As If We Needed More Proof That Brits are Poofters – IOTW Report

As If We Needed More Proof That Brits are Poofters

Tuesday, 26 January 2016, 19:33 BFH Uncategorized 46

This British publication, found by Dr. Tar, lists the 10 MANLIEST DRINKS.

First of all, mixed drinks, unless you’re mixing scotch with more scotch, are not manly. NONE OF THEM.

Second of all, even if you were going to make an exception for, let’s say, James Bond’s martini, most of the drinks on this list are straight up (heh) gayer than ice dancing.

Mojito

 1 1/2 oz. rum (Spiced or Light)
2 tsp sugar
1/2 lime 
12 leaves or 3 sprigs of mint
Club Soda

If your drink has sprigs in it, even if it’s sprigs of chest hair, it’s pure faggotry.

 

Margarita

1½ oz tequila
½ oz Triple Sec
1 oz lemon Juice 

The drink is called MARY!!!

Pina Colada 

3 oz light rum
3 tbsps coconut milk
3 tbsps crushed pineapple 

This is entry level drinking after you graduate from Shirley Temples. I’m pretty sure Fisher Price sells a Pina Colada maker.

Manhattan 

2 1/2 oz rye whisky (or any other kind, though if you use Scotch it’s called a Rob Roy)
3/4 oz sweet vermouth
1 dash Angostura bitters
Maraschino cherry
Orange peel

A Manhattan??? Isn’t this the kind of pretentious drink Lena Dunham would order?? (Wait, maybe this drink IS manly.)

If your drink has peels in it, collect them in a pocket lined with tin foil, and then use them to sprinkle in a nice scented oil bath. It’ll freshen up your mangina.

Cosmopolitan 

2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. Triple Sec
1 oz. lime Juice
Cranberry Juice 

When you order a Cosmopolitan, I hear, “I’ll have a Metrosexual.”

Long Island Ice Tea

1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz white rum
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz tequila
1/2 oz Triple sec
1 oz lemon juice

Okay, now were maybe getting somewhere. It may not sound manly, but this “drink” is loaded with liquor. We called it Bash. Here’s the way to make Bash. It’s Friday night. You line a garbage can with garbage bag, and everyone pours in whatever the hell they showed up with. You can thank them Sunday. Because Sunday is when you’ll wake up.

Cuba Libre
1 oz rum
3 oz Coke
Squeeze of lime

This is rum and Coke. That’s what girls who do not drink order. That’s what guys who do not drink order.

Whiskey Sour 

1 1/2 oz bourbon (or rye, or Irish whiskey)
1 1/2 oz lemon juice, fresh squeezed
1/2 – 3/4 tsp sugar
Orange slice
Maraschino cherry

My mother drank these when I was a kid. She’d give me the Maraschino cherry. If you put an orange slice in racing fuel, it’s gay.

Singapore Sling 

1 1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz Cointreau Triple Sec
Generous splash of Benedictine liqueur
4 oz pineapple juice
1/2 oz lime juice
1 dash Angostura bitters

This is a classic prom night “drink.” This drink is usually on a bill that is getting split 16 ways at the Chinese restaurant. Most of the boys are hoping to become men later in the even. But usually they go home with Singapore Sling vomit, laced with Poo Poo Platter, on their rented tux.

Try again, Brits.

 

 

 

 

46 Comments on As If We Needed More Proof That Brits are Poofters

  1. “If your drink has sprigs in it, even if it’s sprigs of chest hair, it’s pure faggotry.”

    Super double faggotry if it has sprigs of male pube hair because it was stirred with . . . . never mind.

  4. “Evan Williams Cherry” a Kentucky bourbon blended with cherry liqueur is as close as I will come to a mixed drink. I keep it in the freezer because I don’t what it watered by ice.

  6. In art school, we drank ‘Spooli’- I’m not sure where the name came from. It was made like your ‘Bash’ but in a large picnic cooler with slices of fruit. At some parties, the host might toss in dry ice or grain alcohol.

    Forget turpentine, you could clean your paint brushes with that stuff!

  9. I never partied in high school- never knew what it was-but sophomore year in art school was my party time. I had a boyfriend who drove a TR7. First time I was one of the cool kids….ha!

  10. My, what a fetid heap of drink snobbery. Here’s one drink, just one and there are more, that puts the lie to your ridiculous premise: the Mint Julep.

    It has sugar.
    It has sprigs.
    It has shaved ice.
    And it has Bourbon.
    Lots and lots of tasty Bourbon.
    A proper mint julep is a manly drink – even though women drink them.

    I suggest you do some research on a nice rum drink named the Suffering Bastard. Manly, it is.

  13. I quit liquor in my early 20’s. Had to work 12 hours a day and it just was not compatible. 3 beers when I got home and I was snoozing. I kept beer as my nightcap until about 18 months ago. I broke 14 bones in a fall, and beer makes those bones ache. I went back to Crown Royal. I tried it with Coke, and it was WAY to sweet! I like A&W root beer, so I tried that, and it is fantastic! If you have ever had “Not Your Daddy’s Root Beer”, that’s a lot like what a Crown and A&W tastes like but without the carbonation. You can call me what you want, but it’s what I like, so that’s what I drink!

  15. This kinda reminds me of the “real men don’t eat quiche” thing that was going around a few years ago. I’ve had some quiche that I thought was pretty good. I always figured a REAL man eats whatever the hell he likes without regard to what someone else thinks about it. Ditto drinks; I myself hardly drink at all, but when I do I like a good Scotch neat, or a Margarita on the rocks with lotsa salt.

  18. I occasionally like to have a few of those drinks listed, but I wouldn’t call them “manly”.
    What makes a drink “manly”?
    Straight-up whiskey is sipped, not drunk. When I watch guys sip their wiskey it doesn’t look very manly to me. People who “drink” straight up whiskey ususally either pass out quickly, or turn into “instant assholes” and then pass out after they cause a fight.

  20. Just for the record, my drinks of choice are three:

    – kick-ass red wine
    – rye whiskey on the rocks
    – Florida cane vodka straight from the freezer, shot glass likewise

    But I enjoy all kinds of mixed drinks and don’t feel the least bit wussified simply because my taste in alcoholic beverages is eclectic.

  21. I once got into a drinking contest with an “instant asshole” in a bar in Mexico. After the first round of tequila shots I excused myself to use the bathroom. When the dude wasn’t looking I told the waiter to bring me only water in the shot glasses.
    What a hoot! Everyone thought I was some kind of drinking god because I was able to tolerate so much. “Instant asshole” had to be carried back to the hotel after he passed out.

  22. We use to call the catch all garbage can mix Whapatooli when I was an undergrad, maybe that’s the origin of Illustr8r’s “spooli” – perhaps mixing tooli with spicoli.

    My older brother still meets once a year with old high school friends for a batch of what they call “Glug” – I’ve looked at the recipe on line, it looks pretty gay.

    I wouldn’t accuse any of these guys of drinking a gay drink.

    http://www.cooks.com/recipe/js2io1tn/glug.html

  23. BTW, living in NC and knowing tons of country folk, stuff out a mason jar is….well…..risky!

    A friend of mine occasionally brings me a jar of peach brandy. that stuff makes you dance funny! And that peach in the jar looks like that potato pic some dude sold for millions.

    Maybe he had a jar of that brandy to get the buyer drunk?

  25. While at a party in college I watched some drunken frat boys make a concoction in a trash can. After they poored everything in I noticed they forgot to put the liner in the can first. I left the party right then.

  40. I only drink scotch on ice with a splash of water. Margaritas can actually be a mean drink with the right type/amount of rocket fuel. I don’t care for rum and Coke, but Sailors Jerry and Coke is a whole new experience and buzz for that matter. Good gin, shaken on ice, no dirty shit. Good vodka, again clean and shaken on ice. However cheap vodka (Jewel brand quad distilled $10.99 per 1.75L) is great for mixing with tonic/50-50/Squirt/cranberry or orange juice/Zing-Zang Bloody Mix, etc.

    My drinking and mixing habits are anything but faggoty, which really isn’t an accomplishment. I need to cut way back on the booze, especially the beer. It cannot be good for me to kill a 30 pack every other day.

  41. Some of my squadron buddies were teaching me the ropes of drinking in English pubs back in the day. I was twenty and new in the country. They told me to go to my local pub and order a Snowball. They said it was called that because it would hit you like a snowball in the forehead shortly after drinking it. I later went to the Cross Keys Pub in Kings Cliffe, England and strode up to the bar and ordered a Snowball. I noticed the blokes(what we called English people) were looking at me strangely, but I thought it was because they were impressed. When I tasted it, I knew I had been had. The damn thing was non-alcoholic drink for women and kids and tasted like ice cream. I looked at those guys and started laughing and said that I had been scammed by my buddies. Luckily, they started laughing, too, and thought it was funny. We ended up drinking good English bitter all night and had a great time.

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