Moe Tom had a good idea for a joke night. I’ll start you off with this one:
A Mexican, an Arab and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.”
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In the Arab world, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice, either.”
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, she called for a refill.
She says, “In America, we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.”
Claudia. Whale Oil Beef Hooked!!!!
Claudia. Trouble is most of these guys can’t tell a joke.
Sorry, I don’t have a joke, but I’m an excellent audience.
Ah, how sweet it was…
The Sweetness of Married Life
The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, ‘Honey I’m going to Hank’s Tavern to have a beer, I’ll be right back’.
‘Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.
‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,’ he answered. ‘I’m going to have a beer…’
The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’ She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:
Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop… But at the bar…. You know….they have frozen glasses…….. ‘
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’ She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long.. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’
‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
‘But my sweet honey…. At the bar… You know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’
‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU’RE FREAKIN’ MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOO NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER! GOT IT, DUMBASS?’
And they lived happily ever after.
Isn’t that a sweet story?
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…
But the jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’
‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a Bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.
Long Sentence
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…….
A friend of mine was deeply in love with his high school and college sweetheart.
So one night after a wonderful dinner he asked her to marry him.
She said No.
So he got himself a condo. joined a golf club, bought himself a boat, joined a hunting and fishing club, and lived happily ever after.
Crime-Unsolved
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. Or as the Chief put it, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
Another friend of mine was on the balcony one evening sipping wine with his wife.
He suddenly blurted out “You are the love of my life.”
The wife said “Is that you or the wine talking?”
He said “I was talking to the wine.”
The Police report said that he fell off the balcony and will be in
traction for about six weeks.
@Diogenes Sarcastica
I get half of every Ten Spot.
http://picpaste.com/Shhhhhhhhhh.jpg
Then there was this American Congressman, imagine, a member of that august body of ladies and gentlemen who rule our lives, who said to an Admiral of the United States Military that if you put 10,000 marines on the island of Guam, you may tip that Island into the Ocean. Now that’s a fucking joke. And the joke is on us. But anyway
continue with the hilarity. Love it.
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father.” The second old man said, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence.” Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness.” The old woman says,”My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say ‘JESUS’.”
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
There’s one less drunk at an Irish wake.
Thank you for the laughs, I’ll need them for my Monday
(tomorrow).
Yes ain’t it funny that we can joke about Irishmen,Italians, Poles. Jews , but only niggers can joke about niggers, otherwise it’s racism. That’s funny.
What has 4 legs and screams ho de do, ho de do!
2 black guys trying to catch an elevator.
*My apologizes to my Texas A&M SEC brothers and Sisters….but I’m an LSU Tiger* 😉
At the end of a game The Texas Aggies had first down and goal-to-goal on the LSU 9 yd. line when someone in the stands threw a firecracker onto the field. The Tigers thought it was the gun to end the game and ran off the field to the dressing room. Three plays later the Aggies scored and won the game……
A dumbo eared commie megalomaniac gets elected twice as president.
Fuck, I forget if that’s the set-up or punch line.
And it’s not all that funny…………
(This is the first joke my Dad ever told me. I was nine tears-old.)
There once was a very rich lady who got on a train. And she had a dog. And the dog’s name was Ballsitch. Well, during the train ride she lost her dog. She was so upset she ran up and down the train looking for him yelling, “Oh my Ballsitch! Oh my Ballsitch!”
The conductor went up to her and said, “Lady. When my ballsitch I scratch ’em!”
RYE Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high And you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this sh*t but me.”
Did you hear that Bill Clinton is going to write a book about his years in the White House? The book will be called the Johnson Years.
What is the Kansas state tree?
The telephone pole.
1st Trump Joke
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN…..
A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit
the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world was in shock.
Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia sent oil and monetary assistance.
Latin American countries sent clothing.
New Zealand and Australia sent sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries sent labor to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.
Canada sent medical teams and supplies.
The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, sent
two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless President Trump!
Good joke Diogenes, I am a TX Ag and am used to being on the butt end of jokes.
I heard one in North Dakota years ago I thought was funny ….
Their state bird is the mosquito
A Mexican, an Arab and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: “What is this, some kind of fucking joke’?
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
Mojo, you got it! 😁😜
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, “You’re pulling my leg.”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.
At least I presume she was poor.
She only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger in my anus.
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said, “How can you tell them apart?”
He said, “Her brother has a mustache.”
Last week I was on a business trip. When I checked into my hotel I told the lady at the registration desk:
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
She gave me a disgusted look and said:
“No! It’s normal people porn, you sick, old bastard!
The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in California.
I said I would love to but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
What do you call a Somali with buck teeth? A rake.
My favorites are dad jokes even though my kids think they’re extremely corny, they still somehow manage to laugh at them. Here goes, What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. How about 3 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with anorexia and a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese. Then there are cannibal jokes, Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his Grandmother in the woods. Two cannibals are sitting a round a campfire eating some soup, one says to the other, “I hate my Mother in law”, the other cannibal says,” Shut up and just eat the noodles”. Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals? Because they keep throwing up their hands. One of my favorite jokes that drove my oldest daughter nuts when she was growing up was, What did the elephant say to the naked man? That’s cute but how do you breathe through it. This joke I want engraved on my headstone so that when people walk by and look at my grave and see it they will get a good laugh. I have lots more dad jokes and now with grandkids boy oh boy are they in for it. And finally I told my kids after I’m dead and at my memorial service I want them to tell their favorite dad jokes just because. What better way to go out than with a laugh.
Here’s one to share for Passover –
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park where he sat down on a bench and began eating.
A blind man walking by sat down next to him where they struck up a friendly conversation.
Moishe, feeling in a sharing mood, gave the blind man a sheet of his unleavened Matzo bread.
The blind man began feeling it in order to figure out what exactly he had been given.
He felt the Matzo on one side for a few moments, then turned it over and felt it again.
Finally he shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, turned to Moishe and said:
“Who wrote this shit?”
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is a gay prostitute. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be damn good. Just In the last year his best clients gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
For the ladies;
What’s the difference between a man and a dildo?
A dildo can’t mow the lawn.
For the dudes;
What’s the difference between meat and fish?
You’re not suppose to beat your fish.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which she poured and placed before him.
Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon if he would care for a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman sheepishly handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too.”
“I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dog!”
There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So, he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.
One day as 5 o’clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she’s in the mood and to hurry home. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to relieve himself before he gets home.
He thinks, “Well, I can’t do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I’m fixing my car.” So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts pleasuring himself. A few minutes later, there’s a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn’t open his eyes, but just hollers, “Yeah?”
A voice says, “I’m Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?”
The man responds, “Well, officer, I’m checking my axle; I think it’s come loose.”
The officer says, “Well, mister, while you’re down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car’s 2 blocks down the road!’
A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!”
“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.
“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.
“You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “NOOO, MY ROLEX!”
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business waiting for it to turn Green when a carload of loud, bearded, muzlims, with a half-burnt American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan, spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled anti-American slogans, shouted “Allah Akhbar!” and took off before the light changed to green. Out of nowhere a bus came barreling through the intersection, hit their car killing everyone in it.
For a minute I just sat there thinking to myself, “Holy shit! That could have been me !”
So tomorrow morning, bright and early, I’m going out and getting a job as a bus driver!
A Massachusetts liberal got fed up with life in the city and decided to buy a cabin in deep North Maine.
He was sitting on his porch one day when he heard someone coming up the rutted logging road where he lived.
It was his old, rough looking hermit, next door neighbor from a mile out the road.
Old guy jumps out and says: “Like to invite ya to a party”.
Guy says “Well, thanks. I’ve been here six months and you’re my first guest. What kind of party is it?”
“Probably gonna be some drinkin.”
“Well that sounds OK. I’ve been know to down a few.”
“Apt to be some dancing.”
“Sounds like fun. In my younger days I could really cut a rug.”
“Last party, we had a fair bit of sex.”
“You know, before I moved up here, my wife left me for a lesbian diesel dyke truck driver. It’s been a while since I got some. By the way, what should I wear?”
Old guy smiled, showing both of his teeth, and said:
“Don’t really matter. Just gonna be you an me.”
Every now and then I hand my blind friend a Lego and ask him:
Hey, whut’s this one say in Braille?
According to him, all Legos in Braille say “Fuck You!”
Claudia’s redneck girl wuz named Nancy Drew.
Nancy Drew and Two Men Died
How many lawyers does it take to make a sandwich? It depends on how thin you slice them.
Not a joke per se, but this precious cutie should elicit joyful smiles.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pP_3_yQ-BQo
A man and his young daughter go into a barber shop. While the man his getting his hair cut, the girl starts eating a Hostess shank cake. Soon the girl starts running around the barber shop.
The barber says to her, “You’re going to get hair on your Twinkie”.
To which the girl replied,”Yeah and blobs too!”.
Hey! It’s morning now.
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist with insomnia?
He laid awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
The good news is that dyslexics have more nuf…
Lemme tell ya a joke that’s gonna make ya look stupid …
Oh, ya already heard it …
@Mojo56 (at 6:36 AM): Was his nickname “Sweet ‘n’ Low”?
🙂
Why are camels called “Ships of the desert?”
Because they are filled with Iranian semen.
Why don’t they circumcise Moslems?
Because there is no end to those pricks!
What do you say to a one-legged hitch-hiker? “Hop in!”
Then there was the Navaho Chieftain who installed lighting in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian ever to wire a head for a reservation.
An old man sits down on a park bench next to a really wild looking young guy. He kept staring at the kids multi colored hair and elaborate tattoos running up and down his arms.
The freak got annoyed and turned to the old guy and asks “You got a problem old man?”
The old man says, “no, not really. F$&@ed a parrot once and was wondering if you were my kid. “
A couple of kid jokes, What do bunny farts smell like? Carrots. What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids will eat boogers but not broccoli.
A Muslim walks in to a bar, down in Mississippi, with a parrot on his shoulder…
The Bartender asks “Where did you get him?”
The parrot says “Minnesota, they’re running all over the fucking place up there!!!
A classic blonde joke, Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory? She kept throwing away all the W’s.
A bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods when the rabbit tripped over a magic lamp. A genie appeared and offered them both 3 wishes. The rabbit said ” I’d like a motorcycle helmet.” Poof, the rabbit had a helmet. The bear laughed and said the rabbits wish was lame. The bear wished that all the other bears in the woods were female bears with him the only male. Poof, he was the only male bear in the woods. The rabbit then ask for a motorcycle. Poof, there was a motorcycle. The bear shook his head and wished that every other bear on the continent was female, with him the only male. And so it was. The rabbit didn’t know what to wish for, so the bear wished again. This time he ask that every other bear in the world was female. The wish was granted. Then the rabbit put on his helmet, got on his motorcycle, fired it up and as he raced away he wished that the bear was gay.
Obama walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender glances up at the frog and sez “Whut’s up with that”
The frog sez: “It started out as a wart on my ass!”
God and St. Pete are jamming and St. Pete decides to check on The Earth Project. He returns a day later and says, “Lord, it’s your best work…. the fields and streams… the oceans and mountains…. the plants and animals…. Wow!”
God smiles. “There’s just one problem,” Pete says cautiously.
“You remember those two people?”
“Adam and Eve?” God says. “Yep.”
“Ah, you forgot genitals,” Pete explains.
God slams his hand to his forehead, sighs, reaches deep into his robe and pulls out two sets of genitals. “Pete, rush back down there,” he says.
As St. Pete is tearing, breakneck speed, toward the pearly gates, God yells after him, “Put the cunt on the dumb one.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint.
As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks,
“Hey matey, do you realize you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants there?”
Pirate says, “Arr… it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
God trudges down to the Garden of Eden with a sack over his shoulders and tells Adam and Eve he has a couple of leftover things he’d like to disperse. He reaches into the sack and pulls out “Peeing Standing Up.”
“Oh, Lord!” Adam exclaims. “Pick me. Pick me. It will be so handy when I’m naming the animals and putting out camp fires and…. ….Please, Lord, pick me.”
God looks at Eve who shrugs and says, “Lord, Adam is so excited. You can give it to him.”
God obliges and reaches back into the sack. “Well, Eve,” he says. “I guess this one’s for you: Multiple Orgasms.”
And just last week Maxine Waters told a gathering of Planned Parenthood folk: “Now you all listen, and remember, that if my mother could have had an abortion, I wouldn’t be here tonight, and we can’t have that no more, never.”
She received a standing ovation.
What did the number “zero” say to the number “eight?”
Nice belt
How about I I give the punch line and you do the joke.
Like punchline: Cock Robin
Joke: What’s that in my arse Batman?
What did the first snow an say to the second snowman? Do you smell carrots?
A bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit. I noticed that, like me you have a lot of fur. Tell me, do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit thought about it for a bit and then said, No bear, I don’t think I’ve ever had that problem.
Bear says, wow, that is wonderful, grabs the rabbit and wipes his arse with him.
Just Another Modern Day
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
“Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
“Doin’ just fine!”
And the other person says:
“So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
“Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!” ??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him:
“No..I’m a little busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the person say nervously…
“Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”
(Ah, folk, you kinda gotta understand that my cunt joke is, ah, kinda, sorta, post-feminist….? Think Camille Paglia…?)
….Lady in Red
Where Does Time Go
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’ he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .’I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with
a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: ‘A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’
the friar at the monastary needed a bell ringer so he placed an ad in the paper. After many days he had one applicant. He was an armless man that was desperate for a job. The friar asked “how you going to ring the bell, you have no arms?” “i’ll bang it with my head”. The friar had his doubts but showed him the stairs he would have to climb to ring the bell. The man climbs up, rings the bell and comes back down. “well, you got the job, you start sunday”.
After many weeks the season changes and winter sets in. The stairs were icy and slippery. The man slips and falls to his death. The friar never took the time to learn his name, so when the crowd gathers he asked if anyone knew him. they walked by but one man says “I dont know his name, but his face rings a bell”
The friar is in need of a bell ringer, his other one died. He placed an ad in the local paper WANTED, BELL RINGER. Apply at monastery. After many days he had one applicant. He was an armless man that was desperate for a job. The friar knew the answer, but he asked the question anyway. “how you going to ring the bell, you have no arms?” “i’ll bang it with my head”. The friar sighed and showed him the stairs he would have to climb to ring the bell. The man climbs up, rings the bell and comes back down. “well, you got the job, you start sunday”. Seasons came and went and the stairs, ladders and platform became icy. The poor armless man slipped while ringing the bell one sunday morning and fell to his death. The parishioners gathered and the monk, who never bothered to learn the mans name, asked “anyone know this man?” the crowd murmured but one man walked up and looked. “I dont know him, but hes a dead ringer for that other guy”
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens”, said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Don’t Fuck with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
Four Golfers on a Sunday Morning
Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they were about to tee off one of them, a car dealer, says that he had a confession to make. “You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to give my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week.”
The second man, a well known realtor, says, “That’s nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come.”
The third man, a travel agent says, “I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that’s gonna end-up costing me.”
The fourth man, the engineer, doesn’t say anything, so they asked him about it. He says “Well… it’s no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: ‘intercourse or golf course’, and here I am, just like that.”
Why do Iranian tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they can watch the battle.
How do you sink an Iranian submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Hell of a run Claudia. Take a bow. Some great stuff.
What do you call a girl with no legs?