He Missed a Few – IOTW Report

He Missed a Few

Help a brotha out. šŸ¤£

33 Comments on He Missed a Few

  1. The one that was ingrained in me as a child was simply, “Do unto others, ………….
    The other one is, “Don’t slip that hand clutch so much!”.
    Anybody else grow up on a farm?

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  2. I told a guy: Heā€™s telling us how the cow ate the cabbage. Later he ask me what I meant by that. I had to explain to him that the guy was telling you what he thought he knew, but what he thought he knows and what actually went down are quite different. I thought everyone knows the story about how the cow ate the cabbage. So then I had to spend five minutes to tell him how the cow ate the cabbage story.

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  3. Shape up or you’ll be going down the road talking to yourself.
    After I show you where the bear shit in the buckwheat.
    Mom wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful.
    YOU JUST WAIT TILL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!!!!!
    Hehehe…..pull my finger.

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  4. I still say some of those.

    Some others

    Homely as a brush fence
    What goes around, comes around
    Numb as a hake
    Dumb as a box of rocks
    Number than a pounded thumb
    Useless as t*ts on a board
    Cute as a button

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  5. “Wish in one hand and s**t in the other.”
    “No good deed goes unpunished.”
    “Save a man’s life and he’ll never forgive you.”
    “You pullin my d**k?”
    “Gag me with a skunk.”
    “Two on one; n****r fun.”
    “You talk like a man with a paper a**hole.”
    “Money talks; bulls**t walks.”
    “That guy’s got more s**t with him than Don’s Johns (a porta potty company).”

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  6. all hat, no cattle.
    Bob’s your uncle. (Aussie counts, right?)
    easy peasy lemon squeezy
    feel like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag.
    she’s like a bag of antlers
    know who butters your bread
    happy as a pig in shit
    happy as a puppy with two peters
    knock you into next week

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  7. We have to be careful, or some woke libtard will tell us that what we said was Raaaaacist (kind of like the Bath and Bodyworks KKK candle – that was only KKK-related if someone was drunk and a moron).

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  8. How the cow ate the cabbage:

    A while back, a circus came to a small rural town. While the cirkies were putting up the big top, a baby elephant escaped and found his way to a little old ladyā€™s garden up the road. That little old lady was none other than Beulah Mae Buchanan.

    Spinster Buchanan was very near-sighted. For years she had refused to entertain the idea she even needed eyeglasses.

    She was quite alarmed when she saw the animal in her garden ā€“ alarmed enough to call the police and report, ā€œThereā€™s a cow in my cabbage patch pulling up my cabbages with its tail!ā€

    The policeman on the other end of the line listened patiently, ā€œA cow is eating your cabbage, maā€™am? Weā€™ll send someone right out.ā€

    ā€œI never said he was eatinā€™ ā€˜em,ā€ Miss Beulah emphasized with annoyance.

    ā€œNo?ā€ The policeman replied. ā€œThen what is the cow doing?ā€

    Beulah Mae blushed, hesitated, and then exclaimed. ā€œWell, you wouldnā€™t believe me if I told you!ā€

    And that, is how the cow ate the cabbage.

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  9. Speaking of cats…
    “The place is so small, can’t swing a dead cat without hitting something.” My grandmother used this phrase.
    Always found this saying really disturbing, mean and creepy.

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  10. “Can I help you?!!!,” said in a very load and not at all helpful tone. To be used on strangers you’ve never met before who are otherwise on your property or in your neighborhood uninvited and unexpected. That one’s become a family joke thanks to a neighbor.

    Then there’s my variation on the old Woody Guthery Song
    This land is my land
    This lands not your land
    Can’t you read the sign
    You’re trespassing

    Sung under one’s voice as a curiosity seeker provides a detailed description of the items store on the back acres of the property. Very annoying, but you can’t really let on how bothersome it is.

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