PHenry was lobbying recently for a comedy night, which I think is a great idea. It’s along the lines of the deejay thing, but people send in clips of things they think are funny. (But not too long. Research has shown that anything that gets to around 3-5 minutes tends to not even be clicked on.)
It can be anything, vintage stuff (this goes over very well), current stuff, tv show clips, monologues, bloopers, anything that will lift the heart and put people in a good mood (until someone critiques it and says, “that sucked” and everyone starts arguing….)
So I think we’re going to try it out. lol.
Send links to bigfurhat.mail@gmail.com. with COMEDY in the subject line. Not all clips will make the cut. Unlike the deejay thing, where I posted without looking at them, the comedy stuff I’ll be editing. You will get special consideration for sending in VIMEO links, or any platform other than youtube. (We would like to try and limit Youtube’s revenue as much as possible.)
In the meantime, here is a thread to drop your favorite READABLE JOKES. (This is not the thread for links to comedians or funny clips. Send those to me at bigfurhat@gmail.com.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sent in by PHenry-
An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said,”That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
LOL.
NO.
– – – – – – – –
Along similar lines.
After major surgery, my doctor told me no vacuuming nor washing floors for at least 3 months. Okay, sounds good to me.
He then proceeded to tell me about a guy who phoned him and asked when his wife could resume housework. Doc said the name didn’t ring a bell, although he generally remembers his patients. Looked it up and saw that he did surgery on the guy’s wife about a year prior.
Doc told me that he realized the guy was being taken and for being that stupid, he told the guy to give her another year to recuperate. LOL
Dang dude. I can’t find any of the good stuff anywhere but YouTube. I’ll jeep trying.
LOLOL.
OK I have one:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
I like this idea. If successful it might merit an archive on the homepage.
Readers may have noticed my links in comments here. I make some effort to select clips that are (at least tangentially) related to the topic at hand. *ahem Bob*
They are intended to be thoughtful or satirical, to provide an ironic or skewed view of the subject or to make a musical reference.
My associates Jay Sherman and Jordan the Centipede occasionally provide similar material.
We appreciate iOTW for providing the opportunity for us to do so.
We get a certain satisfaction from this, though sometimes they fizzle. TU’s if any, are gratifying.
Thanks for your support!
cc: JS,JtC
I’ve got some classics squirreled away. Some of my favorites are old Hollywood Squares jokes, I find myself laughing out loud every time!
Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false…a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes..
Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to Say “I love you”
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter…and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body – what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
A woman had lost her husband, a good dedicated man.
She meets with the funeral director, telling him,”Oh, he was a such a wonderful husband! Always so generous and kind! I want you to spare no expense for his funeral. Find the finest suit of clothes for him. Money is no object here. He deserves the very best!”
The next afternoon at his service, she finds her husband lying peacefully, elegantly dressed with a $3,000 dollar Armani suit on, looking like a king.
Afterward, when everyone had cleared out, she ran to find the director to compliment him.
“Oh my goodness! He looked divine! I’ve never seen him so well dressed! Tell me, where in the world did you find a suit like that on such short notice?”
The director said …
“Well, ma’am. Now that it’s just the two of us here, I hope I can be openly honest with you. Turns out there was another gentleman’s service this morning and…well…he had that suit on and …
I hope you don’t mind, but I switched the heads.”
In the summer of 2016, one of my in-laws told me that Hillary is beautiful and would be the next president.
I pulled muscles laughing.
No joke.
Mind splitting irony.
I’ll just leave the Punch Line
Tonto: “Him say You Die”
I hope this doesn’t mean that the deejay thing is over with. I was just getting ready
to make a submission.
At her husband’s funeral, a man sitting beside the bereaved wife asked her if he could say a word. She agreed at once.
The stranger stood up, cleared his throat and said, “Plethora.”
“Thank you”, the widow responded. “That means a lot.”
Forgot to add a joke:
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out
of my ass.”
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers, then examines him.
The man asks, “Is it serious, Doc?”
The doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
(Bada-bomp, bing!)
How the Ten Commandments really came about:
(A Jewish friend of mine told me this story, so I know it’s true 🙂
A long, long time ago God went to the Egyptians and asked them:
“Would you like a Commandment?”
The Egyptians said “What’s a Commandment?”
God said “A Commandment is like… Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife”
So the Egyptians all huddled up and talked it over, then went back to God and said:
“No thank you. That would screw up our weekends”
So God went to the Asyrians and asked them “Would you like a Commandment?”
Just like the Egyptians, the Asyrians asked God: “What’s a Commandment?”
So God told them: “A Commandment is like… Thou shalt not steal”
Well the Asyrians huddled up to talk it over for a while then went back to God and said:
“No thank you, that would screw up our economy”
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them:
“Would you like a Commandment?”
Now the Jews didn’t ask God what it was, but instead asked: “How much does it cost?”
God said: “It’s free!”
The Jews said: “Great!! We’ll take ten!”
True story.
MJA and some IOTWR friends are mingling at the bar when Africa Bob, an Oxford graduate, walks in.
“Howdy, stranger,” MJA says. “Where are you from?”
Africa Bob answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies MJA. “Where are you from, jackass?”
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
++++++++++++++++
Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”
++++++++++++++++
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
“When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep – not screaming and crying like all the passengers in his car.”
Cato –
Hey Autocorrect!
Quit pampering with my cuss words
you mother forklift!
“Please, Sir, I Want Some More”
Still ok to drop links from tubes not pre-planned on the pages?
Looking forward to this. I didnt want to give the dog a bath anyway.
Some punch lines-
“Only comes up to here on my ducks.”
“No, it just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”
“A pig that good you don’t want to eat all at once.”
“That’s my dad. Hee-aw, hee-aw, hee-aways does that.”
I know some of us have had our brushes with drinking and the law…
After drinking most of the night I took a cab home and sure enough on the way home the cops had set up a DUI check point, but…. since it was a cab they just waved it past and I got home safely without incident.
This wuz kinda surprising since I have never driven a cab before.
I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what the hell to do with it.
Anybody need a cab?
Anybody?
Three older guys are sitting around complaining about things as they are wont to do.
First old guy “I have it bad, I can’t pee in the morning no matter how hard I try”.
Second old guy “You think you have it bad, I can’t move my bowels at all. No matter how hard I try, no success”.
They look at the third guy who replies “You think you guys have it bad, every morning at 6:30 I go pee, every morning at 6:45 I move my bowels”. The other two guys ask him what he’s complaining about.
He replies “I don’t wake up until 7”
Q: Why do they give the old guys in the nursing home Viagra before they go to sleep?
A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed.
Left Coast Dan — Those are real knee slappers! Geoff C. sez, “No wonder our parents were always laughing at Hollywood Squares and we were always asking why?”
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the raccoons it was possible
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine…”
Five
Guy goes to the doctor…doc comes in and asks him what his problem is. Guy says every time I take a step, I fart…but the funny thing is, they don’t stink. He walks across the room, ffft, ffft, ffft…the doctor says, “get up on this examining table!!!” The guy says, “you gonna examine my ass?” The doctor says, “hell no! I’m gonna examine your nose!”