An aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner. The term is often applied to philosophical, moral, and literary principles.
- I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
- When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
- If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- I can’t understand why women are OK that J C Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
- Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
- The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
- The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?
HAVE A NICE EVENING!
h/t: forcibly deranged
I tried to think and nothing happened.
Money is relative the more money you have the more relatives will call you
A man is not complete until he gets married then hes finished
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend mans best friend is a dog
Dogs die diamonds are forever
Micheal Obama can fill a jock strap.
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it…” – Yogi Berra.
In this day and age, nobody has a sense of humor but everybody has a lawyer.
Redundancy forms a cycle of repetition in which one is permitted to be redundant.
“DemoCRAPS” 💩
Normal is a relative term.. Even more so relative depending on who your relatives are
Marcel Marceau was a legend in his own Mime
When I woke up this morning I wasn’t feeling myself.. Whoever that was they were pissed
My therapist doubles as a dry cleaners.. I get all my repressed memories with extra starch
The reason today’s music is so vacuous is because the people who write it grew up watching Friends and Seinfeld… Two shows about nothing
aph·o·rism
/ˈafəˌrizəm/
Learn to pronounce
noun
plural noun: aphorisms
a pithy observation that contains a general truth, such as, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”.
Fuck me,,, no shit?
“Marriage is like a three ring circus:
The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffer ring.”
Lou Costello – 1947 – the Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap
If Otis was the only married person in Mayberry, maybe he’s the reason for the odd number in the first question.
Should I go to the Emergency Room for a concussion or should I just fall and hit my head at home?
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”
Mark Twain
A friend of mine is a Para-legal. That means he is almost an attorney.. I’m paranormal
I got a great deal on a used unicycle. It was half off..
where there’s a will … there’s a relative
“Don’t take any wooden nickels.” – my dad.
My wife said that I hadn’t kissed her all day. I said that that would take too long
Barky Obama is not an African-American … he’s a Halfrican
(an example of a Halforism)
I taught my dog how to beg. Did pretty good too.. Last night he came home with fifty dollars
My horse was deathly ill. Now he’s in stable condition
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
“Common sense ain’t common.”
“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”
“When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”
― Will Rogers
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
‘nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded’
‘baseball is 90% mental … & the other half is skill’
~ Yogi Berra
‘is this your basketball? I seem to have ran over it several times’
”twas a beautiful blonde that drove me to drink. I never got the chance to thank her’
~ William Claude Dunkenfield
An aphorism from the 60’s, if it feels good, do it! And from the hippies who believed in free love, if it feels good screw it. Is the Nile slogan an aphorism, Just do it.
“If I don’t have this done in three years, then there’s going to be a one-term proposition.”
– obama
“I think that health care, over time, is going to become more popular.”
– obama
“No, no. I have been practicing…I bowled a 129. It’s like — it was like Special Olympics, or something.”
– obama
“What I was suggesting — you’re absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith…”
– obama
“One such translator was an American of Haitian descent, representative of the extraordinary work that our men and women in uniform do all around the world — Navy Corpse-Man Christian Brossard.”
– obama
“I’ve now been in 57 states — I think one left to go.”
– obama
“R-S-P-E-C-T.”
– obama
“The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.”
– obama
“We’re the country that built the Intercontinental Railroad.”
– obama
“Let me introduce to you the next President — the next Vice President of the United States of America, Joe Biden.”
– obama
“Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions.”
– obama
“In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas.
Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed.”
– obama
“The point I was making was not that Grandmother harbors any racial animosity. She doesn’t. But she is a typical white person…”
– obama
World’s most powerful people ‘aren’t that smart’
– michelle obama
There are two types of people in this world:
(1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.
Sometimes the most effective shortcut is simply realizing there isn’t one.
Arguing with an idiot because he made you mad is like kicking a turd for getting crap on your shoe.
Joe Sobran was a great one for aphorisms:
All the aphorisms you’ll ever need are in The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce.
Thanks for reminding me about Ambrose Bierce. He was the author of An Incident At Owl Creek Bridge which was one the best Twilight Zone episodes ever.
@Little Morphin’ Annie – Bierce’s Dictionary is truly a gem!
…but please don’t forget the Sage of Baltimore, Henry Louis Mencken.
Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
A bachelor is a man who hasn’t made the same mistake once.
You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.
(attributed to Dorothy Parker)
Marry in haste, repent at leisure…
When deciding between the lesser of two evils, I try to go for the one I’ve never done before.
“if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”.
Hm, double negative; If it’s broke, fix it.
If it ain’t fixed, it’s broke.
If (you) don’t fix it, is it
a). still broke, or
b). not broke?
I told my neighbor I had to shoot my dog. He asked if my dog was mad. I told him that he was pretty pissed about it.
There are only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Two wrongs don’t make a right but three lefts do
@Obamaplease:
There are only 1 kinds of people: those who understand memory addresses and those who don’t.
Being smart is like being a lady. If you have to tell someone you are, then you’re not.
Peanut!
If you can’t fit the whole thing in your mouth, lick it like a summer sausage –
or like a pony of baloney.
If everyone around you is panicking, but you’re not, you may not understand the situation.
Marcel Marceau never had bad breath, but he often had bad hands.
Marcel Marceau never swore but he gave a lot of people the finger.