Please listen as our menu options have recently changed:
If you are experiencing a mental health issue because of Donald Trump, please press 1.
If you feel your are being repressed by the man, please press 2.
If you are upset with the current political situation and hate Republicans, please press 3.
If you would like to report or initiate a riot, please press 4.
If your mother has locked you in the basement and you cannot join the other rioters, please press 5.
If you are mad that you cannot find a job because capitalism sucks, please press 6.
If you want to add, enhance, or remove tattoos or body piercings, please press 7.
If you have forgotten how to bathe yourself and have excessive body odor, please press 8.
If you need to contact the local BLM/Antifa, or communist party official, please stay on the line to speak to a member of the Seattle city council.
Thank you for calling and have a pleasant day.
ht/ JD Hasty
Offer up “9” in the comments.
If you would like to report someone eating a non-vegan meal, press 9.
If you would like a monthly call from Joe Biden, please press 9.
#9. If you have experienced a rape, robbery or assault, please press 9….*Click…dial tone*
If you lost your smart phone in the couch cushions or your butt cheeks or a combination of the two, please press 9…
If you are a full fledged ignorant liberal, please press 666.
If you feel trapped inside CHAZ, get on your knees and press 9.
If you need assistance identifying your chosen gender, please press 10.
If you would like to join BMM (Bowel Movements Matter) please press 9.
If you feel you’re being oppressed by a local Warlord, suck it up and get with the program or dial #9. Be prepared to work in the beet fields.
If you own a business in CHAZ and cannot operate, please press 9 and stay on the line for the next available government representative. Estimated wait time is 5 weeks.
And remember, the first installment of property taxes is due June 30. If your post office is inaccessible, payments may be made online to avoid late fees and penalties. Have a nice day.
If you want “Warlord Raz” to be yo baby daddy, please go to the deli counter and take a number….
If you keep uttering, “What kind of hotel IS this?!” press 9 and hang up.
If your are feeling suicidal and can drive a truck, please stay on the line, and someone will be right with you.
If you are late remitting your CHAZ protection payment, representatives will make an in person visit.
Make damn sure to have your cash or check ready at this time, or face the consequences.
If you are a plumber, electrician, audio/video/IT specialist – or are willing to clean toilets and pick up garbage – press 9 for the CHAZ line.
“ I pressed 9, however I seem to have forgotten my message, but you probably know the rest……..” Joe Obiden Bama.
If you realize you fucked up and miss your mommy, hang up.
If you graduated college $200K in debt with a gender studies, black studies, or women’s studies degree, “9” is the button on the top right.
To place a Starbucks delivery order, press 9.
#Soyattle – https://twitter.com/CarpeDonktum/status/1271711672462426112
If you are offended, please press 9.
If you are a white male calling please press the eject button!
If you are an idiot, please press 9 and hope that someone will answer. Can idiot Chazylvanians even count to 9?
If you cant take any more of Tucker Carlson’s mockery
Press 9
If you suddenly discovered that your real enemies are the leftie scum who made you a lifelong debt serf in order to fill your head with useless drivel …
Press 9
Axing questions press one
Donations press two and enter your card number and info, we’ll take only what we need
If you voted for Trump, please press 9, shelter in place and wear a mask. Someone from the government will be there to HELP you.
If you are having trouble making chicken salad out of chicken schit, try using brawndo mayonaise, or dial 9 for proper instructions.
If you are missing your asthma inhaler, Ritalin, blankie or any other essential item, please enter 9 for Lost and Found.
JD HASTY AND COMMENTERS,
,
FRILLIANTLY FUNNY.
If you need the number for 9-1-1, please press “9”.