If I had a nickel for every woman that didn’t find me attractive…They’d eventually find me attractive.
Add yours in the comments.
63 Comments on Pithy One-Liners
Comments are closed.
iOTWreport.com ©2024 ----- iOTWreport is not responsible for the content of comments. All opinions in comments are solely the commenter's.
I’m the best at everything I do, except bragging, but that’s only because I don’t do it.
“… poopie on her shoe and say, ‘I break with thee; I break with thee; I break with thee.’ “
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ~Mark Twain
If I had a penny for every woman that found me attractive, I might eventually have a nickel.
Diversity is our strength.
Don’t shoot till you see the whites in their eyes.
Better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
It said pithy, not funny
“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth”
Am I the only one who gets competitive at traffic circles?
If liberals stopped lying they’d be speechless.
I hate people who are judgmental. I can spot them as soon as I see them.
Ban pre-shredded cheese and make America grate again!
Big shout-out to my fingers because I can always count on them!
Those of you who think you know it all, are very annoying to those of us who do.
The hurrier I go the behinder i get
He’s just like an idiot-savant, he just doesn’t have the savant.
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex because he’s a small arms dealer.
Whew! How many of tbese pithy jokes do I got, anyway?????????
Any change in family history? No, the people who were alive are still alive and the people who were dead are still dead.
The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know anything at all.
Born lazy, tend to have relapses.
If I suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why
Did you girls know that Electricians have to strip to make ends meet
HEY!! There’s a bike in town keeps running me over…it’s a vicious cycle’
I like when people are talking about their diets, I’ll respond with,”Yep, I weighed 6 pounds at one time”.
OH MY GODDD!!! There’s Moooore!
I have no beef with vegans!
You can tell if people are judgmental just by staring at them.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model!
EXTRA!! Police station toilet stolen this morning – cops have nothing to go on!
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Holy Moly!!! It’s an endless pit! Seriously, I really do not know where I got this stuff!
I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
Been anxiously awaiting to see the new blockbuster movie,
“CONSTIPATION” but nothing has come out yet!
My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
When I call my horse, ”Mayo”, sometimes Mayo neighs.
I used to be indecisive, but now, I’m not so sure
What I thought it was a 12 step program turned out being a two-story building……with no elevator. So, like I said before, My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks
Did you hear the one about the transsexual?
It wanted to trade its menstrual cycle in for a Honda.
“The Coca Cola company is not happy with me–that’s okay, I’ll still keep drinking that garbage.”
— Donald J. Trump
October 15, 2012
OH, no….MOOOORE! Please Stop PLEEEEAAASE!
One of my friends got so interested in wearing camouflage that
I don’t see him anymore.
No matter how hard I push the envelope, I can still paste a stamp on it.
Even though I’m addicted to brake fluid, I can stop at any time
And…I’ve been drinking brake fluid every day for yeeeaars
And I never got addicted.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it all day.
I used to be a banker, but soon lost interest
Why do women wait until they are ten pounds overweight to lose five pounds?
It’s the piana’s fault. It’s the piana making me do it….HWAAALP! HELP!
Man! I stayed up all night to see where the sun went…then it dawned on me!
She said she recognized me from the Vegan Club, but I’ve never seen herbivore.
I dropped out of Commie class because I got low Marx.
Men spend nine months trying to get out of the womb,
then spends the rest of their lives trying to get back in
That’s IT!!!! NO MORE. MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME. It just goes on and on. It must have come from way back when Henny Youngman was alive: “Take my wife…PLEASE! I brought my wife to a place she had never been…the kitchen!
He was on for several weeks where I was playing at the Campbell House in Lexington. Fun times! It was all a dream. A very beautiful dream way back then!
“Two weeks to slow the spread”
Bwahahahahaha!!!
The trans shooter called his manifesto Mein Menstrual Krampf.
Q: Any mental illness in your family?
A: I got a sister that lives in California.
Trannys like switching because they like their vice versa.
“The anger you feel today is the strength you’ll feel tomorrow.”
The Bud Light commercial dude was going to blow Bubbles, but they couldn’t fit the Clydesdale in the bathroom.
Coors Light new trans mascot will be uttering the slogan “Ain’t no downstream queer !!”.
And Miller Light has changed it’s slogan to “The Queer that made Milwaukee Bilious.”
Miller Light commercials fighting over Tastes Great and Less Filling will be replaced by nail scratching, weave pulling, wardrobe malfunctions, and high heel tossing.
I actually used this line at my retirement gathering at work.
I’d rather spend time with the people in this office than the finest people in the world.
Nobody is completely worthless, they can always serve as a bad example.
If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have $2 and a bunch of counterfeits.
From one of my grandmothers:
I’d believe you but a 1000 others wouldn’t
From my mother:
You’re big and ugly enough to do it yourself
From me to my kids when they would say, “I know, I know”:
There’s a difference between knowing and doing
From my daughter when she was a preteen and I’d get mad at her:
Mom, you look like a rock star
There they go I must hurry after them for I am their leader!
When I was young I could pee like a fire hose, now I pee like a coffee maker.
What makes me different from all the other assholes is that I’m a perfect asshole.
If I had a nickel for every dick Kamala Harris sucked, I’d be loaded.
An oldie: My mechanic said my girlfriend blew a seal, but she insisted it was just a little mayonnaise.
I was wrong once. I had believed I was wrong, but it actually turned out I was right.
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful…
Don’t sweat old age, it doesn’t last very long
Never blame on malice what you can explain with stupidity
Did you ever notice that women who suck don’t.
@ J. Biden AT 4:41 PM
If we had a president instead of a pretender, you would no longer be sniffing little girls’ hair!
Take my wife, please.
I’m Dr Jill Biden’s wife, and I’m only here for the ice cream.
Being smart is like being a lady. If you have to tell someone that you are, then you aren’t.
If the IOTW Report offered a million dollars for the least number of “thumbs up” acquired over the past year, I would be a millionaire.
Don’t bellyache if you drop a tub of cheese… It’s a feta accompli.
The problem with stereotypes is that people are all too willing to validate them.
Welllll, Just two remaining Pithy one-liners for the Pith of it (from Henny Youngman). I promise. Last ones:
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places, so he told me to quit going to those places.
What’s the use of happiness if it can’t buy you money?
hire a teenager while they still know everything
A fortune-telling dwarf escaped from police custody. News reported a small medium at large.
A girl told me once ‘tear it up, it’ll grow back.’
Hey, kids, help stamp out child abuse. Mind your parents!
I know everything, except for three things. What are they? I don’t know! What the fuck? It’s three things. I don’t know them,