PHenry says:
What’s your favorite joke? I need a laugh.
I’ll start.
When I die, I wish to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, how about this one?
A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and wishes to have her favorite musicians’ images applied to each butt cheek. Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash.
Upon completion, the tattoo artist hands her a mirror and the woman is horrified about how terrible his artwork was. She insisted that neither looked like her favorites. She refused to pay.
The tattooist offered a solution. Grab the first passerby off the street and if they recognize Elvis and Johnny she would have to pay in full.
They agreed.
This drunk was stumbling down the street and was recruited as the judge. After studying the landscape he responded.
“Well, I don’t know who the two fellers on the outside are, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson.”
Q. How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
A. To get to the other side
What’s the difference between a 12-year-old orphan and an apple?
The apple is eventually going to get picked
Why did the crow sit on the phone pole?
He needed to make a long-distance caw.
“When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”
Steven Wright
That first one is a Jack Handey classic, I tell it often. He was a writer for Saturday Night Live in the 90s and they occasionally did a ‘Deep Thought with Jack Handey’.
My favorites come from the Hollywood Squares – the old ones of course. I crack up over and over at some of them:
Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false…a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes..
Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to Say “I love you”
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter…and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body – what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum it could be done.
I saw my orthopedic surgeon for a follow up visit. The first cortisone shot in my hip worked like a charm. The second, not so much. I said Doc the hip hurts most when I vacuum. He says then don’t vacuum. I almost fell out of the chair.
Well having a parrot means I’m usually ready with some parrot jokes. These have been around.
So this woman buys a parrot and brings it home.
“Oh, new brothel, new dames…cooool “After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:” Oh, new brothel, new hookers…cooool. “After a while husband comes home. The parrot: “oh, new brothel, new hookers, old friends…hello Bob.”
A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”
The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “And get me another fucking whisky while you’re at it, bitch!” Visibly upset, the shaking stewardess returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man loses his temper and decides to try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it or I’ll give you a slap!” In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says: “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re a right lippy fucker.”
How are crossing the Grand Canyon on a tightrope and getting a bj from Nancy Pelosi the same?
In both cases whatever you do, don’t look down.
When I need the news, and I need it now, I go to CNN.
How are boogers like birthdays?
The more you have, the harder it is to breathe.
A few more…
“I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
“When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?”
“I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’ A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’ And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’ I said ‘Alright, I’ll wait.'”
“I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.”
“I went to a place to eat. It said ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
“I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Steven Wright
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where
he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies,
“I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Thanks folks Funny stuff.
Keep rolling.
Why did the Arab chicken cross the road?
To get to the other Saud.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
On the Harley, the dirtbag is mounted on top.
I come from a large family and one day I asked my Dad why he and Mom had so many children. He said it was because Mom was hard of hearing. I asked him what that had to do with it. He said every night when they went to bed, he asked Mom, “Do you want to go to sleep or what?” And she said, “What?”
A crook, a pedophile, and a retard walk into a bar…
The bartender say’s “hello Mr. Biden, what’ll you have?”
MGM has a new movie in production, about a guy who has an STD and also suffers from too much stomach gas.
It’s called “Gonorrhea With The Wind”.
O/T not a joke but hey, “Diogenes” was the final Jeopardy answer tonite…
OOPS, Spoiler alert
Two queer judges: they tried each other.
“I wish I was a dog and Howard Cosell was a fire hydrant.”
– Muhammad Ali.
Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOLF BALL AND A G-SPOT??
A: A MAN WILL SPEND HOURS LOOKING FOR A GOLF BALL
talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
Long
He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I had lots of loyal friends. I had sex almost every day. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage. Now I’ve lost it all.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no. Because of Corona virus, I was unexpectedly paroled.
A woman walks into a butcher shop and orders a Long Island duck.
She shoves her finger up it’s ass and declares ‘this isn’t a Long Island duck. Now get me a real Long Island duck!’
The butcher brings out one more. Then another and another, each one getting the finger up its ass, each one rejected as not being a Long Island Duck.
Finally, the butcher brings out a duck that survives the finger probe. Now THAT is a Long Island Duck!!!
Wrap it up. I’ll take it.
The butcher wraps it up and the lady says, “you’re new around here. Where do you come from?”
The butcher turns around and drops his pants and replies,
“I don’t know lady, why don’t you tell me.”
One of my dear daddy’s cornball jokes –
“I”m taking my gal to Florida tonight!!”
“You going to Tampa with her?”
“My Am I !!”
“If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.” HAHAHAHAHA!
Joe & Jill went up the hill while the MSM carried their pail of water…
Joke/poem…tomato/toomato
Did you hear about the queer bear that laid his Paw on the table?
I know only one joke. Well, it’s not even the whole joke.
“Hit the ball, drag Harry.”
That’s all I got.
At the Annual International Conference of Brilliant Scientists, it was confirmed that humanity had it all figured out, and there was no longer a need for God. A vote was taken and a rep selected to let Him know He would be let go.
God took it well but suggested a friendly competition before leaving. “How about you and me, we each create a bit of Life right now?”
“Sure,” says the scientist, “I got this,” scooping up a handful of dirt.
“Whoah,” says God. That’s my dirt. Start with your own dirt.”
Why did my Petey B cross the road?
To get to my unbleached elastic starfish!
My favorite joke on the American people these days is that EVERY SINGLE TELEVISION COMMERCIAL must contain and bolster black folk and dumb down the whiteys!
Every single one…
I keep hearing my friends saying “there’s someone in our circle who is gay.“ I hope it’s Tony, he’s really cute.
@LTEL
Larry the liberal told a joke!
Gee Larry, good one. But are you still an a-hole?
Jussie Smollett, Bubba Wallace, & AOC walk into a bar, step on a rake then blame white supremacy…
Holy shit, that Alzheimer’s joke destroyed me.
I tried to tell it to my wife, and it took almost a minute because I kept laughing.
Time for a limerick:
There was a girl from the Azores
Whose ass was covered with sores
All the dogs in the street would lick the foul meat
That hung, infested, from her drawers.
A couple I ran across on the interwebs that I liked enough to save:
A boy complains to his mother that his little sister keeps pulling his hair.
“Oh,” responds the mother, “she doesn’t know that it hurts.”
A few minutes later, the mother hears the girl scream and runs into the other room.
“She knows now,” the boy explains.
——————————–
A man is out walking in a pasture when a hot air balloon drifts close.
The man in the balloon hollers down, “Where am I?”
Man on the ground replies, “You are in a hot air balloon, about 50 feet above the ground.
Man in the balloon says, “You must be an engineer, what you have told me is completely accurate, and totally useless.”
Engineer replies, “You must be a manager, you don’t know where you
are or where you are going, and somehow it’s my fault.”
There was this guy that had a problem – he had a really high pitched voice that he disliked. He also had a huge wanger. He went to a doctor to see if he could help him. The doctor examined him and said “the problem is your huge wanger is straining your vocal cords causing the high voice. If you removed half of it you should have a normal voice.” Well Squeaky wasn’t happy with this and went back home. After a few more days driving himself crazy with his high pitched voice he went back to the doctor. He said “Doc I just can’t take it anymore let’s do the operation!” So he performed the operation and Squeaky’s voice was normal and all was well for awhile. But after awhile he started to miss his full manhood and he went back to the Doctor. “Doc I’m sorry to be a pest but I really miss that big old thing and all things considered I really want it back. Is there any way you can sew it back on?” The Doc answered back in a high pitched voice “Oh no I don’t think that’s possible” 🙂
What do you cal a toothless bear ?
A gummy bear
A new Lego store opened near me today people were lined up for blocks
A truck carrying a dinos overturned on I 26 today . It was a tyrannosaurus wreck
Someone broke into the local BEst buy and stole all the TV and radio remote controls. Police are looking for a control freak
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
A brunette and a blonde were both expecting and sitting in a doctor’s waiting room. The brunette was beaming and happily told the blonde the she knew she was going to have a boy because she was on top when she conceived and statistically that’s what usually happens. The blonde started having a meltdown and crying profusely – the brunette tried to calm her down and asked “Honey what’s wrong?” The blonde replied “I’m going to have puppies!!”
German flies to Poland and gets questioned at the airport.
Guy at the airport:
Nationality?
German dude: German
Guy at the airport: Occupation?
German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.
Q: Why does Kamala Harris wear long underwear in the winter?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing…
They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says ‟Please do not kill me! Spare my life and I will grant you all a wish!”
The German throws the fish back and says ‟I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty”, and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand.He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it’s still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.
‟I wish,” said the Frenchman, ‟For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out.”
The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says.‟Done! And what do you want?”
‟Is there a wall around France?” asks the Englishman
‟Yes.” replies the fish.
‟Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?”
‟Yes.”
‟And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?”
‟Yes.”
‟Well then,” says the Englishman, ‟I want you to fill it with water.”
Mary hadn’t been quite complete for several years. But the one she thing she truly enjoyed was to run up and down the hallways as fast as she could in her wheelchair.
The other residents would humor her. And as she’s racing down the hallway, Bill would hold his hand up and say let me see your license. Mary would dig around in her purse and she pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and showed it to do bill. Bill said okay that’ll do.
Mary takes off down the hallway again and Harry steps out in the hallway and hold his hand up, and said let me see your registration. Again Mary digs in her purse and pulled out a coaster from the dining room table. Harry says okay that’ll do.
Mary races down to the end of the hallway, there stands Pete, stark naked. Mary pulled up in her wheelchair and says, “oh no, not the breathalyzer.”
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland.
They saw a sign that read
“Disneyland left”
They turned around and went home.
What is the difference between a pick pocket and a window peeker?
One snatches watches.
(I don’t know if you would consider this a joke, but it is definitely my favorite pun.)
As you may know, strawberries can have different sexes. A farmer managed to grow an exceptionally large female strawberry, measuring over 15 inches in width. Suspecting it might be some kind of record size, he called the Department of Agriculture and they agreed to send out an expert to inspect it.
The scientist arrived and proceeded to make various measurements including width, length, weight, etc. When he concluded he told the farmer that it was the largest one he had ever seen and probably a world record.
The farmer was pleased to hear this, but then the man picked up the strawberry and said, “However, to be sure, I’ll need to take it back to the lab and run a few more tests”.
The farmer became alarmed and said, “Wait a minute – you’re not going anywhere with my giant female strawberry!”
At this the expert became offended, drew himself up, and said, “See here – I came to appraise your berry, not to seize her!”
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it”.
For three days the fridge sat There without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.”
The next day someone stole it.
Jack and Jill went up a hill…Jill came down with two quarters- what a whore.
Oh nevermind…
President* biden
This is a true story.
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940’s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With “Carnation Milk is best of all.”
She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.
A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, “Ma’am… The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry… So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!”
He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.
Here it is:
CARNATION MILK IS BEST OF ALL
NO TITS TO PULL, NO HAY TO HAUL,
NO BUCKETS TO WASH, NO SHIT TO PITCH,
JUST POKE A HOLE IN THE SONOFABITCH.
Stacy Abrams has been busted for drugs. Going thru airport security, the TSA looked up her dress and found forty pounds of crack!
The two German queers that Adolf Hitler.
The Roman sex fiend who was Gladiator.
The guy who thought Oral Roberts was two queers named Bob.
What do tornados and girls from Alabama have in common? They both eventually end up in trailer parks.
Joe Biden got 80 million votes. Hilarious!
A woman hates her husband and wants him killed but can’t afford a hit man. Artie, her friend, offers to do it for a dollar.
“But you can’t buy a gun for just a dollar!” she protested.
“That’s ok. I’ll just choke him to death.”
The wife says, “That sounds like a plan. Do it.” and pays her friend a dollar.
Finally her husband comes home and Artie jumps on him. A tussle ensues but he gains the upper hand and is able to choke the husband to death.
Well, a neighbor hears the commotion and comes to investigate. Artie overpowers the neighbor and chokes him to death also. As Artie is leaving, a passerby sees what happened. Not wanting to have any witnesses, he chokes her too.
The police are summoned. They catch Artie leaving the scene and arrest him.
The nest day the headline in the newspaper read: “ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR”.
What’s the difference between a nun taking a bath and a hooker taking a bath?
The nun’s got hope in her soul.
So, this seal walks into a club…
Guy from Maine takes his teenage daughter to her first OB/GYN appointment. After the appointment the doctor takes the father aside and asks “sir, did you know that your daughter is sexually active?” The father replies “no, she just kind of lays there, just like her mother.”
What do you get when you pour a cup of coffee down a rabbit hole?
Hot Cross Buns.
You’re not allowed to use the “n word” unless you are one.
Three firemen walk into a bar. You’d think the third one would have ducked.
What are the three absolutes in life?
1. Jews don’t recognize Christ as the Messiah
2. Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the head of the church
3. Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store
The rather plain day nurse and the beautiful night nurse are caring for a patient recovering from surgery in a hospital. After a few days the day nurse remarks to the night nurse “that patient in room 302 seems very nice, but when I was giving him a sponge bath, I noticed that he has the word ‘Swan’ tattooed on his penis.” The night nurse says “Oh, yes, I noticed the tattoo, but it doesn’t say ‘Swan’, it says ‘Saskatchewan’.”
Why did the chicken lie down in the middle of the road?
To get to the “other side.”
Little Dirty Johnny and his father were walking in the park one day and they spotted two dogs ‘doing it’. Johnny asked, “what are they doing dad?”
“Making a puppy son.” his father replied.
Later that night, Johnny’s parents were fooling around and forgot to lock the door and Johnny opened the door. Johnny asked, “what are you doing?” Making you a baby brother or sister.” “Flip her over Dad, I’d rather have a puppy.”
Three bums, Joe, Clem, and Willy were sleeping in the park.
Clem and Willy got up and went to wake Old Joe.
They pulled off the newspapers he was using for a blanket, shook him, and determined he was dead, passed on in his sleep.
The cops came and hauled him away, and Clem and Willy went looking for a pint to share.
A couple of days later, they were drinking some good old Thunderbird when Clem said that they aught to go to the funeral parlor to see Old Joe off.
They stood in the receiving line and when they got up to the casket, Clem said “Damn……Old Joe don’t look very good”.
Willy said “Course he don’t look good! He ain’t had a drink in three days”.
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: How do you make Holy Water?
A: You boil the HELL out of it.
A baby seal goes to the club…
Did you hear about the Polish bank robber?
He tied up the safe, and Blew the teller
What is a crying shame?
A busload of lawyers going off a cliff with an empty seat.
How many lawyers does it take to make a sandwich? It depends on how thin you slice them. My daughters least favorite joke, What did the elephant say to the naked man? That’s cute but how do you breathe thru it. A cannibal joke or two that are oldies but goodies, Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals? Because they keep throwing up their hands. Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his grandmother in the woods. Why did the cannibal join the Police force? Because he wanted to grill suspects. And finally, Why can’t you believe an Atom? Because they make up everything.
Wife: Why are you making pancakes, we just ate?
Me: I’m making them for the dogs…
Wife: Why?
Me: Because they don’t know how to make them.
Speaking of puns. This is the story of Ladle Rat Rotten Hutt. Read it out loud and you will get it. Every word is a pun.
https://annex.exploratorium.edu/exhibits/ladle/
~Waldo
How many mexicans does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
It’s hard to talk to a kleptomaniac because they take everything literally.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dog!”
Did you hear about the blonde chick who bought a plastic vibrator?
Chipped her teeth!
John was at the hospital getting ready to have his first colonoscopy. His nurse comes into the room and tells John to relax. The nurse then begins to describe exactly what was going to happen. First, you will be on your side with one of your legs hiked up. This gives the doctor easier access to you rectum so he can insert a probe to get a look at the inside of your colon. You will feel a little pressure in your belly. So to help you relax, I’m going to give you a Valium. The nurse then asks John if he had any questions about the procedure. John said he did not have questions and he was ready to get it over. The nurse chuckled and patted John on his shoulder. While leaving the room the nurse looks back and said “oh I forgot one thing. Now,don’t worry about the erection. It is normal and happens almost every time.”
John immediately said ” Well, I know I am not going to get an erection”. The nurse laughed and said “I wasn’t talking about yours, I was talking about mine”.
A baby seal walks into a club.
Why did the pony have difficulty talking?
He was a little horse
How come Italians can’t have barbecues?
Damn spaghetti keeps falling thru the grill
A pirate walked into a saloon with a ship’s wheel sticking out of his fly
Bartender asked the pirate “ahoy matey! Why the ships wheel?”
Pirate replied “Aargh! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Why did the blonde woman have bruises around her belly button?
BLONDE GUYS ARE DUMB TOO!!
Alright, lemme finish up with some blasphemy
What does the “H” stand for in Jesus H Christ?
It means Hallowed. Hallowed be thy name
I got a million of em folks! I’m here all week!
A man goes to the doctor because he thinks his wife is hard or hearing but is not sure how bad it is. The doctor says get behind her and ask a question getting a little closer each time until she answers. So, the man gets behind her while she is at the sink and asks what is for dinner? He gets a little closer and asks what is for dinner? Now he is right behind her and says in her ear what is for dinner? She turns and says dammit Harry I told you three times we are having chicken
Have you heard about Oral Roberts brother……. Anal?
Bob lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist and was defeated in the House of Representatives election. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Bob drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle. Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Bob from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
This is to be expected from a California Democrat.
Stolen from ace of spades we site this morning
What is the definition of mixed emotions?
Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your Cadillac. 🚗
My sainted grandfather’s all time favorite. What do you get when you cross a member of the mafia with a lawyer from New York City? An offer you can’t understand.
One of my all time faves. Why was the pirate frightened after visiting his doctor? He was told that he was on his last leg.
Last one, I swear! How do you make a pirate angry? Take away the P.
A Kentuckian is out hunting one afternoon when he stumbles upon a lovely, fully naked redhead on a fallen tree. He asks her if she is game. She says that she is, so he shot her.
A Hoosier & a Kentuckian are night fishing along the Ohio river. The Kentuckian sees that the Hoosier is pulling fish out of the river hand over fist while he has nothing. He hollers across the river to ask if he can join him. The Hoosier is agreeable & invites him over. The Kentuckian says that he does not know how to swim, so the Hoosier tells him that he will turn on his flashlight & he can walk across the river on the beam. The Kentuckian says you must think I’m stupid because when I get halfway across you’ll turn it off!
Whenever someone says they’re getting a colonoscopy, my brother always asks, ‘Medical or Recreational?’
😄
Dju hear about the new Eyetalian tires?
Dago thru mud.
Dago thru snow.
And when dago flat.
Dago WopWopWop.