Time to flex those funny muscles.
This is a twitter game running currently:
My submission-
“How fond of your penis were you?”
88 Comments on A Little Diversity – We haven’t done this in a long time
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The truth.
Ya know, the Tin Man always seemed the most optimistic
“If this isn’t a shadow, you might not have to worry about the rising costs of Obamacare anymore.”
“I hope you don’t have the Bronze Plan.”
Dammit, how many times have I told you, no taco bell without brushing first! I’m not sure if this is a frijole or a molar…DDS Mcfartus
I see you’re are not an organ donor.
U asked for funny
Wow never. Saw that before
“Have you ever seen a grown man naked?”
Proctologist. “Were you ever molested by Micheal Jackson,,, cause I think I found his missing glove.
“Just so you are aware, the ‘don’t buy green bananas’ line isn’t always a joke.”
I not saying you need to lose weight but PETA called me and asked if you want body guards
Something like this could make you famous.
I thought this had been eradicated.
Is your will up to date.
You need to stop drinking you alcohol. Test cam back it .has blood in it
Whoops!
Your blood test is back and Kraft mayo called they want there cholesterol back
I heard rumors in medical school, but I didn’t think it was real.
[during surgery]
Oops.
Old Bill Cosby joke, Dianny beat me to it.
Hi, Everybotty!
Dr: ‘I noticed you checked the undefined box for gender identity. We fixed that for you’
In post op…
Anybody seen my pen?
Uh Oh (as a nurse this is bad and as a parent, it is even worse)
Also, you do not want to hear total silence when you ask a question!
Hi, Dr. Nick!
“haha. OK this reminds me of a gross joke…”
“Do you mind if I take a picture of this? My Facebook group loves this kind of stuff”
“I’m a little concerned with your Xrays. They are showing an extra—Oh hang on, that’s a smudge from my sandwich.”
*Opens patient’s file* “Can you read this? My handwriting is terrible!”
While examining your x-ray
“Wow. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
What gender are you today?
Just as the surgery patient is receiving anesthesia:
“Are you Republican or Democrat?”
Most people have only ONE of these.
While examining the patient’s x-ray:
“You said you didn’t have a twin…”
All of this would explain the Epitaph:
“See I Told You I Was Sick”
This may not be a complete examination because my glove only goes up to mid-forearm.
Sorry I’m late, but I did win the tequila shooters contest this morning.
It was supposed to be a vasectomy?
Remind me again… what’s connected to the hip bone?
Allahu akbar!
“Canker sores? Well….add an H….”
Funny thing… and normally you’d get a kick out of this…
Do you only see a doctor when you think you are dieing?
Sorry, penicillin will not cure that.
Doctor explaining the others crowding into your room, including cameras, “Do you mind, no one has ever seen this condition, before”.
Would you like your last rights?
A lot of people still live happy lives without it!
No Mr. Smith, your wife wasn’t pregnant, we found your wristwatch.
“I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have 6 weeks to live. The good news is I’ve been banging my nurse for the past 6 months!”
Dr: you mean to tell me that you’ve been swallowing those suppositories?
P: what did you think I was doing, shoving them up my ass?
“No. NO! NOTHING goes IN your ASS except the occasional suppository.”
izlamo delenda est …
“Din’t yer mother ever tell ya ‘Don’t put that in yer mouth?'”
izlamo delenda est …
Take it easy on me, it’s my second day.
“That seat cover should be comfy – we use the best butcher paper!!”
It’s okay, you were shot by Trump in Time Square, but you will be well enough to vote for him.
A company doctor once told me during a visit to review a chest x-ray that I’d be having open heart surgery before the end of the day and I needed to get my affairs in order. He told me I had an aneurism on my aorta. He teared up as he sent me out the door to the hospital. I was perfectly healthy. I wanted to strangle him.
Your insurance doesn’t cover the anesthesia for your operation.
Didn’t sleep a wink last night.
Hello, my name is Dr. Mohammed, I will be your surgeon today.
Seriously, my last doctor visit, the doc started out saying: “I made a mistake, there is actually nothing wrong with your heart.”
Where do you want us to bury the leftover parts?
There’s a good lawyer next door who writes wills quickly.
OMG! That looks just like Chelsea Clinton’s!
What? It was supposed to be the one on the left we removed? Uh….
Yes, the very best way to sneak into the United States is to ride in the back of the non-refrigerated trailer!
Old joke:
Doctor: “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid your condition is terminal.”
Patient: “Oh my God! How much time do I have?!”
Doctor: “Ten…”
Patient: “Ten WHAT? Years? Months?”
Doctor: “…nine…”
Doctor: “And here are your seventeen prescriptions. What? Kickbacks? I don’t take kickbacks!”
Fifteen minutes later, we see him being driven away by his chauffeur in his new Rolls Royce!!!
You’re a Catholic right? What’s that sacrament you all use for last rites called?
(Overheard during an angiogram)
This needs EIGHT bypasses? EIGHT? You’ve got to be kidding me
Bill Cosby will be your Anesthesiologist today
(Said before robotic surgery)
So, you’re the next victim for ol’ Widowmaker, are you?
WOW! this is gonna be viral on youtube!
TRue story: I had an uncle with a genetic disorder that on occasion turned his blood into mayonnaise which blew out his heart and pancreas as a result he had an artificial heart/pump (no pulse steady flow) and was missing must of his pancreas. his cardiologist told him once
“I teach a class at the university can’t wait to tell my students about you”
“You ever hear of ‘Hillary Clinton’ syndrome?”
“Hopefully I get right this time”
Wait right over there while I fill this prescription. Oh, and please don’t touch anything!
“Any last words?”
—————————————–
Reminds me of a fave joke:
Dr: We have some bad news and even worse news. Which would you like to hear first?
P: Gimme the worst first so the other doesn’t seem so bad.
Dr: Ok. You have cancer and it’s too far gone to treat. You need to get your affairs in order. You have two weeks to live.
Patient sits there quietly without saying anything for a couple of minutes then speaks.
P: Ok, Doc. Gimme the bad news.
Dr: You have Alzheimer’s.
P: Whew! I was worried you were going to tell me I had cancer.
That was real for me about two years ago!! No joke.
uhh oooh thats not supposed to happen
Dentist says “Oh shit”, just as that rear molar snaps off at the gum line and pieces go flying around the room. I was the patient.
I hope they name this for me.
“Oops!”
I want you to turn to the left and cough. But, first, put these lace stockings on.
Yes, it’s true. I was a Doctor to the Stars. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Do you have a will?
True story: I once had a tooth pulled by a regular dentist’s new “protege” who had a very difficult time. Hours later at home I was still bleeding. Mrs. Curtain and the kids had left for a weekend retreat but I stayed home alone to work. My sisters dropped by unexpectedly just minutes before I hit the floor. If they hadn’t stopped by who knows what may have happened. Next thing, I’m in the dentist chair again and here’s what I’m hearing: “HE’S HEMORRHAGING!! HE’S HEMORRHAGING!!! VITAMIN K!!! MORE VITAMIN K!!!”
Yeah, that was fun. Needless to say, that was my EX dentist.
True story: I was being put “on the table” for surgery and a surg tech was putting something under my head. She said, “okay I’m just putting a donut under your head” being the forever smart ass I shot back “can I have some coffee with that?” The surgeon disgustingly asked “she’s not out yet?” To which 2 seconds later I experienced Lights Out. 🤣Lol, at least I had a laugh out of it 🤣
“When was it you last had a digital examination?”
Got the question, and the exam, last Wednesday.
My classmates both at Columbia and at Harvard claimed I was as good a physician as Obama is a Constitutional Scholar.