Compiled from Reddit
–Why are dogs afraid to go to space? Because of the vacuum
–There is a new restaurant named Karma It doesn’t have a menu… you get what you deserve
–My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
–Don’t eat a clock…. It’s time consuming.
–I lost 25% of my roof during the storm oof
–Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch Ouch
–I can see 2 weeks into the future. Yeah, I have 2020 vision
–What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
–What’s the best part about living in Switzerland I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
–
“Trump committed impeachable offenses”
….stupidest joke I ever heard…
…all these years, Bill Clinton has actually been trying to deal with his insomnia.
…it seems he can only sleep in snatches…
A yellow frog went to a witch to see if she could make him green. Zap and he was green except for one part of his anatomy. The witch said she didn’t do that, but he could go to see the wizard.
A pink elephant went to the Same witch. Zap and he is grey except one part. Again, she directed him to the wizard. When he asked directions, she said “Follow the yellow pricked toad.”
🐸 🐘
Maxine Waters always loses at bridge nowadays.
She always bids no trump even when it’s stupid.
I didn’t have sex with that woman…
A frog went into a bank for a loan. The loan officer, Mr. Padawack, asked him for som collateral. The frog pulled out a small trinket. The loan officer went to his boss to show him the unknown object.
His boss said, “It’s a knickknack, Padawack, give the frog a loan.”
🐸 🐸
A midget fortune teller escaped from jail.
He’s a small medium at large.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
I think I have the only dog on the planet that wants to fight the vacuum. My other 2 dogs are scared of everything.
Sure, I drink brake fluid.
But I can stop anytime.
Anon – If that midget fortune teller wuz climbing down the prison wall that would be a little condescending…
A pirate lost 75% of his roof in a storm.
R
Joe Biden.
Problem is that the joke’s on us……
Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And the other escaped with minor injuries
What’s the difference between Beernuts and Deernuts?
Deernuts are under a buck.
Apple was working on manufacturing a high tech car…
But they were having trouble installing Windows.
I used to be the straight man in a gay comedy duo
I finally have my Christmas village idiot set up
Have you seen Kanye’s new magic show? He turns from a gay fish into a holy mackerel.
Why does AOC only use lower-case letters?
She hates capitalism.
Bill Clinton voice: I never had sexual relations with that woman… I don’t know who Chelsea’s father is…
I told the American people that I never inhaled… Actually I never exhaled… That’s why I still talk like this
Why doesn’t the old geezer ever tell jokes?
Because he can’t remember them. And that’s no joke.
Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I accidentally walked into a group of street Mimes when one fell right in front of me and I didn’t hear him
Taught my dog how to beg… Did pretty good too… The other night he came home with $50
What’s tougher than finding a parking place in San Francisco? Playing hop scotch there.
I told my therapist so much about my mother that he doesn’t like her either
How did Greta Thunberg get four holes in her forehead?
Learning to use a fork? No, climate change. How dare you?
If I beat up a cross dresser can I be charged with transsexual assault?
Peanut!
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
Sat down beside her
And she beat it to death with her spoon
How can you tell what Santa had for his supper?
He Posted it on InSantagram.
Joe Biden celebrated Thanksgiving with a 12 year old Scotch. That’s when he was asked to leave the junior high school.
Q: How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
I hear that they’re not making short bread any longer
Why did the Chantecler chicken cross the road?
She saw a bunch of Jersey Giants strutting toward her.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
Well, ya know what the frogs say:
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”
Bill told Hillary that she should consider making a stretch run. So she got a face lift.
Do you know God’s first name?
Our Father who art in Heaven
Howard be thy name.
How about Yoda’s last name?
Lay Hee Who!
Jokes without ghetto profanity? How will Michelle Obama be able to repeat them?
Here’s the best joke: Hillary Clinton’s New facelift:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7789101/amp/Hillary-Clinton-72-looks-incredibly-youthful-event-Broadway.html
What was the first Major League sport in the Old Testament?
Baseball
Why doesn’t Greta get invited to parties? She’s always saying “How Truth Or Dare You!!!”.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get the poor dog a bone
But when she bent over
‘Ol rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own
What kind of car did God drive?
A Dodge.
What kind of car did Jesus drive?
a Honda.
My doctor told me I’m a paranoid schizophrenic.
Well, he didn’t actually SAY that, but WE know that’s what he was thinking.
For the ladies:
What’s the difference between a man and a dildo?
A dildo can’t mow the lawn.
Should I go to the Emergency Room for a concussion or should I just fall and hit my head at home?
What’s the difference between meat and fish?
You’re not suppose to beat your fish.
What’s the easiest way to confuse Joe Biden? Hand him a chicken finger.
“Do not touch”
must be the scariest thing to ever read in Braille
I’m highly suspicious of organic foods… I keep hearing about people dying from natural causes
Did you know that most Chinese people don’t have cataracts?
They prefer Rincoln’s and Tesra’s
What do you get when you cross Liz Warren with the director of Jungle Fever?
Ugh-Lee
Wanna know how to make God laugh?
Tell Him your plans…
How did Barney Frank describe the nights he spent with Jerry Nadler?
“You have no idea what I go through.”
Why does Chuck Schumer wear his glasses so low on his nose?
He gets bitch slapped so much he gets tired of putting them back in place.
What’s red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
^
^
^
Campell’s Cream of Elephant soup.
groannnnn…
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down with two fifty
Do you think they went after water
MerryMouse
DECEMBER 17, 2019 AT 1:46 PM
“What’s red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
^
^
^
Campell’s Cream of Elephant soup.
groannnnn…”
…that’s irrelefant…
Chicago jokes:
Why did the duck cross Michigan Avenue? To get to the Drake.
A guy asks the bus driver, “Does this bus go to da Loop?” Driver replies, “No, it goes beep-beep.”
In the big inning, God said “let there be light”
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury.
The apostles, like Jesus, were in one Accord.
Merry Christmas said the secular leftist.
LMAO
What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!
I was a house painter for seven years. Didn’t think I’d ever get the damn thing done!
Not a joke but a gentleman brought a snow blower in for repair about a week ago. Said it won’t start. Pointed to the electric start port where you plug the machine into your 110 volt house current. Said he left it plugged in for a week but it still won’t start! Also went and picked one up today and the gentleman started to explain the symptoms. I told him it was probably a carburator/fuel issue. He said he though it was a problem with the intake and then pointed to the muffler and said there shouldn’t be soot around the intake. I loaded it onto the trailer and left.
My favorite kids joke, What did the elephant say to the naked man? That’s cute but how do you breathe thru it. And a cannibal joke just because, Why did the cannibal join the Police force? Because he wanted to grill suspects. Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals? Because they keep throwing up their hands. And don’t ever trust an Atom because they make up everything.
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack’s too slow
He burned his dick
I used to be addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey
But I turned myself around
A professor is known for starting his classes with a sexist joke. The woman in his class quickly become tired of his sexual humor and decide to stage a walk out. The next day the professor begins with a statement. “I’ve heard that in China there are so few whores that they have to be imported from other countries.” The woman all stand up and begin to walk out. The professor doesn’t skip a beat, he shouts. “Wait, ladies, don’t leave now, the boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
What do you call a bull masturbating?
Beef Strokin’ off
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Ilene.
An overprotective dad has three daughters and insists on meeting every single one of their dates before they leave. The first man shows up and says hello Sir, my name is Eddie Sigfredi, I’m here to pick up Betty, we’re going to eat spaghetti, how long until she’s ready? The dad decides that he seems OK. The second man arrives. He says, hello sir my name is Joe Shimo, I’m here to pick up Flow, we’re going to a picture show, is she almost ready to go? The dad decides that he seems OK. Dad decides that he seems OK. The third man arrives. He says hello sir my name is Buck Tucker! The dad shoots him.
How do you catch a polar bear? Bore a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. When the bear stops to take a pea, kick him in the icehole…
A farmer harvested vegetables and never missed a beet.
How did The tree get on his computer? He logged on.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because gorillas have big fingers.
That last one was an oldie but a goodie. Dad jokes and old guy/gal jokes rule.
A chef wanted to make a popular gourmet meal before the restaurant closed, but he kept running out of thyme.
Why do the other candidates hate Peter Buttigieg?
Because after the debates he always insists on a rump session.
Yesterday I got beaten up by six dwarves
NOT HAPPY
I got a million of em folks!
I’m here all night
Did you hear about the pig who lost his voice?
He’s disgruntled
————–
How come the pony could not talk?
He was a little horse
————–
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaayy!
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Why did Jeffery Dahmer have a blender on his front porch?
So he could greet you with a hand shake
————–
Jeffery Epstein didn’t kill himself
————-
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elefino
—————-
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs, laying on a reef?
Carl
_—————-
What do you call two guys with no arms, no legs, hanging over a window?
Kurt & Rod
—————–
What do you call tRuth’s comments?
The ravings of a Jew-hating, soros-paid, basement-dwelling, clapped-out old whore
—————-
Alcoholics Anonymous is for quitters
————–
How do Catholics make Holy Water?
They boil the Hell out of it
I’ll close with my Annual Christmas Joke:
Did you know that God gave women permission to nag men?
It’s true! Right there in the Bible it says “Mary ride Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem”
Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!
Happy New Year! Kwanzaa is fake!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs!
Why do chicken sedans have 4 doors? Because if they had 2 doors they’d be a chicken coupe.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky
too late? 12 days til the year is gone!