In 1981 Butterball instituted a cooking helpline. Popular Mechanics highlighted some calls. They are okay.
I can imagine some better calls:
- “Hello, Butterball? My name is Hillary. I’ve been thawing this turkey for a week and it’s still frozen solid. In fact, nothing I’m around seems to thaw. What’s wrong?”
- “Hi. My name is Carlos… Carlos Danger. I’m stuffing my bird. Wanna see?”
- “Can I speak to Mr. Butterball please? My name is Joe. I have a question. How do you get out of a Chinese finger cuffs? Why am I asking you? I’m asking everyone.”
You get the idea.
ht/ rob e.
I’m surprised Hillary didn’t ask about alternative uses for the turkey baster, although Webb Hubble does look like your average Butterball.
Hello, Butterball? My name’s Trevor Cholmondeley St. John Farrar. All I can say is you have a lot of nerve telling people to stuff their birds! Really!
I’m smoking ours, hard to keep it lit.
“Can salty tears of Snowflakes and SJWs make a good brine for my turkey?
“No? I can only use those on Tofurkey? Got it. Thanks!”
Hello, Butterball? I was starting to follow my Romany grandmothers recipe, and step one is “First, steal a turkey.” Now I’m in jail for shoplifting. Can you help me make bail?
p.s. You might pass along to anybody who asks that it isn’t a good idea to try to boost a turkey by putting it in your pantyhose.
Hello, Butterball? My name is Waleed and I want your opinion on something. I’m thinking of killing the entire infidel family next door and my idea is to give them a turkey stuffed with explosives that will go off when the little pop-up gadget you put in the bird pops up. Do you think it will still pop up if I put on it a couple wires for the detonator? Oh. You don’t. Too bad. Thanks anyway, and have a Happy Thanksgiving, inshallah.
Mr Butterball? This is John Podesta. Do you have a turkey recipe for spirit dinners?
Hello Butterball, my asshole brother voted for Trump.
Is there a way I can poison just the Leg?
He likes the turkey legs and makes a big deal out of getting one.
Not really Poison-poison, I don’t want to him to die, just something nasty like explosive diarrhea, or hernia grade cramps and asshole bleeding, those would be nice.
P.S. Do they make an extra tryptophan style Turkey? If he fell asleep I could write on him with a Sharpie
Hi, my name is Joe. Where are the Turkey Trots held? How big are turkey jockeys? Can I get to ride a turkey?
That twerking Obama turkey has thoroughly traumatized me, thanks.
Hello, Butterballs? Yeah, uh, my husband is retiring in January and he wants me to cook a damn extra special turkey this year to celebrate. Could you uh, send about 30 specialists over to help out? OK yeah, uh, and bring a turkey, too. What?… Huh?…. What do you mean you’re not Butterballs? Rosie O’Donnell?!
Uh. My bad! Barry must have mislabeled your number.”
Butterball Turkey has just announced they have recalled four million turkeys this afternoon. It seems they forgot to butter their balls!
You mean these two big ol’ breasts?
http://www.stormfax.com/TurkeyBreastBlog2016.jpg
Average Guy Joe Biden: Listen, Butterball hotline. I’ve tried your famous popcorn stuffing three years in a row and I just end up with a hell of a mess every time. What’s that? You have to pop the popcorn first? Oh jeez. I never thought of that. That’s probably a big fucking deal.
I hate it when Hillary comes in!
Every time she puts her feet in the stirrups the furnace kicks on!
Consumer: Hello, Butterball? Is there any reason a 6 month old can’t have some turkey?
Butterball: Does he have any teeth?
Consumer: Of course not, who ever heard of a turkey that has teeth!
Don’t buy Butterball; it’s halal!