The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about
your wife”, said one of the troopers.
“Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news
first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .”
“Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then
what’s the great news?”
The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
h/t Doc
Doc. My wife says that wasn’t funny. Bwaahhaaaha.
Feels cruel to laugh….and I laughed!
There’s nothing worse than finding out
that your wife has crabs.
I met a girl in a Pub the other night and I told her that I had the uncanny ability to tell the day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
“Go ahead,” she said, “tell me the day I was born.”
So I fondled her breasts for about 30 seconds and she got impatient. “Come on man,” she said, “What day was I born?”
“Yesterday,” I said.
The head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to 5 US presidents.
When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence saying, “All I know is, as I was walking past the Oval Office I asked, ‘Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?’’
“The next thing I knew, my ass was fired.”
It’s worse if your mistress gave em to ya…
I copied this the other night from the comments section over at Pamela Geller’s:
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.
Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!”
“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”
Reminds me of the time the gardener at American Express Company headquarters was refusing to work because his favorite shovel had come up missing. When they asked him if one particular shovel was really all that important, he replied, “I never heave loam without it”.
: }
Sean texes his wife Shelia.:
Shel drlng. Stoppin at the pub fr a few pnts wt the lads.
I should be home in an hour, If not
Read this again OK Doc
I’ll spare you all my bad (and long) golf jokes.
lololol ewwww
Out of shape golfer hacking, sputtering, and cussin’ at Troon Municipal Course,yells at his Scotish caddy. What the fuck you looking at your fucking watch for?
Taint me watch Sir. “Tis me compass. We left the fucken’ course about half an hour ago.
How’s that Burner?
A man went to confession, and told the priest: “Forgive me, father. I have sinned by swearing.”
The priest was intrigued that the man would confess a fairly common sin, and asked for the particulars. The man said that he was playing golf, and sliced his drive off into the woods. The priest nodded, and told him that it was understandable that he would swear then because the ball was probably lost.
The man said, “Well, no. A large squirrel grabbed the ball and started running back into the fairway.” The priest asked if that was when he swore. “No, I couldn’t believe my luck! The ball was back on the fairway.”
“What caused you to swear?” asked the priest.
“As the squirrel was crossing the fairway, a hawk swooped down, grabbed it, and started flying away.”
“Ah,” said the priest, “you swore because you were going to definitely take a lost ball penalty.”
“Not exactly,” said the man. “As the hawk was flying over the green, the dying squirrel dropped the ball 6 inches from the cup.”
To which the priest replied: “And you missed the $#%&* putt?!?!”
Adam and Eve are enjoying their first few days together, when Eve gets her period.
Not knowing what’s going on, Adam asks God, “Eve is bleeding between her legs, God, what’s up with that?”
“Well, Adam, where is she now?”
“She’s down at the river, washing it off.”
“Damn, I’ll never get that smell out of the fish!”
Q: What do you get when you cross Al Gore and Barack Obama?
A: Climate change you can believe in!
“Do you know how Obama likes his coffee? Black and weak.”
Found over at the Philthy-Delphia site
http://pappys-rants.blogspot.com/
A guy walks into a bar and puts a little man, about a foot tall, on the bar next to him. The little man starts walking along the bar and takes a pee in a guy’s beer. The little man goes to the next guy and steps on all of his potato chips. Then the little man goes down the bar to another guy who is munching on peanuts. The little man kicks all the peanuts on the floor. Finally the bar tender says — where did you get that little man?
The guy takes a long drink and says, I found a lamp with a genie inside and he gave me one wish. I wished for a 12 inch prick and there he us.