
A lot of women keep a bitter, angry demon hidden beneath a thin, friendly veneer.
And when that wears through, she’s hell on wheels.
More male oriented crap on this website…
Dad of 4: I think we found your next girlfriend!
“A good woman is like a good dog…the more you beat them, the more they love you.”
-My high school English teacher.
I never tested that hypothesis and don’t know if it holds true; let me know how it works out for you if you try it…
;D
Thanks for the suggestion. I approve. Everything in the Western world needs more male orientation.