I want to tell you to save up and buy a bidet.
The average American uses 23.6 rolls of toilet paper per year, according to research conducted in 2009 by RISI, an independent market analysis firm specializing in timber products. With nearly 330 million Americans (and assuming about 1000 rolls of toilet paper per tree, borrowing again from RISI’s calculations) that adds up to 7.7 million trees transformed each year into T.P. for our bungholes. Separate research conducted by Charmin estimates that we use 57 sheets of toilet tissue per day, or about 50 percent more than the global average. We are a nation of Cornholios and our demand is high.
… if only we could collectively start reducing demand somehow. One option might be to refrain from smearing fecal matter back into our skin with dry toilet tissue, counterproductively wedging particulate matter into our sensitive folds. A more sanitary option might be to buy a bidet.
Bidets aren’t just less wasteful for the planet; they’re also easier on your wallet. The going rate for a 24-pack of Georgia Pacific toilet paper (even their new environmentally-conscious Aria® brand toilet paper) is about $28.99. A decent, no-frills bidet can be as cheap as $40.00 USD. These dramatic cost savings could be yours for the rest of your natural life, as fast as you can overcome whatever personal anxiety prevents you from cleaning your butt crack with a stream of water, the same way you clean nearly every other inch of your body.
What do you dry yourself with?
Toilet paper.
I fart in your general direction.
ht/ Michelle’s Big Beaver
Got news for ya. Those retrofit bidets that go IN the toilet… people pee and crap right on the nozzle.
If it’s not a separate unit, I’ll pass. (No pun intended.)
Since Jerry Brown wants to tax water, I’m sure Calif will be on board with more water using/wasting devices.
No silly. You don’t use toilet paper after a bidet. You use the shower curtain.
Leftist Tree Huggers: We need to be more like Venezuela. Look to our brothers and sisters down there. They don’t need any TP.
Trees are an agricultural crop. If the land owner can’t sell trees, he will bull doze the trees and grow something else.
Toilet paper is some porous shit. Next rain storm you have coming in, Go stretch a couple lengths of toilet paper across your front lawn. It’ll be gone with a decent rain. File this under “more stupid shit from the left”
Diogenes Sarcastica
You can move in. I have a pressure washer. LOL, LOL, and LOL.
@Diogenes – You win!
Too funny
The only 40 dollar bidet I have ever seen is a garden hose.
Geoff C. the Saltine
Toilet paper matters!
Haha! Seriously? Potty Talk is now, in fact, potty talk!
No “temperate rain forest” trees were killed to make my TP. At least not in the U.S. All those rain forests are protected under various set asides, mostly as national forests. Geoff C. tells me he’s pretty sure the one and only temperate rain forest is the one on our Olympic Peninsula in Washington state. Unless there is another in Florida (more likely a tropical rain forest?). GP, Simpson and other tree growers grow trees especially engineered for paper pulp. Now there’s something to complain about — if one must; ever lived downwind from a pulp mill?
Leftist soy boys might like stuff squirted up their ass, but I don’t.
Well, there’s always this:
https://img1.etsystatic.com/067/0/5770731/il_570xN.776155645_hs7l.jpg
This is something I’ve wondered about, once you’re done hosing off your asshole what do you do? Air dry, pull up your pants and deal with wet underwear, wipe with something, anything?
With the continuing influx of muslims and other third-worlders, this problem will be rendered moot in 20 years. Just stay away from their left hands.
@joe6pak – Modern bidets squirt you with warm water and dry you with warm air.
The guy is an idiot.
They need power and a water supply, a retrofit toilet seat with a spray and blow dry is at least 250 dollars.
I have installed these, Toilet,Seat,Plumbing and Wiring you are way north of 1,000.00 dollars.
I use viva paper towels, I started using paper towels when I was camping and remembered
paper towels but not TP. Paper towels aren’t flimsy and don’t break or tear.
Trees are a renewable resource go phuck your self lefties.
Hey all you eco-wackos! I use an electric bidet, AND soft toilet paper made from long-fiber pulp which comes from hardwood trees, AND I take long showers, AND I brush my teeth in the shower without turning the water off. Shave, too.
Bwahahahaha!
Uncle Al
An electric bidet? Is that like when you hook an electrode to each nut and then throw the switch on some 220 three phase? Ya just shake that shit right off. So to speak.
@Bad_Brad – Nah, you need electricity to heat and pump the water, move the nozzle, blow dry your butt, and run the stink through an activated charcoal filter.
Now, if they put electric bidets like you describe in college dorms, that’d be jake with me!
Edit: It just occurred to me that with 220 3-phase and an electrode on each nut, you’d need three nuts.
Be a real eco warrior – use your leftard hand like the muzzies do
I got some on my finger, so I wiped it on the wall.
Not only are trees a renewable resource, there are far more trees in North America than when Columbus arrived. Why? Business. Lumber industry plants trees, so they can cut them later. They want a ready supply so they keep planting trees.
Also, Leftists are nonthinking idiots. But you knew that.
$40 is way too much to spend on a bidet. I bought a portable bidet at Walmart for like $2. They didn’t call it a bidet though, I think the label said “turkey baster”. Whatever.
P.S. Costco – 30 rolls of Kirkland Signature = $19
and I think my wife is close to double the national average
The real question you should ask is why do you waste 500 plastic straws every year.
I mean, you all are using the *average* of about 1.5 plastic straws every day, right? Right??? We really need to ban those.
I’m not trying to save the trees, nor the water, I just want my ass clean.
After dusting it off with a minimal TP pad, wash it with warm water and a cloth.
When you get old and have a prostrate the size of a golf ball pushing your roids out, you will understand.
Bidet would be nice, a stack of washcloths is way cheaper.
You gotta wash your hands anyway.
23.6 rolls a year?
Do you see the size of the rolls sold today?
WAY too much information in this thread.
The better your health, the less clean up required.
Paper pulp trees come from tree farms. They are harvested just like any crop. Only thing is, nowadays, they aren’t being replanted but rather left to natural cycles of weeds going to trees due to the projected reduced return on a 30 yr crop.
Less than 2 rolls a month per person?
I’ve had times where I wondered if that half roll staring back at me was going to be enough.
A couple of weeks ago, I ate something that didn’t agree with me. Who am I kidding? Whatever it was, come to think about it, I think it was a 44 oz. slush sweetened with Splenda, it nearly killed me. My ass looked like possessed root beer dispenser all day long. I must have used 26 rolls that day alone. Oh well! I’ll shut up, now. Yeah! Too much information.
Forget the bidet. That environmental wacko can personally eat the corn out of my azzhole to solve the toilet paper dilemma.
Filthy McNasty-
Yup. Diet soda. Every time. LOL
Sounds like that dude just likes his vajajay tickled.
Real men don’t use a bidet, the French invented it for shit sakes.
Because of the large surface of the sink, disinfection of stand-alone bidets is difficult, so microbial contamination from one user to the next could take place. Bidet attachments are sometimes included on hospital toilets because of their utility in maintaining hygiene. Warm-water bidets may harbor dangerous microbes if not properly disinfected
Hey all you ecoweenies why don’t you just crap out in the woods and use poison ivy and stinging nettles for TP. And another question, do eco dweebs even bother to have good hygiene in the first place? I never thought it could get this dumb debating whether using too much TP is killing the planet.
Here are two options for Earther Matthew Phelan & his pals:
a)start a sandpaper recycling co-op company for him and his like-minded friends. My bet is they will prefer to use no. 100 grit or lower for the extra scrapping power.
b)go Yemeni style. Grab two old coffee cans or similar containers – go out and collect a can full of oblong stones, about golf ball size.
Keep the extra can in the WC for the used ones. Then toss ’em out in the front yard, to gain street cred and lead by example, advertising how eco-conscious he is being, and let nature clean and sterilize them for a month or two. Then recycle ’em. I believe the Yemenis prefer smooth stones. But since he prefers doing things the hard way. He and his pals may again prefer the rougher sand stones for the scrapping power to get that extra clean feeling.
In boot camp, Great Lakes NTC 1972, there was a guy in my company from Ark. who kept singing a silly song to the tune from The Rifleman TV show. I haven’t a clue why I still remember it. Earther Matthew Phelan and pals may like the advice from the song.
Stranded, stranded on the toilet bowl.
What do you do when you don’t have a roll?
To prove you’re a man you must wipe with your hand.
Stranded, stranded on the toilet bowl.
That’s what you must do, when you don’t have a roll.
(the only change in the lyrics required for Matthew Phelan’s case is to change the word “have” to “want”, since he just doesn’t want a roll) However, my bet is he also has a grievance about the eco-damage caused by the production of & the use of soap.
One more reason to have an affectionate dog. Preferably a breed with a rough tongue.
There should have been a trigger warning with this thread
We’ve had a bidet for years, not to save the planet, but for cleanliness. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. “Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.” – Friedrich Schiller
I think he has this all wrong, trees eat all that extra CO2 and we should grow more to eat it up.
Gee. Another day and a leftard is obsessing about our excretory body functions.
Mirabile dictu!
You lefties can follow the example of the mooslimes and use your hand, when finished you have hair pomade too.
Sitting at the table reading this post and drinking a cup of coffee. Hubby is wondering why I’m laughing my head off.
You folks all remember the question Mr. Bear asked Mr. Rabbit, right?
“Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?”
Typical lefty logic. Lie in, lie out.
@Blink Hey, that was from the TV show “Branded”.
I haven’t used toilet paper in years. I use the Charmin moist wipes. Zero skidmarks.
No TP, and the Cali wants to monitor your flushes…
Next up, they will implement Mohammad’s rules of the toilet.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islamic_toilet_etiquette
My ex used to leave two squares on the roll instead of changing it.
BITCH
Since my cancer has greatly weakened my immune system, I bought a bidet some time ago. Not the $40 variety but the $500 type.
It has a heated seat, warm water wash, blow dryer, air filter to reduce odors, it is great. I have a septic tank and this has greatly reduced the toilet paper I use. (A bidet does not eliminate TP use, but greatly reduces it since you are only doing the final cleanup after the blow-dry.)
Also, ladies, the feminine setting will really keep your nether region clean and is very effective at reducing feminine odor. I highly recommend them for hygiene and for anyone on a septic system.
Forget what the eco-nazis say, these really are worthwhile.
My Wife replaces TR and tops up the stock (Me too!) 25 years, the second marriage. Very happy man.
@Hambone – yep, you are indeed correct it was the Branded tv show. Thank you for the correction. Not sure why I wrote the wrong show.
So my takeaway from this is, you are manlier with a dirty ass. If you get shit in your hands you wash your hands with water. Why would you not want to completely clean your ass?
@Blink They were both good shows. Chuck Conners was in both.
I’ve used a $5,000 Toto toilet that has a bidet, a air warmer, and some other doo-dads. The bidet thing does a so-so job.
The job is never over till the paper work is done.
A nice clean ass is one of life’s great accomplishments.